There are five personality disorders (cluster B) to avoid if you’re looking for a healthy love connection? Listen to this episode.
Cluster B Personality disorders are widely misunderstood, the cause of a lot of unhealthy relationship chaos under diagnosed in mental wellness circles today.
But at the same time there are a lot of people cavalierly throw around words meant to be used for those who have the collection of symptoms that rise to the point of a diagnosable personality disorder.
It is often thought that if you have certain personality types they can’t be cured or fixed. That idea scares the hell out of most people… because your personality is the basis of who we are.
No matter what personality type you have, it’s your normal. When a personality type rises to the level of dysfunction is when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Goal setting and attainment. Ability to create and maintain relationships. Ability to function at work, maintain daily activities and succeed in society.
When you have those struggles or love someone who does it becomes a major issue. And if this is someone you are attempting to make a love connection with. It can be a major barrier to closeness.
There are certain cluster b personality types and disorders that makes being close with that person incredibly difficult. Some of these are we have all heard of like a sociopath, psychopathy, narcissistic, or borderline personality disorder. But others like histrionic personality disorder maybe a little more obscure even though they are super common and a barrier to healthy relationships.
In this episode we discuss why these are the personality types you should avoid if you can to maintain and create healthy relationships. How to deal with them if you are already in these relationships. What they pitfalls of these relationships are and why they create such chaos when you are trying to find love.
Curious about building relationships with family members and loved ones who have personality disorders? Read our book Finding Happy Seven Steps That Will Not Steal Your Joy.
Curious About Therapy? Take our free mental health course here..
I am Brooklyn based psychotherapist Nikita Banks and I am your host of The Black therapist podcast the black therapist podcast the podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face when dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. If you would like to reach out to us for feedback or show suggestions show topics please feel free to contact us at blackberry podcast at gmail. com. You can listen to new or past episodes on SoundCloud, Apple podcast Stitcher, Spotify, YouTube, I Heart Radio and Google Play. If you are having trouble listening to us on your preferred platform, or if you want us to be on a platform that we’re not currently on, make sure that you send us a private message on our Instagram page at Black therapist podcast or you can just drop us a message or send us an email at back therapists podcast com if you want insider tips, resources and access to our free mental health course make sure that you text get happy to 66866 and my new book, finding
Happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is available right now on Amazon, go to our website or go to our Instagram pages and click the link and purchase because we want to help you get your relationships together for 2018 and beyond these Be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go Hey, Hey, welcome to another episode of black therapist podcast. Okay, so Oh, there’s so much to talk about. As you see I have on my prototype t shirts. I mean, we have so much so many other brands, or styles of T shirts at this point. Now and hopefully by the time you guys see or hear this episode, the site will be live.
If If not, you can slide up in my dm.
We are adding new things to the site all the time, such as my new wine glasses. I’m not sure if you can read it, but we’ll see it and it says more wine. I’m a therapist, because I do like the wine. But tonight, I’m drinking water from my own cup.
You’re watching this wherever you’re watching this, so our YouTube channel is up.
Finally, all of the well not all of the majority of the old episodes are available right now on the YouTube channel so you’ll be able to watch me and hear me as well as there are some of the things that we’re going to put into the Academy. So if you are listening to this episode
when it goes live, the
in the middle of February, we have a few more days left to get in to our free mental health course. healthy relationship building for boss chicks learn relationship cheat codes and 20 minutes a day, I almost forgot what it was called. So that you can get your discount code for finding happy. And we’re going to take our first cohort starting
not this week, but next week, but the discount code expires this Wednesday. So you want to get in, I suggest you hurry up and get in this course is amazing balls. if I do say so myself. It is eight weeks of working directly with the resources that are in the the academy I think there were about 60 resource or lesson
There’s an attachment quiz that will be in there as well. So they will actually be more than 16
Because I didn’t even add the attachment quiz yet. But the attachment quiz is in there so you find out who you’re attracted to why you’re attracted to
the what else is in there? The
it is. It’s a bunch of stuff. I thought I talked about it a lot. And I don’t I don’t want to sell like, I feel like I’m selling you something like, hey, buy my T shirts, by my comes. Listen, this is what it is. Number one. This is a business number two people have been asking me for podcast merchandise, people have been asking me for t shirts people have been asking. You haven’t asked me for the wine glasses, but I figured that that’s something that I would enjoy. So I just made sure that we have that we have vowels. We have mugs, we add those things, but the programs is really why we’re here. And you guys know the reason that I started this podcast was to be able to discuss my own mental health struggles and my journey to be
Getting well, and making sure that that’s a part of it. And I feel like if you if you go to a
financial advisor like Tiffany, the budget nice stuff, you know, the reason she became a financial advisor was because she needed one when she, you know, went through financial issues. The reason most people become fitness gurus or fitness experts is because they struggled with those things as well. And they’re able to identify with the problems that you’re going to do. So not everybody lives in Brooklyn, or in one of the four states that I’m licensed in New York, New Jersey, Georgia and Florida, right? Not everybody’s going to be able to hire me, I don’t take all insurances, I try to figure out a way to be able to work directly with women of color to give them the information that they need to get the life that they they wanted to live and so I created these programs in order to be able to do that. And if you can’t afford a program at $300, or I mean the full price of the program is to be 50 we give you $100 off if
You take the course,
healthy relationship building for boss chicks, there’s $100 coupon code in there that expires on Wednesday, like I said, so you’ll be able to get the codes for 250. You there’s four hours, probably more once I get started, but there’s four hours minimum of group coaching and one on ones in that that course and in order to see me in my office,
you’d like the range it starts minimum $160 that’s for an assessment for some you come to me and that’s not even for hour of my time is for 45 minutes. And so, like, I don’t know why you would you would not want to, to do this like that. It’s less than two sessions with me
is what this course is, which is you you might want to jump on. And you’re curious about therapeutic coaching because this is not therapy, per se, but I use some of the basic
principles of my therapeutic education in order to guide my coaching in this course but I mean it’s a good it’s a good value
eight modules, eight weeks for live coaching sessions, bi weekly check ins, you could submit questions you can come to the thing live you can
send me emails one on ones like we have a lot of lot of good FaceTime that’s in there and then there are assignments, there’s worksheets, there is readings have packed a lot of value in this course and I know for a fact that the course is going to be going up so it’s not going to stay at $350 once I get enough people in it and get some feedback and start to fine tune it the way that I really really want it and the way that you guys say that will provide you the most value it won’t stay at that I already know. So that said this week. We are going to be
Talking about one of my favorite subjects, which is personality types to avoid. Well, I love connection. Now. First things first, every Thursday, I will be going live from the black therapist podcast. Like pointing out my tits, the BlackBerry podcast website, I mean, I’m sorry, black therapist, podcast Instagram. So every Thursday we’re going to be going live on the black therapist, podcast, Instagram at 3pm. And we’re going to be talking about all things relationships. This was a full week engagement. I may extend day I don’t know. Usually I am off on Thursdays because Thursday is my administrative days and in my private practice, the My office is closed. So I’m usually having time to do my billing and chase down my my checks from insurance companies make phone calls, etc. And I’d usually do that on Thursdays.
I don’t have to see patients in the hospital. So I’m hoping that I don’t have to see patients in the hospital because if I do have to see patients in the hospital, usually I do that between two and three. But I’m trying to commit these next four weeks to be live, to work with you guys to take your questions if you’ve taken the quiz or taken the attachment quiz in the healthy relationship for boss, chicks, no relationship Chico’s in 20 minutes a day. Then last week, there were a lot of people who had questions about the attachment quiz. And what I’m thinking about maybe even doing is a mini a mini lesson only on attachment. Because I feel like attachment is so important.
You know, I know a lot of therapists listen to this show. Y’all let me know if you think it’s important, but I think attachment is important thing. So I talked about it a lot.
But I have
had three topics and I was doing
For one more so if you have one more topic that you want to give us, let me know. The first week, which is on our Instagram Stories right now is the attachment styles, why they’re important, and you need to find out yours.
This week we are going to be talking about
personality types to avoid for love connections. And next week is toxic families and renegotiate and roles and relationships and building boundaries. So don’t miss it. It’s going to be a blast. Okay, let’s get into today’s lesson.
So today we will discuss the four personality types you should avoid for a love connections. And I think it’s super important and underrated that we talk about personality types. So in the field of psychology, we are a lot about diagnosis and not enough about personality disorders and their developments. Especially
Since everybody has a personality, right, it would be super important. But that is also why it’s hard to talk about personality disorders. And we all have some parts of personality traits that make up personality disorders, the difference between personality disorders and personality types. So the main difference between what defines a personality type and what defines a personality disorder is whether or not the collection of traits because I don’t want to call them symptoms, even though they may be symptoms, but the collection of traits lead you to have a impairment in your
Your inability to develop
Emotional closeness or close relationships if impairs your ability to find employment and maintain employment,
if it leads to multiple hospitalizations, or hospitalizations, and emotional disturbance, and if your daily functioning is reduced as a result of it, okay. So for example, your president currently won’t say his name 4545 has very narcissistic traits, but because of his economic standing, standing right, and his the constant enabling of his father, he was not impaired. And the way that if he was just a regular Joe who had to work for somebody else, he would have been impaired like
we’re now seeing the all of these emotional disturbances that he has now and all these personality quirks that are in line with narcissistic personality disorder, one malignant, narcissistic personality disorder, because he now works for the American people. But when he worked for himself, he he didn’t have these problems. And he had his father to bail him out, which is very similar. His story is parallels my dad’s and a lot of different ways.
And we talked about that later. We may talk about that another time. So that’s one thing. Another thing that makes it a disorder is you have to have at least I believe it is five to six criteria, or traits that are possible in a personality disorder
to have a diagnosis or traits in a personality type. So it’s like
Trying to figure out what’s the easiest way for me to describe this? So it’s like if you have a cold, right? If you have a cold, and you have no I’ll use depression, right? So, in order for you to have depression, you have to have either lost NACA concentration, you have to have around blinking sadness, perpetual sadness, you have to have an ability to function, either overeating or under eating, either over sleeping or under sleeping, you have to have a preoccupation with with death, intrusive thoughts. So all of these make up a diagnosis, right? But you may not have all of those. You may have some of those like, but you have to have at least five in order for us to be like what they have a diagnose a
diagnosis of depression, and let’s say the amount of time was it for one month or three months? Was it is it persistent if it’s persistent, then it
dystonia, and it’s not depression. If you’ve had a manic episode with that, then you have bipolar depression, you get what I’m saying. So it’s not just that you have these symptoms is you have to have a certain set number of the traits. In order for us to say this is that person’s personality type, and it has to have be
impairing your daily functioning in order for us to say, Oh, this is a disorder, right? Because the disorder is exactly what it sounds like. It’s something that brings chaos or destruction or dis dis organization to your life. That’s what makes it a disorder. Not that, you know, just I mean, there are a lot of successful people who are narcissists. There are a lot of successful people who are sociopaths. There are a lot of successful people who are histrionic
and those are all
Things that we’re going to talk about today because I think in relationship wise if you’re just a regular Joe or regular Jane, and you try to date somebody who’s histrionic they may get on your nerves. It’s gonna be closed with a narcissist. You’re going to get your heart and your feelings and everything else broken. So we’re going to talk about that more in depth. So in this day and age in the age of the Instagram models, it will be very hard to find somebody who is not a teeny weeny bit narcissistic or histrionic but we have to be careful to not label people who are just plain weird as having a disorder. So today we’re going to talk more in depth about how you tell the difference. Okay, so let’s break this down what is a personality? It is a characteristic set of behavior is a set of characteristic behaviors, cognition, emotional patterns, and emotional patterns that evolved on biological factors nature
nocebo heredity, environment, family and culture. These are all situations that influenced our personality. And the other thing that influences our personality is natural temperament. Personality typing is simply a system of seeing consistent patterns of behaviors within an individual, society and culture sets the societal norms and standards. And we as human beings have to learn how to navigate them by either being in sync with those patterns or rejecting them. Now, as an African American, or I’m black, it goes without saying we are for the most part counter culture, but we also what defines cool, right? So as far as the psychological stuff is, Bob goes, we have traditionally been at anomaly to science, who don’t even really bother to study us, and so us as different or inferior, yet though,
do policies like integration, we lost our independence and the unit
adversity and scientific research that would have done studies on us, for us by us right to benefit us ceased to exist. And now we have to contend with Freud and them to tell us how we feel, and it builds a lot of mistrust. So that said, because of assimilation and acculturation, we have started to think and act like Dwight’s and with the barriers of not being them and engaging and cold switching and the like, and it becomes very confusing. And so we have learned to see what the people see is normally to see if we are in line with that behavior, or we are just plain out of line period. And so for a lot of us we become diagnosed with these disorders. Either we’re overdiagnosed or we’re under diagnosed at the overmedicated or under medicated which is why there has to be more
culturally competent, responsible therapists, we need more therapists of color. So that we could say, Oh, no, that’s just, you know, culture. That’s not a diagnosable, you know, thing, right? Well, that’s just a, you know, a normal behavior in our culture. And so I think that a lot of this stuff doesn’t take into account culture, but I also think culturally black people have, they have their own issues. We’ll talk about that another time. It’s a lot to talk about.
That’s going to be a really, really, really good, good show. I’m a step one, a few toes can’t wait. But when we talk about, culturally how how we are, I believe we’re predisposed to certain disorders, and certain behaviors that are destructive and disruptive and maladaptive and it is stopping us from finding the
closeness that we say that we attain, and so definitely want to talk about that later. The other thing about personality disorders that scared the hell out of people is they are who they are right? And depending on the personality side, you don’t think that there’s nothing wrong with you. Right? Your personality is deeply rooted in who you are. And if someone tries to get you to change that, without your consent, or your insight, that’s a problem. It’s a problem. And your personality is built on such maladaptive, destructive, dysfunctional, abusive and neglectful behaviors. That is a frickin problem. If they are able to get into close relationships with others, their distorted sense of self unstable emotions or out of control behaviors. Me
Any longtime partners they have must be willing to put up with a great deal of bull. Especially when life circumstances of grad aggravate Abu bait. They’re already precarious hold on their feelings and behaviors. It’s very easy to say, Oh, just avoid psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorders. And that is not what you think criminals etc. But that should be easy to say. But since there’s a whole world called locked up love love after lockdown or whatever the hell the show’s called. I mean, you might want to avoid someone that is outwardly nutty, but that’s not what we’re talking about today. antisocial personality disorder is not someone like me, who enjoys to have alone time. And the actual clinical term for that means a criminal and someone whose behavior is repeatedly acting against society.
So it goes without saying that you should avoid criminals. But you know, john Gotti had a wife
that tell job President got had three, right? The Menendez brothers they get married behind bars people will write in, you know Jeffrey Dahmer and what’s the john Wayne Gacy and Ted Bundy letters right so clearly
they are these these people out here that believe that love can cure you of any old thing and they will just try and try and try for whatever reason, right but but if you’re somebody like me who grew up in the hood, I know some criminals who were very nice people to me.
They were very nice people to me, but they are you know, they, they’ve done some time and if you if you live in a black community, and we
Know that we our men are targeted a lot more they’re arrested for less than for lesser crimes, they get time for things that other people would get a slap on the wrist or like we know these things. So it’s it would be easy to say avoid a criminal, but it’s it’s, it’s not often done. It’s not always done. And as somebody who works with sex offenders, I can tell you that a lot of those guys who are convicted sex offenders, they have, they have partners, they have partners, they have families, they get married. I didn’t put pedophilia on here, but pedophilia is a disorder. It’s not really like a personality thing. So
yeah, avoid sex sex offenders though, please. I mean, I say that goes without saying but I have to I feel like I have to say it. You might want to avoid sex offenders.
So I’m talking more about single white females not interracial love.
I’m talking about the shape shifting borderline personality peeps. Now I have an issue with the thought that most people who suffer from borderline personality disorder are women. But I believe the reason for that narrative continues is a women go to therapy more and are therefore diagnosed over men. Be men perpetuate this and see women are seen as biologically predisposed to being erratic, which I disagree with
a little bit. However, the truth is that I believe that there are also more men who are borderline but they’re just undiagnosed. These men are evidence by movies like you and dirty john.
borderline personality disorder, aka emotionally unstable personality disorder, which is its literal name is diagnosed
The following behaviors one the extreme people with borderline personality disorder and of course because I’m hip hop, I’m going to keep messing up and Sam bvp for Boogie Down productions so don’t Don’t mind me people with BPD has regular trouble regulate in their emotions and they cannot handle rejection. So before they are rejected, they reject you. They have impulsivity.
Inability to make good decisions.
Just discipline it rage reactions, unstable sense of identity, desperate fears of abandonment, maintaining and always present entourage, chronic feelings of emptiness, often dramatic suicidal threats or jesters, what distortion and sometimes sliding into paranoia. These people also cut
or they may expect
exhibit self harming behaviors.
They make erratic decisions and, like, you know, super promiscuous sex or they will overspend or make, you know, a lot of impulsivity and impulsive decisions.
And they are really it really is hard for them to regulate their emotions. Also, I wanted to say this and I feel like I’m jumping around but men are usually diagnosed as sociopathic if they have borderline personality traits, and that’s because men have more. I don’t, I don’t want to sound sexist, but in our society, men are more celebrated for their
their rage. Like we see that going on. Now. With
A lot of the school shootings and America’s access to guns. And so men have more access. I
mean, I guess the women have the same access, maybe culturally, men just will do some real stupid. If they can’t regulate their emotions of men can’t regulate their emotions, there’s usually going to be a lot more violence, then that happens with women. But I think that because the level of violence or violent reaction is criminal. It may seem that that all men who have these emotional disturbances are just sociopaths, instead of being borderline. So I think that’s another reason why men are under diagnosed. fear of abandonment, people with borderline personality disorder are terrified of being abandoned or
Left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late for work, or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg or claim, stop fights, track your loved ones movements or even physically black the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect driving others away to unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short lived. You may fall in love quick, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole. all need to be quickly disappointed. And your relationships either seem perfect or horrible without any middle ground. Your Lovers friends, family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash.
As a result of your
Rapid swings from idealization to devaluation to anger and hate,
unclear or shifting self image. When you have borderline personality disorder, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself or even view yourself as evil, you probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result you may frequently change jobs friends, lovers, religions, values, goals, and even sexual identity. For em pulse of self destructive behaviors. If you have PBPD of course I want to say the other thing, you may engage in harmful sensation seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset you may and possibly spend money you can’t afford binge eat drive recklessly shoplift, engage in risky sex overdo it with drugs, alcohol, the
risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long term five self harm I just talked about this suicidal behaviors and deliberate self harm is common with people with BPD suicidal behaviors, including thinking about suicide making suicidal gestures or threats are actually carrying out a suicide attempt. self harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicide attempt attempts like cutting,
Extreme emotional swings, unstable moods and mood swings are common. One moment you may feel happy the next despite that little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quick and like the emotional mood swings of depression or bipolar.
disorder, usually lasting a few minutes or hours.
Chronic feelings of emptiness people with BPD often feel empty, and they talk about it as if there was a hole or void inside of them at the extreme. You may feel as if you are nothing or nobody and this feeling is so uncomfortable that you may try to fill it with things like alcohol or drugs or food or sex, but nothing feels truly fab satisfying,
Now, if you have BPD you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit.
Yelling don’t things are becoming completely consumed by rage. It is important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outward.
You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at your
Self feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality? People with BPD often struggle with paranoia, or suspicions or suspicious thoughts about others and their motives when under stress you may even lose touch with reality. A little thing called this association you feel foggy spaced out or if you’re outside of your body floating okay? These people are scary. They’re they’re very scary people
might want to avoid them.
But what if, what if you are them? So possible famous borderline Angelina Jolie remember she was wearing the blood around her neck when she’s married to Billy Bob Thornton. Marilyn Monroe football player Brandon Marshall talks about it. Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears and more. Now, borderline is usually going on.
At the same time as another diagnosis like mania or depression, or it can be the cause of it, right. So in African American communities, these also go either under or miss diagnosed. For me, I learned in school if someone is cutting themselves more than likely they have bipolar disorder period. But for the most part, we don’t see a whole lot of that kind of self injurious behaviors. I’ll say in a lot of African American communities, and African American patients, we see more internal self injury in black communities like drugs and alcohol abuse. The reason that people indulgent to these activities is because they have problems regulating their emotions, and they become so unbearable, that the lack of mechanism to navigate them makes them just want to suppress them. So when you try to break up with border lines, they go ape shit. I really believe that a lot of men who commit domestic violence are born.
they use dangerous means of control. So they are not advancing and they are emotional suicide bombers. And what I mean by that is they will take all collateral damage. And you too, if they can get you, they don’t care if they get themselves known as they take you out. And I believe in hindsight that my Neti pots was probably borderline. He feared being abandoned because his mother was murdered when he was 12. And he saw it. So he would do Wow, stuff where he thought that you were going to leave like, he climbed into my mother’s third or fourth story window and broke into her apartment. When she woke up with him. I had an argument with him one time and he told me that he was going to call the police on me and he was going to take my kid
just because I wouldn’t put out his toxic behaviors like he was. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
left him, but he was
Eddie even threaten suicide a few times. And
you know, even when he died, this is not a laughing matter. But when he died, my family was kind of concerned that he actually did it. I didn’t think that he would kill himself ever because he’s a narcissist, too. But anyway, I wouldn’t have been surprised if,
you know, see his mother died had triggered this abandon
fear of abandonment and it was the only way that his messed up psyche could even make sense of what of being left and what he saw.
So, the narrative of a person with borderline personality disorder is I often feel empty. My emotions shift very quickly, and I often experience extreme periods of sadness, anger and anxiety. I’m constantly afraid
That people I care about will abandon me or leave me. I would describe most of my magic relationships as intense but unstable. And the way I feel about the people in my life can dramatically change from one moment to the next.
And I don’t always understand why I often do things that I know are dangerous or unhealthy, such as driving recklessly, having unsafe sex, binge drinking, or doing drugs or going out on shopping sprees. I’ve attempted to hurt myself engage in self harming behaviors, such as cutting or threaten suicide. And when I’m feeling insecure, in a relationship, I tend to lash out and make impulsive gestures to keep the other person close.
dismissing black and white thinking sex
People as all good or all bad is the problem throwing the baby out with the bathwater, how borderline see people, they try to think and act and speak in ways that they think their partner will like, by mirroring them. And what’s a bad thing happens, they may feel an intense feeling of distrust and hatred, they may feel that they have given everything and their relationship and changed everything about themselves to satisfy the other person. Even if they weren’t asked to do this, right. So mirroring behaviors are like what we seen in single white female, if you would never seen that movie, go out and watch it. It’s a really good movie. But
a lot of border lines have an unstable view of themselves. They’re not very sure of themselves. They’re not very secure in themselves. So they’re very Me too. And I don’t mean to me to movement, shout out to turn
Rhonda Byrne, that’s amazing. But I mean,
it reminds me of the song horse and carriage. And the part. I don’t want to I’m not gonna sing it What? You Google that it’s a good song. But in a song when we can run is like the girl says he says something new girl says Me too, right? So whatever you do, they do. If you if, if sushi is my favorite food, sushi is your favorite food. You know, single white female is my favorite movie thing away from my favorite is it’s like every single thing that you do.
But not every single thing that you do. But a lot of what you do, because they have an unstable sense of self that they’ll do whatever it is, that whoever their object is the object of their attention because it doesn’t even have to be somebody that they that they like, but the object of their attention does they would do. So this second personality type to avoid his past.
Tao of commitment loyalty trustworthy of others, believing others are using or deceiving them. They are paranoid. They are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that that information will be used against them. They are unforgiving and the hold grudges they are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly. They we heated meetings in innocent remarks or casual looks of others perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others because they there. They generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate and have recurrent suspicions about reasons that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful. They are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others and might become controlling and jealous cannot see their role in any problem or conflict and they believe that they
Always right? They have difficulty relaxing, they’re hostile and stubborn and argumentative. Sounds like a love connection.
So, the reason I say paranoid because obviously, they sound like disasters, right? You want to avoid paranoid people, but paranoia is a prominent symptom of schizophrenia. And I’m not telling you not to date people who have schizophrenia, but I am saying that, that it is a particularly dangerous symptom to have, you know, even for people who have PTSD, that hypersensitivity, that hyper awareness, that paranoia is very dangerous. So to get close to them as partners, and if you’re looking for somebody to get a love connection with,
you don’t want to be with somebody who’s paranoid or just
All the time, well don’t trust you, or think that you’re always up to nothing and no good, right? That’s not something that that lends itself to a healthy interaction or a healthy love connection. So I just think that paranoid or you know, something that is not talked about a lot. That’s something that you really need to kind of think about. Okay, so the third to the third two are kind of twin spirits. One is the psychopath and the other is the Narcissus. Now, did you know that a minister, a chef, surgeon, salesman, civil servant, politician, police officer, TV personality, CO and lawyer have that in common? They are all career paths chosen by psychopaths, right? And these are also narcissistic careers as well. So what do they have in common? Well,
the difference is
Is that the one is likely to kill you, the other one will make you want to die
to get away from them. That’s just a little narcissistic humor, right? But what most people don’t know is that all psychopaths are narcissistic, but not all narcissists are psychopaths. And I mean, I didn’t I didn’t make it up that those are the careers it was just a study and I just thought it was an interesting fact that all of those careers are narcissistic careers or, you know, psychopathic careers. But in the case of like surgeons,
ministers, police officers,
politicians, that makes a lot of sense because these are careers where they date they have a grandiose sense of importance. Some of them literally have the power of life or death and
They can exert a lot of great a lot of power on the lives of other people, which can be scary for most people, and not for others. And another good thing about the good thing, but the good thing about the people who are narcissistic and psychopaths is that they’re usually seen as good under pressure. And they can think in terms of bottom line financially, as opposed to human collateral. And that’s not really good when you think in terms of a politician. It’s not really what we want, but it’s kind of like the political structure that we have now in this country and that’s a whole nother topic. Everything I say is a whole nother topic, but that’s a whole nother topic for a whole nother day.
psychopath D is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions and particularly reduced fear stress tolerance, lacking empathy, cold hearted
This lacking guilt at manipulative impulsivity, anti social behaviors, such as criminality, because of the way society is set up, we see psychopaths as kind of like badass guys. We love to glorify them all the chuck Norris’s and Charles Bronson, Bruce Willis’s and Sam Jackson of the world, we have seen them using their psycho Cathy, in the defense of the week, look at Denzel Washington and equalizer, right. And then the Society of Black women, we want a man to go that extra mile to make sure that we are safe in a world where police could just pull us over and violate us and our men, right. However, the problem is that the cops are more than likely to be psychopaths themselves. So with the power of life and death in their hands and their ability to assert their power and control over the lives
You can get how a drunk and this extends to their relationships as well.
To be honest,
when you are growing up in Brooklyn,
I have dated my fair share of houses I say, criminals. I told you guys this the occasional drug dealers one time one time I dated a well known rapper. And as we were chilling and getting to know each other in the early phases of our relationship, I knew he had an arrest. So I just casually asked him, Hey, what did you get arrested for? And he was like,
uh, aggravated kidnapping.
And some and some other things. I was like, Oh, hell, no, no, my baby lives here.
The relationship didn’t last long. However, yeah.
People who love them to save that for their Grandma, right? You save yourselves you you don’t want to get caught up in a relationship with a psychopath. Okay? But narcissists and psychopaths are my jam on the surface. They are everything I’m attracted to.
They look good, they’re successful. They may have escaped. They dress well. They’re nice, right? But I don’t like
that they don’t share. And they don’t allow you to get your way with them because you work for them. Dealing with my dad, he would often make me feel really good, he would compliment me.
But I didn’t understand until I understood his diagnosis, that when he would compliment me he was really complimenting himself. He was like, Oh, my daughter is beautiful. So therefore, I’m beautiful. You know, she’s she’s good because she came from me. It’s kind of a different kind of form.
mirroring Allah y’all president who says that he hopes his daughter has a nice rack and she’s an infant, or that he would date the one he loves. Because she’s the attractive one, right? My dad was proud and obsessed.
When my sister and I will get male attention, but he was also a real estate developer, like your president.
And I dated a guy who was a real estate guy had a lot of properties and stuff and my father was smitten
with him. He’s like, drove a nice car. My dad always drove nice cars. So my father was like, she’s dating me. I mean, I know that’s not what he said. My father was this weird thought it was funny. I mean, you live in sorry, kind of societal shit like you live inside certain environment. You just think this is normal stuff.
Right. I love them but he was nutty. But yeah, I found myself attracted to I am I am I will admit, I am attracted to men who are on the narcissism scale if I like a man with a little bit of money like a male a little bit of stuff narcissists are usually successful they present well they have good you know, we almost have to be a narcissist to be a black man in the United States and that’s another conversation for another day. But we gonna put a pin in there. Y’all let me know if you thinking about that. Uh, you hear this? You let me know what you think about that. I think that a lot of black men are narcissistic. Because of the way society is and the way society treats us but
I know my ruffle a few feathers I said I wasn’t gonna say it but I said it today. I’m gonna ruffle a few feathers dare fight me to sweat. It is
the next and last
A personality disorder that we’re going to talk about is histrionic personality disorder. Now, histrionics are not really talked about a lot, but I think that they are seen everywhere. histrionic is like a drama queen, right? And diagnostically, it’s, it’s a Kardashian. Right? It’s, it’s a woman who needs to be center of attention. They need eyes and ears and fingers and toes on them at all given times they need to, to old attention at all times. They are overly sexual. They are.
I mean, even in a diagnosis, it says a change appearance a lot but with I mean, that could be any any old black woman but you see how the Kardashians they invented you know, the boxer braids
What a histrionic person is is a drama queen. And it’s very difficult to be in a relationship with anybody that lacks empathy. It’s very difficult to be in a relationship with somebody that believes that they are or they are here and you are there. It’s very difficult to be in a relationship with somebody who believes that the sun rises when they open their eyes in the morning.
Because at all times the the, the onus of the relationship is on you.
It’s private day iteration. The symptoms of histrionic personality disorder are in some ways very similar to narcissism, to the point that some researchers believe the two are virtually indistinguishable. However, people who would have a high histrionic symptom index would in addition to being self centered,
A sexually seductive or in an indiscriminate manner overly theatrical capable of only superficial feelings and superficial relationships with others. They are unhappy when they are not the center of attention. This is the people with histrionic personality disorder, who are most likely to qualify for the distinction of drama queens, there are additional quality of being overly impressing this thick, and it adds to the mix amount of
histrionic symptoms being the basis of limited evidence. In other words, they jumped to conclusions, often basing their decisions on gut instincts rather careful analysis in general, we have to start to examine our attractions to the types of people who are on the spectrums for these personality types, as well as those personalities who rise to the level of disorder.
And dysfunction. There are a lot of attractive traits that are promoted in this
society that make us think that these behaviors are desirable. But if the goal is peace, health, and happiness, and not relationships that will give us the run around and consistently trying to convince us
that these screwed up individuals are lovable, we have to identify why we are attracted to them. See what we see that is both attractive and repulsive, and find someone to help us heal that issue and make another choice. Now, I’m thinking about doing a class on on narcissism, and destructive personality disorders, and a new course called detox, love recovery. Learn to leave unhealthy love once and for all that
Let me know if this is something that you’d be interested in, and our next four week coaching program because I would love to do that, okay.
Now I picked these personality disorders for a reason or personality types for a reason. Because if you’re looking to, to have a healthy love connection, what ends up happening with these sorts of people is you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worthiness to them.
And what ends up happening is you feel unlovable, because you can’t get these people to love you, but they cannot.
They simply can’t. They don’t have the capacity. They don’t have the emotional fortitude to be able to feel what you want them to feel. They cannot be who you want them to be. They’re not going to make the decisions that puts you first or make makes your needs more important than theirs.
any given time, and if they do, it’s usually a tool of manipulation. It’s not really because they want to see you happy. It’s usually a mechanism for them to get something that they’re looking to get. These people are calculating, they’re manipulative, they will hurt you. And if you’re looking for love, or healthy connections, these HF these HR folks, now, what if these are you folks? What if these are your family members? As I said, I think my father was very mentally ill. I know that there are some other members of my family who have personality disorders. I know my I, myself am I’m on the spectrum.
What a spectrum of behaviors. I can be very histrionic when I want to because I’m sense of attention. Look at me right now. I’m talking to you guys like this. This takes a certain level of courage. This takes a certain level of hutzpah. I speak Yiddish I live in I live in Midwood, Brooklyn.
Um, but this, this takes a certain level of guts. But you know, you kind of have to have a grandiose idea about yourself to be like, I could do this, right. But there’s a healthy level of that. I think that we all have to have a healthy level of like wanting to be the center of attention. Sometimes, like, I don’t need to be the center of attention all the time.
Right? I don’t I don’t need to be the center of attention all the time.
But I like to dress I like to get your ass I like to maybe show out sometimes when I go out, but I will I won’t upstage a bride. Right. I won’t, you know, vain out of a wedding. Or like I like you like that. I don’t know I don’t like bad behavior. Like I like to make me make a scene in BC. But I don’t like to make a scene and I like anybody that’s loud. And boisterous and what and history I people that that and for black women because we
have been ignored by society our beauty isn’t exalted we aren’t given the credit that we’re do a lot of times we were seen as boisterous and histrionic.
But that’s just because we be a judge by other people’s standards. So it’s kind of hard to see and say, but the you know, that girlfriend that you got that repeatedly, the rude one or that girlfriend that always got to shade everybody or not nice to anybody if she’s not being seen, like, we know who those people are. But it’s very difficult to get close to them even as friends, but it as family members, it can be very difficult as well. So just kind of keep in mind that these are all personality types.
And they may rise to the level of disorder if they it lowers their daily functioning or their functioning or their ability, ability to make money or be close to other people.
Or keep jobs. But um Yeah, I just wanted to bring these to your awareness. I know that everybody’s probably heard of like borderline or narcissistic or sociopath, or a psychopath and sociopath psychopath. It’s the same thing. But not a lot of people know about histrionic personality disorder. Now I people knows about skis like I say skis, because, you know, I grew up in, in the, the rap era would be like, see the skis Lloyd and, uh, my therapist and I had a long conversation about that. That’s not how you pronounce it. It’s pronounced skip suede personality disorder, which also think a lot of black women have and we will talk about habits.
We have to talk about that. We don’t talk about everything another time. But anyway, skis like personality disorder. That’s right. No. Yes. Ski boy. No. skillfully. I’m sorry y’all. Skip so I had personality disorder is oppression.
I decided I think a lot of black women have. We’re going to talk about that another time as well. I think that I mean, I could also do a show on personality types period. Did you find this interesting? Some people may, some people may not. I think it’s interesting because it allowed me to kind of understand my father once I realized what his diagnosis was and what his issues was. It allowed me to bond with him in a different way. And it allowed me to see him for what he was and not for what he wasn’t. And when the dream of making him be something that he couldn’t be in my life, and it saved me a lot of years of trying to turn him into somebody that he wasn’t.
So this has been another episode of The Black therapist podcast. I hope you guys do not forget to join us Thursday at three o’clock on our Instagram page, where we are going to talk about these four personality types that
That you should avoid for love connection. If you want to make secure connections with the left one. The way that you prepare for the show is number one, DM me or email me and ask me whatever questions you want to ask me about different personality types of disorders. I’ll talk about more than these four. If you have questions, if you listen, to listen to this show, if you haven’t yet, because I’m going to answer whatever questions that you have on our Instagram page. So listen to the whole show. Take notes if you need two, and three. Make sure that you’re there at three o’clock with all of your questions and we’re going to answer them. I don’t know how long I’m gonna go maybe 30 minutes, maybe 40 minutes, but it depends if you show up and ask me questions. I will answer them. Also, you can shop our TVs at the black therapists podcast shop on and
Thank you for listening and continuing to support what it is that we do here. All right? Be well, OO,
our, your coupon code, your coupon code expires on this Wednesday. So if you have taken our free mental health course and you want that hundred dollars off and take our full eight week course, with the four hours of one on one coaching sessions with with us, well, four hours of live coaching sessions with us, then make sure that you, you use that thing while you can. Okay, because we only got to take a certain number of people in the course was full, it’s full. That’s it, and we can keep going. Alright, so thank you for listening be well thank you guys for listening to another episode of black therapist podcast. Once again, you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black Bear podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black
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