Ask A Therapist

You asked we answered! On this episode I pick two questions posed to be at random of our listeners. Have questions and want answers send us and email or dm us so we can get you the information you need.

Transcript:

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Finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is the new book by me Nikita Banks, a licensed psychotherapist and life strategist, leverage the knowledge and you’ll receive in this book to help you with the process of obtaining absolute clarity. Through the use of Guided Self exploration. This process is necessary to help you master all your relationships in 2019 and beyond going to amazon.com or black therapists podcast calm and grab your copy of the book guaranteed to help you redesign all your relationships based on two basic principle, health and happiness. Get your copy today. Welcome to the black therapist podcast, the black therapist podcasters podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face with dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. Now if you are new to our show, I am your host, author, a life strategist, psychotherapist Nikita Banks in private practice in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I am available for adult psychotherapy and coaching sessions. And you can find more information about that on my website Nikita Banks com you can listen to our podcast everywhere podcasts are found Apple podcast, Google Play YouTube, SoundCloud, PIPA, Stitcher, I Heart Radio and black therapists podcast com. If you are mental health advocate or a therapist and you want to buy our podcast merchandise, you can do so by visiting our site. And if you want access to our free mental health tips, free online trainings, discounted selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy, all one word 266866. If you love the podcast, please like comment and share. We love to hear from you. And if you want to send me some feedback, guest suggestions or simply to say hey, you can contact us at our website, black therapists podcast.com please be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress, or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go. Hey, guys, welcome to our show. Okay, I’m start off with the um, but um, this week has been very challenging for me, I feel like every week, I’m saying that now. But we get in at the homestretch of my year, I hired a assistant earlier in the year, I’m actually interviewing for a second possible third assistant, I think I want to hire two people now. But I realized, like not having a team and not having have systems in place thing, God and a lot of what I was doing was automate it, I should say. But putting my my attention back into my own business has been something that I have to do I have to do. And I’ve, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve kind of been

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trying to manage my workload, so that I’m not overwhelmed. But there are like, benchmarks that I need to hit my business, there’s revenue, that I need to make it my business in order for me to feel secure. And it’s tax season. So I had to like, file my taxes and get all of that done, and gather all of that. Do my my billing and everything in my office and my office manager quit, she got a better job. But I won’t say better job, she got a different job, because is nothing like working for with us. But I like immediately had a meltdown, when I found out. And then at my consulting job, that like the best supervisor in the world, she ran the program, after six years, she’s leaving. And so it was this, like, so much change happening for me that I’ve had to like, really pull myself together. And it’s been a challenge, I will say that, outside of that, you know, I’m probably going to try to go to the beginning of March, the beginning of May, with the this shows, amount of the show when I ended the season. previous years, I guess I gotta look, if you are a longtime listener of this show, you know that I take usually the summertime off, because when the show first started, I was recording in my son’s room. I don’t do that anymore. But he’s graduating from school, and he’s coming home. And so I really want wouldn’t do that even if I could cuz he’d be there. And Yep. And so now I’m really just trying to like, navigate, when I’m going to end this season, so that I can do some of the other projects that I need to do, and things that I want to launch in the business. And so I hope to give you guys at least four more shows that are like live and current. But I would really like to speak to some psychology students, a lot of psychology students and social work, students have been reaching out to me, a lot of social workers or therapists that Listen to me, I would like for you guys to reach out to me, because if I can fit it in, without overwhelming myself, I really want to start reaching out to some of you guys to get you guys on the show. Again, I liked having guest

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sometimes it wasn’t fun,

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depending on who came on to the show. Because I don’t like foolishness. Like there’s been some times i’ve i’ve had guests who have come on the show, and they really hadn’t listened to the show. And they didn’t know my personality or like what they were getting into. And I’m always respectful. This is my dream. And if you’re supporting my dream and my vision of helping people of color and normalize the therapeutic experience, like I’m never going to be disrespectful to anybody. But I’ve had some interesting people say that they want to be on the show, and they’ve never heard show. They’re not familiar with the format. They’re not familiar with me as a person or what I do. And so if you are listening to the sound of my voice, and you would like to be on the show, please send me an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com because I would love to try to incorporate more guest on to the show. Now the reason that we haven’t really done that it’s because post production and producing a show where, let’s say sometimes the person speaks over me, I speak over them, they cough, there’s background noise, to edit all of that stuff out, it takes me much longer to produce the show. And sometimes there’s a delay on their part. It’s not as late on my part. Like it was just really hard to do production wise. And I pretty much do all this stuff by myself. I am my researcher in the host, I am the producer. And so it was very difficult. I’m hoping I can only cross my fingers. Now that the kid will be home. Hopefully he’ll be home because he’s interviewing for jobs all across the country. But I’m would be able to utilize him to help me with production because it would make things a lot easier for me. But there’s that. I had a few questions, but I put out to you guys. Questions. So if you guys are not familiar with doing the Thursday, live sessions again. And basically, if you have a health and wellness or a relationship question you can ask me, send me an email at Black therapist podcast gmail.com? And will answer your question. So I had a question here that I wanted to answer from somebody not going to give her name because it felt real personal. But here it goes. I’m writing him because my boyfriend works a lot. And I think he uses that to get out of doing things with me. Sometimes I feel like he uses that as an excuse not to participate in things. We live a great life. So I feel like I can’t say anything about work because I do enjoy the finer things in life. Which he reminds me of anytime I bring it up. How do I get him to balance work and home life without adding more stress into his already stressful career? Um, I got questions about this email. So I’m not really sure if I can answer specifically for this person. A I don’t know her and be I don’t know him. So I don’t want to make any assumptions. But let me take this. From where I have the question is my boyfriend works a lot. And I think he uses that to get out of doing things with me. Why? Why do you think he’s doing that to get out of doing things with you? I mean, if he’s actually factually gone, nowhere Can you believe from him you trust him? Then why do you take it personal? If he has to go to work? And you think he’s using words to avoid stuff with you? And what kind of stuff? Nicole you asking him to do things that you know, that he doesn’t want to do? So he could just say, Oh, you know what, I can’t do it. I gotta work. I mean, men, for the most part, usually don’t like confrontation. So he may very well be using this as an excuse, or he may take his role as a provider very seriously. And he may want to just simply provide for you. And he may, you know, maybe there are financial goals that he has in mind. Maybe there are life goals that you guys have been talking about, that he wants to achieve. And maybe that’s why he works so much. And it’s not about you. Everything is not about us. Like I think that that’s the thing that women have a hard time. putting into perspective. Like I literally told my best friend is the other day like, I don’t remember what we talked about.

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Oh, I asked him, see I’m getting off topic real quick. But I asked him to ask his friend who I met, give me a call because I needed some advice. And a week went by and they got the friend and call me. And so I called him again, I say Hey, did you ask so and so to to give me you know, a call and like really? Before I could get it out? He’s like, yes. You know, I did ask. It’s on my mind. I called him he didn’t call me back. And I was like, Okay. And he’s like, but I didn’t forget about you. And I was like, I want you to know that I’m not taking it personal. Even if you did forget about me. Because life doesn’t revolve around me. But that’s why it’s important to me. So I’m calling to see if you a did it? Or if you didn’t do it be to remind you like it’s not everything is not about me. So it’s very possible. That whatever is going on with your boyfriend is strictly about your boyfriend, and it has nothing to do with you. That’s the first question I have. Sometimes I feel like he uses that as an excuse not to participate in things again, What things? And it seems like maybe you have trouble issues, because you brought it up twice. Like why don’t you just ask him? If this is an excuse? Because you’re asking me? I mean, I’m just it’s not an accusation, but I don’t know him. And I don’t know you. Like the only way to find out what your boyfriend is thinking is to ask him. And if you don’t trust the answer, then you have your answer. If you can’t trust what he says to be facts, that you need to reevaluate that situation. Okay, we live a great life. So I feel like I can’t say anything about work, because I enjoy the finer things in life. Why?

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I mean,

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Matthew had money, lots of it. I complained all the time about about time, I always complained about time. I want time, I want more time, I want more intimacy. And I’m not the kind of girl that means time all the time. Because you see, I really got a lot of time. Like I’m very short on time. But I’m really long on quality time. I’m long on time, that is me time time that is planned for me not the drive by time, hey, I was in Brooklyn, I just want to see you not that, hey, I’m flying in New York right now. I’ll see you because in between my meetings, I mean, this Saturday, at six o’clock, you know, it’s just me, you and me like time, that’s pre plan just for me. And I don’t think that you know, unless you are like, this has changed your life money. This is Oprah money. I don’t understand why you feel like you can’t say something. Unless, in this life, that he’s affording you, he’s affording you completely. And you can’t maintain this life without him. Or you’re not contributing to this life. Like I don’t understand why you you’re in a relationship with somebody where you can’t say what you want to say. And I’m strictly going off of what, you know, six lines in this email, like this is not like an accusation. If you are listening to the show, this is not a matter of me making a judgment, because I can’t judge what I don’t know. But just basically going on what you wrote here. Sometimes I feel like this is an excuse, which you mentioned twice, you think that he doesn’t want to do things which you which is something twice, that’s a trust issue. That’s a you don’t believe him issue. That’s a, maybe there’s been an infidelity issue, or maybe you’ve been cheated on before and don’t have nothing to do with him, he could be a very good, loving, hardworking man, he clearly is providing for you according to what you’re saying. But can you enjoy the finer things in life, if he works less, because my partner works last, I can still enjoy the finer things in life. Like, that’s not gonna slow up my my lifestyle, any might not get as many red bottoms and bags and whatever’s but I live, you know, just always

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credit.

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Credit is

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like, that’s getting in the you like how can I give him to balance work and home without adding more stress to his already stressful career. Um, if he doesn’t see it as a problem, you can, like, you can mention it. But if he doesn’t define it as a problem, if it’s not a problem for him, even though it’s a problem for you. And if he doesn’t see your problems as his problems, then you’re gonna have to find something else to do with your time. Or you’re going to have to to figure out if you could scale back on those finer things in life, or you could provide those things for yourself and for him, if he decides that he’s going to take more time off. So yeah, that’s, that’s the answer to that question. Somebody was a student, they asked me a question about finding a psychology gig for the summer. And I thought it was a really good question. She’s already applied for certain grants and research projects that she’s looking to do in the summertime. And she’s like, if she doesn’t get those opportunities? Did I know somebody? And my answer was no, because I don’t know where she is in the, in the country. And I mean, without really knowing the student, I can’t like reach out to people and say, Hey, I noticed student from Instagram doesn’t really work, right. But my advice to her is my advice to any student that’s listening to my voice. The thing that you could could do and should be doing is going on Psychology Today, looking at profiles of therapists, or psychologists or social workers or wherever it is, your your discipline is, and ask them. If there is summer internship opportunities, call local organizations, either that you participated in that you know about that, um, you know, maybe family members or friends or whoever has benefited from, or they’ve worked with, and just ask them, if you can get a summer internship, call the director and ask them if you can go to lunch to pick their brain, you know, send them a nice, Hi, I am a, you know, Social Work student, and my third my second year of my BSW, I’m researching Social Work careers, and I would really like to have coffee with you, I would really like to take you to lunch, because I you know, I’m looking for information about possible career opportunities, or I’m looking for informations, information about ways that I’ll be able to, like utilize degree when I graduate. I think everybody knows that challenge of starting out without network, a network or those connections that are necessary for us to be able to get what we need. And so I suggest that you start networking. Now, every single school has a alumni page, they’re all Facebook pages about all kinds of things. I know, in NYU, when we graduated, there was an NYU silver alumni page. Columbia has one. So I suggest that you utilize those those resources. I got that going on psychology today. And what I like about psychology today is because the therapists up there are black, go on therapy for Black Girls, melanin men mental health. If you’re looking for somebody who was culturally responsive, and just ask them, email them from the sites, and ask them, you know, first ask them to pick their brain. First, tell them that you admire what they do, and why the community is necessary necessary in the community. And you know, then just ask them if you can have coffee. Ask them if you can. I don’t know see the facility where they where they work, ask them. If you know, if there are any internship opportunities, I mean, you could just go ahead and ask for internship. I personally, I’m just trying to think if I would respond if somebody said, Hey, can I be your intern? I mean, at this point in my life, the answer might be Yes, because I got so much going on. But you get what I’m saying, like try to build some sort of rapport and relationship with them prior to the big ask. But that’s the only way that you’ll be able to do that.

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And even if they say no, keep in contact with them, reach out with them. or reach out to them over the coming months, or just update them. I have a guy who emailed me. He asked me some questions about starting a podcast and different things that he could do with his with his MSW degree. He was an alumni. So he was like, he liked what I do. You know, could I give him some career direction? And we didn’t meet, but I was able to answer his questions via email. And then he emailed me back and was like, hey, that’s a gift suggestions. This is what happened. You know, this was very valuable for me, I hope we can keep in contact. And I was like, Yeah, because I was more invested. Because I had already given him advice. He took my advice, that was advice was successful. And he was able to like turn that into a situation. And so if you are a

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recent grad or

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upcoming grad, and you are looking into

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see what your career options are in the field,

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that would be my advice to you. If anybody else has any other questions, you can email me at Black therapists, podcast. com, if you have any feedback or suggestions, if you want to be on the show, email me, if you want my book, it’s on Amazon. Finally, happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy. And if you want to take our free mental health course one of them have to now you can also text get happy 266866. Okay. This Thursday at 3pm we will be going live again, for our real rap relationship. Rap session series. I think that’s what it’s called. I don’t really remember. But um, oh, yeah, real rap relationship.

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Whatever, whatever. I just said, I’m tired.

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And this week, the topic will be about choosing the content of your relationship. So this is directly from my book. This is I think chapter three, I guess I don’t know. But we’re going to talk about how you can

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choose

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what you engage in. And relationships. I think we we have this big old cancel culture right now. everybody’s like, Oh, I’m not messing with so and so he’s cancelled or I’m not messing with. So and so he’s cancer, I guess last week was Kodak

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black.

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I’ve had opinions about I’m gonna keep it to myself. This week was Yeah, YG. I got opinions, I’m keep it to myself. But like, we have to start thinking about behavior that is like beyond redemption, and if there is any, and if there is not,

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right, like even if there are acts that

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we may deem as unforgivable, I say in air quotes, which you can’t see, because it’s radio and not TV is not TV. But it’s something that was unforgivable. If we could still decide to love that person anyway, and just not allow them into certain areas of our lives. Because I personally think the last straw for me, and any relationship is for you to not speak to me. If you cut off all ties of communications with me, that means that you don’t give a hell, you don’t give a damn, you’re not you’re not emotionally mature enough to resolve issues. your communication

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skills, sucks,

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sucks so bad, you don’t even want to put them to the test. You can’t even communicate to me what the problem is. You are not interested in in finding a solution or working together to find a solution. That is one thing that grinds my gears. So if you ever want to get on my bad side, stop talking to me completely. And if you’ve listened to this show, in the past, you may know that if you start talking to me completely, I may show up on your doorstep. I may even get on a plane to do it, which I’ve done before. Don’t judge me. But yeah, I’m a show up. So you know, we have to start thinking about the things that we want to engage and what we want to invite in our lives and make intentional relationships. And so I’m looking forward to speaking on that this Thursday at three o’clock

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now I had to

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work last Thursday, but I still got the live in. I was unable to put the replay up because I don’t know Instagram was true doing me very dirty. But this Tuesday, I’ll put the Instagram Live up from last week and if you’ve missed any of our past rap session series, which I think there should be four episodes up before last week, which will be five if you’ve missed any episodes, you can go to our Instagram TV and the link is there. Okay, okay, so guys, we wind it down we windy downtown third season. I think we have over 60 episodes at this point. We’ll try to push myself a little bit more so that I can at least get some more episodes in the bag so that we’ll have some fresh stuff at least until June July. I really want to do till June July, take August off in September off come back you know before my birthday sometime, which is an October so first first few weeks of October so if I could come back like middle of September with school, like New York City School System, I’ll be very happy for that but we’re going to see so if you are a therapist under the sound of my voice you can hear the sound of my voice and you want to be on the show please feel free to contact me at that therapist podcast at gmail. com Okay, I might be well thank you guys for listening to another episode of black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss MS in IK I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and IKITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for gap ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

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