ego defense mechanism

Big Ego

Ego defense are there to protect us from the uncomfortable feelings that are far to painful to face. But more often then not there is a battle between us and the world for external validation that just isn’t worth a damn. In this episode we discuss the ego, the id and the battle we face within.

Also on this episode we discuss the trauma of being left behind after we’ve suffered a loss.

Finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is the new book by me Nikita Banks, a licensed psychotherapist and life strategist, leverage the knowledge and you’ll receive in this book to help you with the process of obtaining absolute clarity. Through the use of Guided Self exploration. This process is necessary to help you master all your relationships in 2019 and beyond going or black therapists podcast calm and grab your copy of the book guaranteed to help you redesign all your relationships based on two basic principle, health and happiness. Get your copy today. Welcome to the black therapist podcast. The black therapist podcast is podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face with dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. Now if you are new to our show, I am your host author a life strategist. psychotherapist Nikita Banks in private practice in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I am available for adult psychotherapy and coaching sessions. And you can find more information about that on my website Nikita Banks calm you can listen to our podcast everywhere podcasts are found Apple podcast, Google Play YouTube, SoundCloud,


Stitcher, I Heart Radio and black therapists podcast com if you are a mental health advocate or a therapist and you want to buy our podcast merchandise, you can do so by visiting our site. And if you want access to our free mental health tips, free online trainings, discount is selected selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy, all one word 266866 if you love the podcast, please like comment and share. We love to hear from you. And if you want to send me some feedback, guest suggestions or simply to say hey, you can contact us at our website, black therapists Please be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go. Hey, guys. Welcome back. Oh my gosh, there’s so much going on.

And first of all,

shout out to

all of you guys for supporting and listening. Apparently you like this little brown girl from Bed Stuy. Last month, we had our biggest month we hit over 15,000 downloads and I just want to say thank you. I’ve never even thought that I would have over 13,000 downloads in a month. And last month was kind of iffy for me because you know, I had Take some time off, I took two weeks off of social media, which I need it. And you know, sometimes there are things that I post live, there’s some things that I schedule I, if anybody VMs me or if you if you leave a comment, I’m the one who responds to all of it. And so, if I’m not in session, if I’m not with a patient, if I’m not trying to catch up on some Z’s or do some other stuff, with the business, I am responding to, to all messages. And of course, I got a message as I said that.

And so,

you know, I thought by taking two weeks off of social media and then taking a week off of the show, that my numbers would go down, but you guys

really like me.

So I appreciate the support. If you’ve been following me for the last, I would say four or five years. I’ve been doing a toy drive for a shelter called food forest Inc here in Brooklyn, New York, which is a domestic violence shelter. I don’t really talk a lot about my personal business but my father was physically abusive to I guess almost every woman he’s ever dated

except for what I know of.

And so you know, working and achieving my undergrad my graduate degree and working for food first Inc and seeing the children who are displaced and like have to just kind of sometimes we were just there, they’re holding on their backs with their moms and financial situations in dire straits are always either raise whilst they raise money because I don’t send me no money all. I usually just collect toys, and by them so over the past few years, what we were doing, we’re doing events for Are the toy drive and my friends

Roger and

Mike mogul used to help me

with the toy events and so in my office I’ve been collecting toys is some you know sometimes kind of hard to ask clients to give bring toys or whatever but my clients do their best. And over the last two years I lost my partner so I’ve been like buying stuff myself, and I wasn’t going to do it this year. But I have a hard time disappointing the kids. So I’ve created a registry on Let me see what I put it under. And I guess if you want to buy a toy, I picked the cheapest, nicest toys that I could find stuff under five and $10 for the age groups that we have, usually the kids in the shelter are from zero to one, you know I buy them for in the From like zero to 24 months from, you know, two to three, I guess or zero to three. I don’t really know. You know, just not choking have hazards because people have little little brothers or sisters but I try to by age appropriate gifts and then the kids who are like 14 to 16 they’re kind of hard to buy this like gummy gel, you know, what is that as earbuds or your pods or whatever, those are the kind of well, not earplugs, that’s too expensive earbuds. I try to buy for those guys. And so I’m gonna go on a pocket again. My friends convince me that they’re going to help me do it. But if you are listening and he wants to contribute, please go on target registry. I created a registry and it’s public. And it’s gonna be black therapists podcast registry. That’s not what it what it is what I’m going to try to change it. So that or you can search it on to my name the kita and ik it a bank calm and it will mail directly to my office by a toy to Toy Story toys, whatever. And, you know, God bless you.

Okay, so

it’s been a really hard

few months for me as I’ve dealt with like a lot of deaths around me. And a lot of things that have been happening around me that have not had anything to do with me, but I’ve just been kind of absorbing all of the emotional distress that everybody that I love has been going through and like, like TV shows stuff, you know, like you have people get when I was growing up, people would die.

You know, old people

People who are sick gangsters, and it will kind of make sense to you right but this like senseless murders and

stuff that just

happened just because of happenstance like stuff that I don’t know I hate to feel like it would never happen to somebody that I know but like stuff that have been like straight out of like, my stuff that I thought I would have to deal with in this stage of my life is happening around me. And so being able to to create safe spaces for people who are grieving is really hard. This week, I lost a good friend of mine. Try not to cry about it. Somebody I grew up with, loved them. Community loved him, everybody loved them. And

for my I understand he

had a, he crashed his car while he had a diabetic seizure. And like, you know, I’ve been asked to do shows about black men, but I really want more black men to come on with my therapist, who are black men to come on the show to talk about some of your issues. And one of the things I really would like to talk to, with a black therapist is just like the trauma of being left behind. For a lot of us, um, I have a friend of mine who’s a comedian, shout out to Rodney Perry. And, you know, a few years ago, he had a stroke. I feel like I’m getting really emotional. I know I didn’t do the what would you do, but I’ll do it at the end of the show. And when Randy had his stroke, and he and I spoke after that we really talked about the anxiety that his his wife and his kids had afterwards. And he he didn’t realize the angst that we have. And as a black woman who loves a black man and who has a black son who I adore, just just that anxiety that I have every time he leaves the house. And there’s just the trauma of being like the women and the kids that are left defenseless without black men in our community. It’s it’s a trauma that is so hard to even think about. And

if there are any black men listening, who

can hear me or any women who love black men who hear me like you have a black man around you, son, father, brother, uncle, cousin, whoever, like Could you just make a doctor’s appointment for them? This week

and I say this like as if I don’t take

my health.

I mean, I do but I don’t write like I just had my physical this year and I make sure to make my son’s physicals when I make mine and make sure to make his dental appointments when I’m making mine and

I mean,

my partner, I never really had to do those things for him because just the nature of like what he did for a living, he always kind of like, stayed on top of that stuff. And I would hear all I’m going to the doctor today or I had tests today or I had to do this or that today. So like I’ve never even had to like think about it, but like So traumatic to be left without men in your in your life and

as I’m saying it and I’m thinking about it like

if you’ve ever heard this the show that I did about my father dying two years ago, you know, I was kind of okay when he died and I’m

generally okay.

When I think about him not being here but it is also traumatic in a lot of ways for me to think about things that I wouldn’t do that I would normally call my father and have him do and not have him around. And so I don’t know I was kind of devastated this week when I found out that my friend died the way he died, because I’m like, Did he not know he was diabetic did was he not on medication was Were there signs in his body that he just wasn’t?


you know, paying attention to was he just not listening to what was happening with him? Did he know he just didn’t take care of it? You know, and it’s not just him like I women do that too. Like we don’t take care of ourselves. We try to take care of everything else. I’ll say myself like recently, you know, I think I’ve said this on the show before I’ve had a respiratory infection, probably for the past two months. And I think after the last month, like recently, I’ve started to get serious about like, fighting it. You know, last month that was an issue with my insurance, I paid it they counseled me, I got my insurance, like, you know, I made my appointments. I was able to keep my appointment. So it was that whole thing but like, it was like life was getting in the way. And so for me to be able to be like Know when I took two weeks off, I had like crazy insomnia, and for the therapists that are listening, I can’t be the only one who, when I have insomnia, I’m like, Am I manic right now? Is this is this mania? No, I’m not manic. Um, but yeah, I had, I have a crazy insomnia for like, a few weeks. So then I had to, like, lean into the insomnia and be like, well, if I’m going to be up, I have to do something. But I’m not gonna keep laying in bed with laying in bed for like an hour, not being able to fall asleep. And then I don’t know something kicked in. When I took a week off. I took a whole week off and

I just, I got up

and did everything that I needed to do. This was the easiest Thanksgiving that I’ve ever had in my entire life. Like everything was was prepped. It was clean. It was orderly. But I took the whole week off so like, like, you know, I didn’t burn anything. Always burn away. De Eva Eva, Eva, bro something for Christmas. I burn something for Thanksgiving. But usually I burn something for Thanksgiving and then Christmas goes off without a hitch. So y’all pray for my Thanksgiving dinner. But I didn’t burn anything.

I slept uninterrupted nights. I got up in morning like I’m up in the daytime, I have all it is good, good energy. I’m sleeping for eight hours now. And it’s just like, Who am I? That that week that I took off was just kind of like what I needed to do to decompress. And so I was like, You know what, I’m gonna take another week off of social media, which really helped me so if you guys missed me on social media, I’ll be back. But yeah, I didn’t send out any emails for the mailing lists. I didn’t do Black Friday sales. I haven’t shopped for anything. I haven’t done anything. I just really tried to like, take time to invest in myself, I went to the dentist, I went to the doctor, you know, I just did the things that I needed to do. I also call my therapist to start going back because I really want to prepare for the new year. And so if you are listening, not only, you know, should you make a doctor’s appointment for a male in your life that you love, also make one for yourself if you have it this year. Check in with your therapist, check in with your feelings. Check in with the people that you love that you haven’t heard from this week. You know, losing my friend, it really made me kind of look at the friendships that I have in my life that I have kind of like thrown by the wayside. And the people that I just kind of have I love but I just kind of haven’t had a chance to reach out to like this dude was be loved. Everybody in the community loves him. He would do anything for anybody. All I kept thinking was damn like what’s gonna happen now that he’s gone like who’s gonna take care of his kids? And like, was this preventable? Like that’s all I keep thinking is was this shit preventable if he would have gone to the doctor sooner if he would have taken care of his health sooner and so just a trauma of being left behind is is really is something that I talked about with my girlfriends. It’s not it was something that I talk about therapy. But it is something that I think about a lot maybe because my father passed away maybe because my partner was like, going through something a while ago like, you know, health wise, but like I said, He’s really honest shit.


when it’s all about now, so I’m

really wanted to talk about ego today and ego defenses. What a segue. Hmm.

So one of my favorite things to learn

in school was ego defense. We’ve all heard the term defense mechanism, right? And usually, we don’t talk a lot of psychological ramblings on this show. But I really felt like this is a good topic to talk about, especially this time of year, we’re all going home. for the holidays, we’re gonna have to deal with people that we really don’t really normally like to deal with people who get them in our ever loving nose because they can. And a lot of our responses to them really have a lot to do with the ego. Okay, so we’re gonna talk about Sigmund Freud for a moment and he’s not my favorite scholar, for a lot of reasons, but I’m the only real psychological theory that I liked it that he talked about was the ego defenses. Because they really made sense right? So we’ve all heard the term defense mechanisms I may be rambling a little bit but your mind and so the ego is the aspects of personality that deals with reality. While doing this, the ego also has to cope with the conflicting demands of the end. And our friend the super ego, okay, so the aid is the part of the personality that seeks to fulfill all wants, needs and impulses. So are it is that reptilian it’s like a kid. It’s like the child inside of us. Right? And the super ego with hosen lives. Maybe I only heard it. Okay, that’s fine. Don’t mind me. I know I get I can hear it. You guys can hear it. I think it’s something in the house. But anyway, the super ego tries to get the ego to act in an idealistic immoral manner. So our super ego is our is like let’s say the super ego is the angel on our shoulder shoulder and the aid is the devil.


The super ego is the part of the personality made up of all the internalized moral values we acquire from our parents, family members religious influence society, of macro and micro parts of our communities, right. And so it’s all of these these external ideas of what we are supposed to be doing in society is the super ego. So the super ego is kind of like our emotional police, right? And it’s that moral metric against which we look at stuff and be like, is

this right or is this wrong now?

I think for for me, I have a pretty big ego

All right,

y’all know that song? I have a pretty big super ego, not a big ego, right? So for me, I really hate to like lie. I don’t like to cheat. And so it sucks because growing up in Bed Stuy, like I’m really good at it. I’m really good at like lying, telling stories and like scamming after scam with the best of them. But I really, really, really, really hate it. And I think that’s because of my moral structure is kind of rigid. I’m a little bit of a prude when it comes to doing certain things, although I will support you and your free every day all day. Okay? And in order to deal with anxiety, Sigmund Freud believed that the ego defense mechanisms help shield the ego from the conflicts created by the aid, the super ego and what’s actually happening in reality,


So if These these conflicts cause anxiety and angst in us, right? So these these, these internal struggles that we have between what I really truly want a man need I see that guy over here. He, he finds out or what but he with my girlfriend, you know, do I go with girl code? Or do I just be like, Yo slip my number in his pocket when she got to the bathroom, right? I don’t know, I’m not judging if you would slip your number, but, I mean, that’s really what it what the difference is, so the aid would be like, yo, girl, you know, Fr destice, the baby mama, his girlfriend can’t claim that on your taxes. So that’s not a real not a real status. Don’t Don’t judge me because, you know, I just didn’t just pull that out of my hat. I’ve actually used that excuse before, not on myself, but you know what I mean? And so, you know, that’s what the age would say. But the super ego would be like, Girl, this girl called Girl code, okay. And so there are 10 key defense mechanisms. One is displacement and displacement is really where you will you have your frustrations and you take it out on something that has nothing to do with it. So let’s say if you have a bad day at work, I do this myself. displacement is one of my favorite defense mechanisms. I feel like but I feel like at this point in my life, I like warn everybody right? So if you know my monthly is coming, if I’m just not in a good mood is my feelings are all over the place. And if I know like, what the triggers are, I had a bad day at work. You know, somebody pissed me off. I let all of my family know Yo, today is not the day. And my favorite thing to say is Listen, you you may catch a stray. If you don’t, you don’t want this. You don’t you don’t want this bullet. It’s not intended for you. You better stand down Today call me tomorrow. Hit me up tomorrow. So displacement is usually when you take your feelings of frustration or impulses on the people, or objects that are less threatening or the person that it is not intended for denial denial is not a river in Egypt, how you’ve all heard of that denial is just kind of you know, not dealing with the facts of reality. So let me see I don’t have like a do an example of denial.

Your Man cheating on you?

You see him? It wasn’t me. Remember that rap song or that song?

Shout out to Shaggy.

You know, Shaggy? Nice a you caught us

when he said, You caught us having sex in the Oh, I don’t remember the word shell.

I don’t even know why I use that.

I know. I didn’t know the words. When I was said it, but anyway, if you catch a boyfriend doing something and you see him but he said it’s not you like that he’s gaslighting you but if you decide to believe it, then you just be in denial. If you believe Trump Trump said, Don’t believe what you hear believe what I say, which is crazy. Because how can I believe what you say if I heard you but you don’t want me to believe what I hear, okay? Trump voters are in denial. And I don’t feel like that needs any explanation.


denial can involve a flat out rejection of the existence of a fact of reality and I don’t really feel like nothing else needs to be said repression and suppression. Now, when I was learning this in school, I had a hard time knowing the difference. repression is when we have a thought, a feeling or emotion that we cannot remember. Why it’s so traumatic, it’s so harmful for us that we just don’t remember it anymore. We don’t remember the facts. We don’t remember the details. We don’t remember the circumstances, we just don’t remember because it’s so traumatic that our brain has protected us from that information. So playing a little lockbox little Pandora’s box, and we don’t even remember it. However, at any given time, if something that reminds us of whatever that thing is, comes up, then we would, we can access that memory and it’s usually at a time of trauma or it’s at a time where it’s not a convenient time to happen. suppression. suppression is when we have something that we know is so damaging that out we have recollection of what we can recall in our subconscious and our conscious mind, but We push it down.



repression is like if you’re on the beach and you are using a metal detector and you find something that you didn’t know was there. So suppression is you taking that metal object and burying it yourself. Okay, so that’s the difference between those two. I know when you guys are like, why am I going through this but it’ll probably make sense at the end of this


sublimation is a defense mechanism that allows us to act out unacceptable impulses by converting these behaviors into more acceptable forms. For example,


sometimes want to punch people in the face. Can I can’t be alone in this. I know that I’m not alone in this. I had a PC yesterday. I went to see him and I swear, it’s like the worst fear of everybody who lives in New York, right? So I’m like, Oh, hey, why, you know, are you on a psychiatric unit? And he’s like, oh, a guy bumped into me and I’d be shut out of the train. And I was like, but you know, you can’t do that to people, right? And he was like, I know, but that’s how I felt. And I was like, Damn, I know you’re on the psych ward. But I have been here like, if you’ve ever lived in New York, and you’ve written the tray before, number one, you fear being attacked by a stranger just for no reason. But you also sometimes be like,

I could punch that guy in the face right now.

And so in order to not do those things, you might end up being Mike Tyson. Right? You may end up not being able to play mike tyson punch out on the train, but actually being a boxer in real life, That’s more of a that’s more of an unacceptable impulse that is converted into a so so so school society really lowered acceptable behavior. Okay, so that’s what sublimation is. projection. projection is what Trump does all the time. I can use Trump all the time. But projection is basically when you feel something about yourself and you projected on somebody else. I feel like people do use projection more than denial is a big one. I mean, I wouldn’t know about suppression and repression, right, because people wouldn’t talk about things that they’re repressing or suppressing. projection is definitely a huge one. And projection means that I feel something that I believe is so unacceptable to me that I accuse you of it. And so if your partner accuses you of cheating, but they are in fact cheating. Somebody who has trust issues usually is because they’re untrustworthy. And so your projection is just somebody is usually somebody taking their own unacceptable qualities and feelings and given them to you. You know, and I, I, I feel like I talk about projection a lot of my practice because a lot of times people come in with problems and thoughts and feelings and really what they’re saying about the other person or things that I know is true of them. But that they really don’t want to acknowledge, okay, this is my number one defense mechanism intellectualizing.

What do I say?

No, that’s not the right word. In that I said,

I write intellectualizing. That’s, that’s how you say it Sorry, guys. intellectualizing

So I can rationalize



This is my superpower.

And it’s a defense mechanism.

Instead of thinking of something emotionally that may be stressful to someone else, I can clinically think of it. So I can have a client who’s suicidal, I can have someone in my life who is going through a rough time. You know, even the way I think about my father’s death, I really just think of it like death is part of life. He, you know, lived his life a certain way. He lived his life the way he wanted to live it. His life is no longer. I’m okay. That’s so weird, right? It’s a weird way to think about it. Like I can definitely cut off all emotions kind of dissociate. My emotional state from the clinical things that I need to do so for me, intellectualizing is my superpower. It’s the only reason that I’m able to do this job easy is that it was easy because some days are really hard, but it’s the only reason that I’m able to do what I do, but it’s also it also makes me be able to be emotionally supportive to other people without like, completely falling apart. So I know this is this is my ego, defense. rationalization, we all do face rationalization This is basically making excuses for unacceptable behaviors, right? A lot

of people do this. I remember my

when I broke up with my son’s father in that room will be this girl went to dinner and it was my birthday too, which really pissed me off. And we were talking about like, relationship stuff and

she cannot quite

Understand why I didn’t want to be with my son’s dad anymore. And I was like, well, he doesn’t love me at all. Like, he doesn’t love me he’s not nice to me and she’s like, Yeah, but he got a good job and he doesn’t beat you and I was like it really me is the metrics by which happiness I how I judge happiness in a relationship. I don’t need that. Like that’s not a thing that I’m that I’m gonna stay for. Yeah, he was a good dude. Yes, he was a hard worker. Yeah. wasn’t enough for me actually wanted to be in love with somebody who love me back. And it was very simple. No love loss for me. Not in that situation. But yeah, like I think sometimes we just leave black women. in relationships. We make excuses for somebody not

pulling their weight.

I read a good article recently. was a good article was something online where somebody made the argument that a lot of abusive men have given birth to allowing lazy men to live. Whereas if you look at a guy you like, Oh, he’s at least not beating you, he’s not degrading you. He’s not cheating on you. He’s, you know, he’s just there. He’s not so bad. And I don’t know I don’t know if that’s the standard by which you need to be judging your relationships. Also, rationalization not only prevents anxiety, but it also protects self esteem and self concept. Okay. We can find you by success or failure. People tend to attribute achievement to their own qualities and skills while failures are blamed on other people or outside forces. So regression regression is I don’t even know if I can use that term. So I have a term for a lot of black men in New York City area and I call them second childhood dudes. Dudes isn’t the word that I use though. And because a lot of the guys that I know, I guess it would be like, like a midlife crisis, where, you know, classic TV version of a life crisis when a guy gets a fast car and he did, he puts a bunch of beige. He was the best butter Beijing is just for me and his, his hair.

And he just tries to like,

you know, look all young and stuff just because he’s trying to like get his old high school glory days back, I don’t know but requested is when somebody just kind of goes back to earlier. time this happens a lot with children and trauma let’s say if if there’s a child who has been abused as some sort of way or have dealt with some sort of trauma, they may be over the age where P The bed is no longer acceptable, but they may find themselves wetting the bed again. And so that would be regression.

passive aggression is one I think we know what passive aggressive passive aggressive behaviors right? passive aggressive behaviors when you say one thing and a way


it’s not overtly aggressive, but you mean it. Tammy, I don’t want to keep using the president. Shoot. I don’t know if you guys see that. The Michael Callie unfi, where Trump instead of saying that he wanted you to do something, I’m sorry, I watched a lot of political TV. So part of me

instead of saying you want

him to do something, he wants you to do something, he would just suggest that it’s a good thing that needs to be done and you’re just supposed to get get to it just like somebody pressing you without pressing you. And in the whole week, I call it picking my mouth, right? So someone will try to say something to you that would elicit the response that they want from you. But without actually overtly telling you, I’m aggressive, aggressive. It’s not a passive about me.

Let me see.

Okay, I have a good example. So recently, I had asked my partner about something that I wanted him to do, and there’s something going on with a friend and I had asked him something about the situation and His response to me was, well do you really want to get involved in that that was very passive aggressive because what he really meant to say to me was data out of that.

So the 10th and final

defense mechanism that people use is called reaction formation. And I’m going to read this because I, I never really got what this whole thing is, but reaction formation reduces anxiety by taking up the opposite feeling impulse or behavior. And example of reaction formation would be treating someone you strongly dislike in an excessively friendly manner in order to hide your true feelings. Okay, so that’s being fake. I do have a hard time, I guess because we actually information is never nothing that I’m gonna do. I’m never going to be overly aggressive, overly nice to somebody who doesn’t like me. This is not my way. So Why are we talking about ego defenses today? Um, you know what? I feel like ego is all around me today I feel like my superpower is like acknowledging when people are reacting from ego, maybe ego defenses or just like straight up out of acting from the end. I think really we think about somebody acting as acting out of ego

as like,

you know, cocky or self assured or self advocating or being able to stand up for themselves, but that’s not really what it is. When I think of ego defenses or someone who is acting out of ego, I really kind of see it from either a place where they want a level of respect that they don’t believe that the world is giving So they act like assholes to get it. Or, or there you can see this security showing like a flip. Right? So I will quickly be like, Oh, I see a flip showing, because I know exactly. When I see ego arising and someone when they are putting themselves in a position or a place to be validated in a way that they don’t need the word validate them. an ego will allow you, I’m using the word ego as it interchangeable here. And I think when you think of ego defenses, shout out to all of our MSW studio students and like social work, mental health professional psych students that are listening to me this is just a recap for you guys. We learned it if you haven’t, whatever, but I I use the ego and the ID interchangeably. Because I see a lot of people lately acting from their ego. And it’s almost like I see I see ghost. A lot of people want acknowledgement from other people. Part of me, and I probably won’t edit that out because I ain’t got time. But a lot of people are acting from a space where they want to be acknowledged from friends, from the family, from people, they want to be respected in a way that they don’t feel like the other person is given them but in a way that they probably feel like they deserve. And if this is you, I think the decision that you need to make is, is this a relationship that I really want to be in.

And why do I want this validation so much.

Like I told you guys a recent story about the argument that I had with the black supervisor you know me I’m using an air quotes even though she’s actually a supervisor, but whatever, nobody supervisors me nowhere, but you know, the manager at the consulting job that I do and because she was just like, I have the same degree as you, I you know, you guys don’t respect me as a supervisor, I’m like, calm down check. Like maybe I missed the memo. I’ve never I’ve met you once. saw your role, like, what is all it is, why do you need my validation from you? You’re never gonna see me again. I’m never gonna come to the Christmas party. I may quit this job. So like, Why do you care what I think about you. And what makes you take that you’re better than my assistant or the office assistant. So anybody else like what makes you think that if you were the president of a company, I would talk to you in Different than I’m talking to you right now.

A lot of us are expecting people to respect us in a way that if we just respect ourselves, we don’t need their validation. You don’t need to buy your co sign for you. You don’t need a guarantor, your credit is good. You aren’t those credentials. Like why you need somebody else to validate you. I never understood why she felt the need to be like, Oh, I heard the same degree as you. So I don’t even know if my sister has a degree. How she got a high school diploma, but she may have a DD she may not even have that. Okay. I’m not gonna disrespect her. My work can’t be done. If she don’t hold me down. I respect the fuck out.

Do you think I should treat you any better than I treat the person that I actually knew At this job, cuz I really need her I don’t even know what you do. And I say that because if I will say that this she would really feel like I’m disrespectful to her, but I was I treat everybody with the same level of respect. Why would I not?

A lot of us are looking for credit from somebody who Ain’t Got it.

None of us are looking for credit for people who got bad credit.

That’s the word.

So as you guys are going back to your hometown, and going back to see around your family, and going back to these people that you want to validate you and he want to get an Attaboy and you want to get a good job, and you want to get somebody that’s gonna give you credit for all of your hard work event investment and looking good and stay snatched and keep your hair done. Going to school and keeping your high GPA and getting good credit and buying your first car and buying your first home and taking care of your job business cycle grow as one big ass man, whoever ask yourself is what I’ve done good enough for me as what I’ve done good enough for God. I mean, you know, not to be religious, but I’m religious.

And let that be good enough.

Stop reacting from the ego.

And recently, I’m in this group and I have a girlfriend and I know she’s very introspective. And she she’s, she does good this woman in the group was like saying stuff about the group and she’s she does the girl the one person does it feel welcome. And then we had a whole conversation back and forth and I felt her and I was like this She said several times she don’t feel welcome in this group. And the whole girl who’s usually like laser focus, and introspective and very supportive, she usually be like, Oh, if you don’t feel welcome, whatever. But the girls, like you’re also welcome in this group, and this is how I feel. And this is how I feel about the group and she did make a bleak blanket statement on the group. But then my friend just went and she was like, all she caught she said this about my group. She called me and she said, it’s about the group. She said, it’s about me, and I’m like, she didn’t call your name.

to recall your name.

I don’t, I don’t feel like what she said is about everybody. I know she’s a general term, but she can’t be talking about me. She’s definitely

not talking about you.

But it was just like it’s my group and It’s itchy it. I built this Good it’s me and I was like that ego says come on as an ego she not disrespecting your group she’s saying that she don’t feel welcome. And if somebody don’t feel welcome in my house, I might have to sweep around my front door. I might have to look internally within I might have to ask, did ask put out a welcome back for that for that person? Or do I even want them there? Maybe she don’t feel welcome. And that’s by design. But let’s be honest about things and not net not respond from ego. Let’s look introspectively and respond in love and respond to truth if that’s what you need. If you don’t need to be loving and truthful, do you too. But let’s be honest about what we’re feeling and how we’re operating the space that we’re coming from, because that’s the only thing that we can do at this holiday season. So as you’re going home,

you’re down

and we’re going office parties and we’re hanging around people that we don’t really need to hang around and we go to our offices to borrow and we serve the community and do the jobs that we have to do if somebody says something to you in a way that you might respond to


Mowgli and show your behind ask yourself am I responding from a space

of ego

like if this is what my response going to be helpful is my ego talking because if it’s only your ego talking, and I’m not I’m not gonna lie. I’m very good and see ego and others my my goal is to work on see the ego and myself. I feel like I had an ego.

an ego moment to sit in this evening I will say

my son went out and he was going somewhere. He just walked out of the door and I literally got up and walked out the door behind him was like you’re not gonna say bye. He’s like I said by three times. Now I don’t believe he said by three times this is my ego but I don’t care. You don’t just walk out of my house and I speak

and if I heard you I would always acknowledge you.

Is after like, I respect I call my son sir. When I speak to him, sometimes I call him other things sometimes, but I call him sir I try to be very respectful when I speak to him I call him Mr. When I say his name, like my care, respect me enough to speak to me when you add to my house, when you leave my house assessing the least you could do you don’t pay no bills. That was my ego. But I’m okay with that. I’m perfectly okay with that. But as you guys are moving through this week, please be mindful The ego defenses that kick in with somebody is coming for you your neck and you feel like you’re being disrespected or you feel like your self esteem and your self worth worth is on the line and somebody is not giving you the credit that you deserve in life like be mindful of how you’re moving through the world emotionally throughout this week. Okay. Also, I asked you what would you do so we have a few more weeks up three more weeks, so the end of the year, and I really wanted to do a keep saying social media episode, but that’s not what it is a reality TV show episode. And so I can’t remember what the shows were. I know one was married to medicine. One was Real Housewives of Atlanta. I think one was

not loving hip hop. They don’t really watch love and hip hop.

Maybe it was loving hip hop.

La. We can definitely do it. I love hip hop likes. I love talking about little fields and whatever. I know it was five loving marriage Huntsville and the last show was ready to love. I don’t think it was loving hip hop LA. Although we can talk about that. I think it was back a crew New York.


want to get that show in before the end of the year. I was supposed to ask you guys if would show you what to choose. on social media. I didn’t ask you which show you were going to choose

on social media.

I will ask you which show you want to choose on social media this week because I’ll be back on social media this week. Okay, so those are the shows. Tommy would show you want me to do a show on and I definitely wanted to do married to medicine it because Jackie was asking about okay. Shout out to our listeners from the United States, Canada, UK, South Africa. I’ll be coming to see you soon South Africa, France, Germany, Kenya, Sierra Leone, Jamaica and Kuwait. Okay, those are our top 10 countries. We are now International. There are a lot more countries I don’t even speak some of these languages to be honest with you. A Ghana Zimbabwe Turkey, Austria, Belgium. Rwanda. Oh sure. I’ll tell you is through Chile, Colombia, Japan, Senegal. We international now guys so thank you folks for listening and supporting us if you want to support our toy drive it ends on the 20th I believe the date is and so if you want to support our toy drive, please go to Target com registry and type in my first and last name Nikita and i k ita banks and buy toy for our domestic violence shelter okay oh whatever toys are not bought I’m gonna buy myself so save me some money at school but it is Christmas for a kid in the domestic shelter domestic violence shelter here in Brooklyn.

Okay be well

thank you guys are listening to another episode of black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss em s ni k i think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and ik it a bank calm and on the show’s website laugh therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for gap ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

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