Generational curse, Historical trauma, transgenerational trauma, or family cycle of trauma. We know what it is rarely know how to break the cycle! Many of us know what it is but most of us don’t know how to break the cycle!
On this episode we discuss trans-generational/Intergenerational trauma. What it is, how we identify it and how we can fix it, for good.
I am Brooklyn based psychotherapist Nikita Banks and I am your host of The Black therapist podcast the black therapist podcast the podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face when dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. If you would like to reach out to us for feedback or show suggestions show topics please feel free to contact us at blackberry podcast at gmail. com. You can listen to new or past episodes on SoundCloud, Apple podcast Stitcher, Spotify, YouTube, I Heart Radio and Google Play. If you are having trouble listening to us on your preferred platform, or if you want us to be on a platform that we’re not currently on, make sure that you send us a private message on our Instagram page at Black therapist podcast or you can just drop us a message or send us an email at back therapists podcast com if you want insider tips, resources and access to our free mental health course make sure that you text get happy to 66866 and my new book, finding
Happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is available right now on Amazon, go to our website or go to our Instagram pages and click the link and purchase because we want to help you get your relationships together for 2018. And beyond these Be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go. Hey. So
it’s been a long three weeks.
I’m so glad that we’ve survived February and now we’re in a brand new month for those of you guys listening to this in 2019 in the beginning when the show first first airs, but
No, it’s just
been feeling kind of drag ish. And not drag queens, which I will probably feel this weekend, because I have to dress up and go places, but I pinch bragging emotionally
for the last few days, and I wish I knew I couldn’t put my finger on.
why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling.
I know I’m not depressed. So that’s a great thing. I do believe that I’m a bit overwhelmed. I have so much going on within the next couple of weeks. I don’t know if I told you guys, I think I told you last week I was nominated for an award for the Congressional Research Institute for Social Work policy. I think I actually said that right this time. And so the United States Congress has a Institute for Social Work policy.
And I was nominated for an award. So we go and do the advocating for Social Work policies this month. Have some parties and events that I’m supposed to do again this month I have, you know, launching the course that closes the coupon code has expired.
But the course has launched and is ready to go.
So that that’s happened this month. I’m developing another course launching the online store where our new t shirt t shirts are
raising to prepare for my son’s graduation. from college. I just have like so much going on. That I was like, I need to go back to therapy. So I think I told you don’t follow me on social media then you know that I kind of go live every week before I go to therapy. And this week actually had to go twice because he he double booked
Which he was extremely apologetic about. But as a therapist who is kind of been absent minded, I’m like, Yo, I got it. Like I’ve done that before my myself. So I just I don’t know, I just feel the
and there’s no other way to describe it.
And so going into today to do this show, I’ve like been dragging and dragging all day. And
I know that
this has to be
a part of my self care to just be able to kind of sit and be still and relax. But I think that the guilt comes in when you have so much that you want to do and so much that you want to get accomplished so much that you think you need to do right now. now now now now, that just being still is doesn’t feel like the best option. I had to just
Today and be still. And so it was really difficult for me to get this show done.
Today, while we’re here, because I’m committed, I’m committed to my own healing. I’m committed to being honest about my feelings. And I’m committed to you guys. So I told you for the last few weeks we’ve been doing our Thursday lives on black therapist podcast Instagram page, and I’m going to forget what we talked about over the last three weeks. This week we talked about detoxify detoxifying, toxic relationships.
What do we talk about last week?
ah, I found it. Last week. We talked about
an hour. Find it. Last week, we talked about
back Why can I find myth? Five personality types to avoid for love connection is what we talked about
or the week before last.
This past week we talked about how to renegotiate roles and toxic families and detoxifying your family relationships. And this week is generational curses. So on March 7, which is Thursday at 2pm I’ve been doing them at three but I have to do it at two this week because I have a training at work and I cannot get out of it. And I got to go all the way to Manhattan to do it. Which means that by the time you guys speak to me I will be on public transportation Lord, please pray for me because I hate public transportation but I’ll be on public transportation going into Manhattan by three o’clock so I will have to go earlier
because the other only other alternative is would be for me to go to the city of
You’re at two o’clock and then find a Starbucks at three to go live to be in my office in it, and it’s just too much. And then I don’t know who in my
This is this is my consulting work, not my private practice. I don’t know who knows what I do.
In terms of like my podcast. I know some of them know. But I don’t make a big deal out about it.
For the other clinicians that I do, because I think there’s a lot of comparison, I think a lot of times we see what other people are doing in the field, and we like dating, why am I doing that? Why am I doing this or someone’s always doing this, I need to be doing that and it becomes. I noticed that that comparison this weekend, just to be honest, has probably
contributed to my mood.
Because I’ve been online, I’ve been scrolling
Just kind of seeing what other people are doing and what other people are into. And it’s like dag, she even he don’t even have pain.
So I gotta keep my eyes on my own paper and I’ve been pretty good about doing that a little bit this week keeping
my posting on social media to a minimum I’ve decided for one week to only reply to people who
post on my page. So if I share stuff on my my Facebook page, but I won’t comment on other people’s posts. And if I comment, I have to keep it under like to
two words are very minimum Zach, maybe use emoji but but not keep going back and forth for find it. You know, arguing with strangers, and people that I believe don’t give a shit about in real life.
is really starting to wear on
my psyche a little bit and taking the focus off of things that I need to be doing. Like important stuff. I’m limiting the amount of times I’m able to look at social media, Instagram, I try to be
responsive on Instagram because I have a lot more I’ll say stands in quotes because whatever followers on Instagram and I want to be responsive to people who hit me up on Instagram, so I try to like check it last but on the days that I’m in my office, if I’m with clients, if I have patients if I’m on the hospital, I just don’t have my phone period, which is good. I don’t you know, as a therapist, you don’t have that type of job where you are into other people like that. Like you’re not like I can’t be sitting on my phone on Facebook while people are crying and telling me about their trauma, taxes.
I’m so yeah I’m but I’ve been limiting what I’ve been looking at. So there’s that
whole chance generational trauma so so yeah, you know today’s show was supposed to be talking about interracial, interracial. That’s not what I’m
on today’s show we’re talking about breaking generational curses, right? aka transgenerational trauma aka the sins of the Father, right aka we gotta deal with our family shit, right? And so
I feel like I talked about this a lot on the show as well. And I’m not really sure what more I can add to the conversation but just to let you guys know so generational curses if you don’t know what they are
pattern of being it could be a pattern of behavior. It could be thought thought processes, it could be cultural identifying markers. It could be
personality development and traits and behaviors that we inherited from our family of origin.
And so, it can also be biological markers in our DNA, which direct and guide our
ability to respond to certain stimuli like
things that we are predisposed to in terms of anxiety, depression, for example, I believe that black people in this country are more predisposed to anxiety. Then, whites. Now this is not like a
Scientific, historical fact. Right? But the fact that most black people live in environments where their safety is always a concern, it would stand to reason that they would be more anxious.
right because poverty, crime, neglect,
drugs, racial violence, housing insecurity, food insecurity, dirty water, lead, paint, all these things contribute to us not feeling safe, police violence. All of these things contribute to us not being safe, right. And even in this political climate. I would like to believe that I don’t have to believe I know for a fact that there’s more Nx, racially then there has been
In recent years, I would like to say in the past 20 years since like
and I know that that was 20 over 20 years ago but I’m saying probably about the last 20 years that this this it’s been calmer racially than it’s been in a long time in this country that was the last time that we had race riots outside of New York in the 90s we also had that as well between the Jews and the blacks but that was a little bit different. So
and I said the Jews and the blacks pardon me Latina was people and black people. If anybody remember the the incident with Kato
in Brooklyn now I want to get into it right now. Just cool. So yeah, that That said, there are a lot of studies about
the effects the heart
Because half the changes that the Holocaust itself had on the DNA of survivors and their, their children, and how they were able to react to certain stimuli. But of course, there was never any research done on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because if they defined it, and they found that there was a cause and effect to slavery that was negative, then they would owe us money. And they’re never going to do that. So we know that the research in the black community in terms of integrate intergenerational trauma I don’t know why I can’t say this word today. What transgenerational trauma
is an issue because number one, there’s no funding for our research underutilized.
Number two, there are not a lot of researchers who have been
Who wants to do this work? I don’t think it will be lucrative in number three, there’s not a lot of academic pull towards proving that black people have been damaged historically because of slavery and because of the effects of racial injustice in this country and not just because black people are lazy
which is clearly it goes against that the narrative that we are lazy so there’s that I’m
it’s weird because my my cousin called me today and my cousin is my grandmother’s baby sister’s son. And not my family don’t know nothing about first second, third cousin, fourth cousins, my cousin, my cousin, cousin. And so he called me today to ask me about
depression and depression symptoms and what the difference
is so I explained to him what they were. And then we started talking about family stuff.
And I was, you know, pretty frank with him, that I believe that our family is predisposed on my mother’s side. We’re predisposed to certain personality types.
But because I’m a nosy person in my family first of all, if you want to solve and resolve intergenerational curses, you want to break the cycle and make sure that this whatever the curse is in your family Ends with You, you have to be able to identify what the curses are. So I don’t really like the term curse, because cars makes it seem like it’s something that happens to your family. It’s very
very salesy. Whereas it’s something that happens to your family and is nothing that you can do to like break it. But you know, transgenerational trauma just seems so
seemed so technical.
But yeah, my cousin was speaking to me about that. And
you have to be able to identify, I feel like I’m babbling, you guys. You have to be able to identify what the patterns are a new family. And so
in my family, I was able to recognize that
in the generations above us,
the kids were not all
My mother’s generation and in my grandmother’s generations, the children were not always together clearly above my grandmother’s generation, they will also not raise together because of slavery and those kinds of things.
There was a lot of moving around.
There are a lot of secrets in our family.
We don’t acknowledge,
There’s a lot of emotion suppressants in the family whether it is that we feel emotions and we don’t identify them we feel emotions or we don’t acknowledge them. We feel emotions and we don’t discuss them. Or we take a substance or something to suppress the emotions that make us uncomfortable revenue dealing with the emotions and our emotions are an antenna they are supposed to their God given gifts to help us identify that a situation or a stimulus, something somebody around us is making us uncomfortable.
They are to help move us from whatever we are facing to wherever we need to be to get back to emotional equilibrium, which is to just feel normal or to feel happy or to feel safe.
Right. And a lot of times if you’re suppressing your emotions, you are unable to do that. So my family has a lot of avoidant personalities in it. My family has a lot of skis, white personalities, and I told I think I did this before, so it’s good boy skis, Lloyd skips white personalities and it
there’s probably more rampant narcissism, then there needs to be there’s a lot of emotional detachment. In in the, the family.
Um, siblings don’t speak to each other. That’s rampant, rampant, rampant, rampant. There are
too many lies and secrets that everybody knows. So they’re not really secrets, and people that knowledge, but we’re not allowed to talk about so that’s, that’s the thing.
And if it makes you uncomfortable we just don’t we just don’t deal with it
tweens his don’t deal with it. And so
those are the the outward like behavioral generational things that happened in my family and I think my mother is pretty much broken some of that right she raised us together my aunts always their children together, unlike my grandmother. So there was that.
But in terms of like moving the bar, taking care of each other emotionally investing in our
mental development, or emotional development, there’s not a lot of that
in any generation, probably button mine
and I’m like a unicorn in my office.
Family I just do things differently. But I’ve always had a
higher level of awareness when it came to like behaviors and like thing I’m always kind of been No, no. nosy.
I don’t know why nervous was coming out. But I wouldn’t have always been no nosy. And I’ve always been
intellectually curious about why things were the way they were.
yeah, my mother says I’m a little bossy to the point of interrogation that she think I should have an attorney but they’ll sets. So yeah, those are things that I’ve identified in my family. So the first step that you have to do is identify what the patterns are.
The second thing you need to do is ask questions. A lot of the mysteries of my family were saw when I had access to my grandmother’s baby sister
Thank God for Facebook, because my mother was the gatekeeper. My grandmother died when I was six. And if I had to ask my mother for my phone number, I’d never get it.
Once my older, I passed away who was kind of like a surrogate grandmother to me and the rest of the family, when she passed away, like all access to other people who could have given me the information that I was looking for, didn’t exist and my mother is the kind of person that’s like, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And don’t go looking for nothing.
And so I needed answers to why things were as they were in the family and how do we we at least unravel it or fix it. And she was like, you just you you just like to stir up trouble.
So but sometimes, she was interested in what I had to say and what I came back to, to you know, talking about the most of the time it was just like, that’s all
stuff, it’s buried. Let’s just leave it there. And so I was able to kind of piece together certain things in the family that allowed me to be like, you know what we are predisposed to these types of behaviors. You have to be on the lookout when when such and such happens. So I was able to kind of create a list or rules of engagement for my own family on how I could resolve some of those issues.
Some things can’t be resolved. This is traumatic and
happens in multiple generations like sex abuse, that kind of thing.
I hate to say that it can’t be resolved. But it just seems like it’s so insurmountable. The numbers are such that
it’s really difficult to kind of completely resolved or we eradicate that situation. But if sex abuse
occurring within families, that’s a secret that we can no longer keep. That’s a secret that we definitely have to discuss and talk about, so that we’re able to kind of stop that from happening from the next generation because that that happens.
And I was watching Ayana Van Zandt fix my life this weekend, and she had a family of children who were abused, and they were jealous of this one sibling that didn’t live with them because they were all they all grew up in foster care. And she, she didn’t escape it either. You know, she was also abused. Her mother was abused, she was abused. Her, all of her siblings were abused, and they were in different households and in different environments. And so, I don’t know I kind of feel like there’s a piece of your soul that becomes missing when you on the parents
who has been abused and then you have children who marinate in the womb.
and that becomes an issue. Another thing about transgenerational trauma and why it’s so important to kind of do the investigative work is because I saw this story on Instagram and I don’t know what I did it or who even posted it but I thought it was a good story where she told a story about a ham
and she said every Christmas she may I say Christmas that this is my rendition of how I remember the story. So if you posted the story, shout out to you. I’m going to probably butcher it but remember the gist of the story. So she said I’ll be Christmas her family made a ham. And every year they cut off about two inches from the the hand. So they will buy they buy maybe a 10 pound ham and cut it down to like maybe, you know, eight pounds they cut off two pounds and and keep it that way and then they would wrap it up in the oven and they will put it in a generation after generation after generation. The
That is so one one Christmas, she decided that she would ask her mother why she did that? And my mother said, I don’t know.
That’s how I learned to do it from my mother. So then she went and she asked her grandmother why she did it. And she was like, I don’t know.
I learned to do that from my grandmother.
And then she was like, I really want to know. So she went to her great, great grandmother. And she asked her grandmother, why she did it. And she said, Well, I don’t know.
I’m not really sure. I learned how to do that from my grandmother when she finally went to her great, great, great grandmother. I guess she picked her up the grave, whatever. Um, and the great grandmother said, Well, the reason that we did it was because back in the days, there was a potbelly stove and the stove can only fit in a two pound ham.
So originally, it started for really rational reason. But
continued for four generations for an irrational reason without question, and for a lot of us that’s what happens at our families. We just do what we seen done. And we never think to question it we never think to stop. Today I still use Colgate
toothpaste online I use class is a class only know what it looks like when I leave the class. I use class class to famous cut my mother used class. I only use time because my mother used Todd I don’t need to know why. I couldn’t because I mean I’m old enough smart enough that I could choose a different brand and sometimes it was something else is on sale. I may use it, but it don’t feel the same. Like our our
olfactory stimulation, the smell, touch, taste, sound a lot of things that we do that carries memory songs we used to hear everybody under the sound of my voice. I’m pretty sure if you heard before.
Let go by Frankie Beverly you thinking about your grandma. If you thinking about UE, I always loved my mama, she’s my favorite girl, you thinking about your parents, for my generation or my son’s generation, if he idea Mama, he will think about me. Like there are a lot of things that we do that that just has no real basis in anything except for tradition. And so some of these generational traumas that we have that we repeat on the other generation, it has nothing to do but just nostalgia. And a lot of us are doing what feels familiar, even if it doesn’t feel good.
And so it’s identifying what those behaviors are, that we want to keep from our family and those that we we can throw away and like we negotiate
in my own family of origin.
The problem comes when there is a change
and leadership like mama P and my family was it you know what I mean? Like my grandmother passed away. The torch was carried on by you know my Priscilla is skipped over one of my arts so she was a little mad opposite the past the way it was supposed to go down to somebody else mother didn’t want the torch. It was supposed to go down to someone else and she didn’t get it. So it was kind of like getting that that respect in families. And now that it all falls on my generation, I definitely don’t want that responsibility in the greater family. We all know who got that if you’re in my family Banks is you know, who who to, you know, HPC is but
it’s House of like on my side with my my nieces and my nephews. I’ve also told them that you know what, if you don’t like the way things are, for gatherings for holidays, traditions or whatever, you can make your own traditions you
Make new traditions. And so, transgenerational trauma. Really what it is, is doing what you’ve seen done.
And not doing the work to identify what you can do to fix it not do doing the work to identify what needs to be changed, not doing the work. So find out why it happened. History repeats
in families, in countries in in time periods, what but history really truly repeats and all that is has has been.
And so if you start to look at the things that have happened in your family that has caused you emotional pain and distress, just know you’re not the only person in your family that’s gone through it.
I’m not sure if that makes you feel better or worse. But it could, it could at least allow you to say you know what this ends with me today. This stops with me today. And so if you’re listening to the show, I want to go a little bit more in depth.
on the podcast,
as I told you, I’m a little under the weather today. But
you know if you have any questions about transgenerational trauma and how to resolve them,
it really is best done with the help of a therapist, it really is best done with the help of a professional to help you identify what the things are in your life right now that aren’t working and identify the underlying issues and causes of them because it can be just intergenerational trauma, but it can also be you. It can also be something that you visited on yourself. It can also be something that you are doing right now. But the best part about this is that it is fixable because we can make other choices. We don’t have to choose to be like our mothers or fathers or our grandmothers and grandparents like we don’t have to choose. make that choice. There’s some things we just going to we’re going to inherit
It that we cannot fight. But there are some things that we can change behaviors can change, but we first have to identify what they are
and manifest your own destiny.
So if you have any more questions about this subject or anything else if you’re interested in buying a new t shirts,
the shop should be up.
feel like I’ve been saying that forever. But the site is black, their podcast shop, blacked out because podcast slash shop. You can follow us on social media but yeah, Thursday at 2pm and not 3pm. We are going to
we’re going to be doing the live show and there’s not going to be a show next week because I am traveling next Sunday. Like I said, it’s a super busy week.
For me use the app Thursday is my day off and I don’t even get that. So I don’t even know what I’m going to do.
about having a day off and doing my administrative work this week, but I’m going to have to budget some time somewhere else.
In my already busy schedule, y’all just pray for me hope and get through the week we are hyperventilating. But I’m, I’m thinking about replaying an old interview that I’ve done. And that’s the old it’s, it’s, it’s old to me, but new to you.
interview that I’ve done recently and putting it on the podcast so that you all have a show.
And then because I’m taking that week off, I’m not going to go live next Thursday, the following Thursday, unless I change my mind if I changed my mind. Look on my social media. And I will tell you, if you like these lives, let me know let me know what the next four weeks we could talk about in terms of relationships, and just hit me up and let me know what you want us to cover for the next four weeks on the lives. So we can
Get Started once again thank you for listening be well thank you guys for listening to another episode of black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss MSNIK I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and IKAITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for guest ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well