Having a narcissistic parent is hard. Black Therapist Podcast episode

Growing Up with a Narcissistic Parent

Having a family member who is mentally ill is hard. It effects the whole family. Having a parent who is mentally ill permeates every part of your life, and eventually your spouse or partner in the future.

On this episode of the Black Therapist Podcast your host psychotherapist Nikita Banks, LCSW discuss growing up the up the child or a narcissistic parent. Also on the pod: How to deal with problematic family members, the best way to diffuse and approach an argument and how to navigate problematic family relationships.

Transcript:

0:00
I am Brooklyn based psychotherapist Nikita Banks and I am your host of The Black therapist podcast the black therapist podcast the podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color faith when dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. If you would like to reach out to us for feedback or show suggestions show topics, please feel free to contact us at blackberry podcast at gmail. com. You can listen to new or past episodes on SoundCloud, Apple podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, YouTube, I Heart Radio and Google Play. If you are having trouble listening to us on your preferred platform, or if you want us to be on a platform that we’re not currently on, make sure that you send us a private message on our Instagram page at Black therapist podcast or you can just drop us a message or send us an email at back therapists podcast com if you want insider tips, resources and access to our free mental health course make sure that you text get happy to 66866 and my new book, finding

1:00
Happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is available right now on Amazon, go to our website or go to our Instagram pages and click the link and purchase because we want to help you get your relationships together for 2018 and beyond these Be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go back get started.

1:37
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of black therapist podcast. So um,

1:44
if you listen to last week’s episode, I have a little bit of a cold

1:51
I feel like it’s a cold now, because it was it’s

1:57
something that it was stepped on.

2:00
I’ve had issues with my tassel since childhood. my tonsils are still not 100%. So I should really be saving my voice. But I wanted to just jump on to say congratulations guys, you made it. You made it through the first of the

2:18
year in holiday kickoff season, which is Thanksgiving, right? So we made it through Thanksgiving with our families, or alone. We made it with our friends, hopefully, and loved ones. And we’ve done all the Black Friday shopping. And now it’s time to figure out what the hell the rest of our year looks like. So for me my office I’m planning

2:45
some year in things some goals setting for next year, some

2:53
actual life goal setting when it comes to when I say goal setting

3:00
me from my business in my life as well. So been been pretty much planning my first quarter.

3:07
And like I said, I find the few agreements for 28 for the 2018, the end of I signed some agreements in 2018 that will propel me for some business things that I have going on in 2019. So I’m really excited about all of the opportunities that are coming up around me, but

3:29
that adds to my stress.

3:33
And I don’t know where I was going with that, except for that it’s on my mind, and I haven’t been to therapy in a while. And so

3:41
yeah, I told you guys before I still sometimes suffer with imposter syndrome, where I feel like some of the good things that happen in my life are

3:54
I want to say not earned because I’ve earned every single thing I’ve gotten right now.

4:00
I work really, really hard. And I’ve had to overcome a lot of challenges in order to be where I am today. And

4:10
that’s not where I want to be like this is this is not as far as I want to go. So I know that I have to open myself up to believe that good things will happen to me and that I’m deserving of good things. I deserve good things, but it is still a struggle. Every day sometimes I still feel like someone is gonna see me as I’m faking. But no, like my therapist says sitting bullshit if you can back it up

4:38
emotionally if you got receive. So

4:43
now that I’ve done all the work that I’ve needed needed to do to get me to this point, it’s just like, holy crap. Next year is going to be a huge year for me and my family. And I just gotta buckle down and do the work. So it was on my mind, it is on my mind.

5:00
nervous and excited, but

5:03
you know,

5:05
gotta do it anyway, make that’s my model for this year, my model for 2018 was I’m not firing no warning shots.

5:15
Like, I’m just, I’m just pulling the trigger on whatever was on my mind. I’m empty and Eclipse like I’m not firing any warning shots in 2018 I’m not wanting anybody about their bad behaviors, not I’m not trying to convince anybody of something that they don’t feel or they they don’t believe I’m not trying to change anybody’s mind and or opinion on me or what it is that I’m doing or my worthiness or nothing. I’m going to see stuff for what it is. I’m going to make a decision on whether or not I want to engage in it, or what’s the best plan of attack if I decide to engage in it in a way that promotes my health and my happiness? And if it’s not

6:00
Not going to work in that situation that it’s in whether it’s a work situation, whether it’s a business situation, whether it’s a romantic situation, whether it’s a family situation, the social situation, if it ain’t working in that particular context, I’m moving myself removing myself from it.

6:23
Like my only

6:25
my only New Year’s resolution that I had in 2018, which is the end of 2018, and I’m still kind of struggling with it a little bit. is letting go.

6:39
Like, I think I said this before, I’m a I’m a hoarder. Definitely an emotional hoarder. I’m a people collector. Like I feel so deeply as being an empath, that I when I love you, I love you completely.

6:53
He doesn’t even have to make sense to me. It’s just like, this is my love. I’m giving it to you. I hope that you give it back

7:00
But if you don’t, I know I’ll get it from the universe. So I’m going to still give it to you anyway. And operating from that space a lot of time was very draining and emotionally exhausting. And I had to learn to just kind of be like, that’s good, but your love is valuable. And it’s this is good shit. You might not want to give it out. Like free lunch.

7:24
Like you might want to just hold back and it’s not as if I love a lot a whole lot of people. I’m super distracted as a baby in my hallway. And if you know what time I was recording this, you’d be concerned as I am.

7:39
I had a baby but I don’t even know what

7:41
a mandated reporter but not tonight. I hate a grown up okay.

7:48
Ya see, I’m still in mommy mode. So anyway, um,

7:53
so yeah, like

7:56
it’s made me start to think differently about how I really want to proceed.

8:00
With relationships, especially for 2019, and you know, I got the new relationship book, finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy. I’m really trying to be the doctor that takes his own medicine.

8:14
And so I probably should have read the book, again, just to kind of see where I am in some of my relationships, but I know like for the most part, my relationships are pretty good. I don’t really have a lot of stressors in my relationships and then there are those that I have to navigate that I just know you know, it is what it is. In the book, I talk about the three types of relationships there are which is

8:43
voluntary, involuntary and situational. And voluntary relationship is like a friend or boyfriend or something that you can kind of walk away from without any kind of legal attachments in value involuntary relationship.

9:00
Family

9:01
I we just get with the what we

9:04
mean just get what we get when it comes to family.

9:08
And so

9:11
and situational is like, you know, you got your work friend, you got to party friend, you got your friend that serves a purpose and a function in your life and usually you don’t use them. I say use gonna I don’t have any other term to use but you don’t use them in any other way. So someone asked me for

9:32
my advice on my Instagram, I figured that I would take the time today

9:39
to answer the question out loud

9:44
for you guys.

9:48
And it’s a multi layered question. I think I kind of answered it very briefly because he caught me on a day I was going to my doctor’s appointment. She’s letting me know that I was good.

10:00
That I’d be better

10:02
and that as okay.

10:04
I’m gonna be I’m recover. But in that conversation like, he asked me a really good questions I wanted to use that use this opportunity to answer it now.

10:17
Okay

10:20
so he asked me if I had any advice for dealing with narcissism or in laws specifically or narcissism from in laws. And I have, I have advice for both.

10:40
And then I asked him, you know, what were the specific challenges that he faces when it comes to his his in laws. And he says it’s hard to pinpoint. They’re just two faced, if not more faces. Wow. Why one on one, it’s fine, but once other people into the room, you can see that

11:00
Entire or change, then they start to talk to me like I’m not shit.

11:05
And it’s so weird. I’ve resulted in not interning any family functions, but it’s just too much for someone like me who has the power of some discernment.

11:15
And I asked them if the partner sees it and he said No, man, so he says he ends up looking like the irrational one. But at this point, I don’t care what I look like anymore peace above everything else.

11:29
And

11:32
but it has, so that’s a hard one when they don’t see it.

11:39
And then I asked if they had any video evidence, like if they’ve ever, like videotaped or anything is 2018 I thought it was a valid question to ask. And sometimes you know what I noticed.

11:51
Dr. Phil, like, I noticed that when Dr. Phil does like the house stuff, like he often plays it back to them is like, did you

12:00
Notice that this is what you were doing. This is what you do. And that the film had that like, Dr. Phil house and the guy young has done it. I mean, this is not therapy. So,

12:11
but it’s 2018. And we’re recording everything else. I haven’t figured out what to ask.

12:17
So I’m not suggesting that you record your in laws, but I asked him if he had ever done it.

12:23
And he said, Nobody thought about it all the time, but you can’t show someone something they don’t want to see.

12:31
And I no longer have my response because I sent videos or maybe I do.

12:37
I do not.

12:42
And basically, I just told him, you know that my relationship principles is health and happiness. So on narcissism, I think I told you guys before that my father has

12:53
had narcissistic personality disorder and I’m not sure if I told you why. So my father was 12

13:00
years old, he was the apple of my grandmother’s I she he looks a lot like her.

13:07
I was gonna say he looked more like car than my grandfather, but he doesn’t he doesn’t he do a lot of for features. But he was definitely my grandfather’s son

13:17
look wise. And so, when she was when he was 12 years old, she was murdered by her lover in front of him.

13:28
And I remember him telling me like what he was doing that day to how bad he felt

13:36
because he couldn’t save her.

13:39
Now, I don’t want to get into like the

13:42
statistics, I read several articles on narcissism and I hear from at least one of them, that narcissism usually happens and is formulated as a result of a trauma.

14:00
Okay, let me go back further. So my younger sister was dating this guy and the guy, she would tell me a lot of things about the guy and I was like, Damn, he sounds like dad, he sounds like daddy. And I know my father, probably better than any of my siblings. And because of that,

14:17
like, I can spot a dude that has his characteristics. And immediately I’m crossing the street. I’m crossing the street. I’m going up the block, I’m going up the road.

14:27
Trust me, I’m answering his question, but I’m taking the narcissism part first, and then I’ll get into the in law part after that. So

14:35
my sister was only about this guy. She was dating, and my sister is like, very intelligent. So she knew

14:43
that he was narcissistic.

14:47
But every time she would tell me a story, I’d be like, Oh, that’s awesome. CTCT stands short.

14:55
To It stands for my father’s initials.

15:00
So she doesn’t know my dad as well as I know him for whatever reason, their relationship is what it was.

15:08
But I would often identified her that damn that’s that’s something like your father would do like that’s not like your dad.

15:16
Um, I didn’t have the verbal language, verbal language. I don’t have the the technical language to say hey, that’s narcissistic behaviors. But at the time I was going to school and I came across the article about guys who are narcissistic, and

15:38
it paralleled situ did it paralleled the situation of the guy she was dating and my dad. And

15:50
I’ll explain that in a second. So I found an article as I was studying

15:57
to get my masters

16:01
Well, while I was in grad school, I found an article about the abandonment issues that can lead to

16:11
narcissism.

16:14
And part of that was being abandoned by their mother. Like if a child was abandoned by their mother, they were more likely to become narcissistic. And I guess the reasons are because you need to self so you need to be able to trust that your caregiver is actually going to provide for you. And this particular guy that she was dating with, like, his mother had like a drug habit. And he he, she didn’t raise him and he was in and out of she was in and out of his life. So became, like part of his emotional makeup to make himself feel like he was better than or build himself up as

17:00
This

17:02
extra Uber confident being by grandiose idea idealize the sense of self right? that nothing can knock him down. If my mother left me didn’t break me then nothing else is going to break me. So he had like an inflated sense of self worth. And because of it he will usually do things to cut my sister down. So my dad as I was like reading this article and reading it to her and like sharing what I’ve learned, it bought me a miser, my my dad so I was able to like bring parallels like, oh, wow, this is like daddy like that. He was it was abandoned by his mother to not because of drug habit, but because of death. And, you know, he hates himself because he can save when he was little, and there was nothing that he could do. So I started thinking about all of these things, but I’m like in school, not thinking about diagnosing my family. I’m not definitely on

18:00
Thinking about diagnosing my my sister’s boyfriend, although it was a discussion that we were having. And she was actively engaged and she was like, Yeah, he’s probably a narcissist. And she dated Um, anyway. So

18:15
I put this out of my mind. So it wasn’t until after I graduated, I was out of school, I got licensed. I’m at my dad’s house for the weekend, I was staying over there and he started bugging out. Like he was like doing like a lot of weird shit around the house.

18:36
And I didn’t know if he was on drugs because my father had a drug habit history, but I thought he was clean.

18:45
Or if he was having a psychological break.

18:50
And so I’m like, I’m trying to sleep and like me and my dog is over there. And we’re like, chillin watch TV or whatever. I’m like doze off to sleep. Now wake up a mic. My father is over me.

19:01
I’m like, Yo, this this is weird. Like, hi, what do you what do you what do you want?

19:08
But he doesn’t seem like he’s there. Like I didn’t know whether he was sleepwalking, or whether he was high like, I just I couldn’t. He was off to me. So I call my homeboy and I was like, Yo, this dude is like bugging. And his mom had a drug history at the time. So I’m like, I don’t even know. And he worked in recovery. So my I don’t even know what to do in this moment. Like, I don’t know if he’s getting high. I don’t know what’s going on. But like, he’s, he’s running around the house. He’s not sleeping. Nice bargain.

19:38
So

19:42
he told me to call the police to have my my dad

19:49
sent on like a 5050, which is like a involuntary commitment or hold so they can do like a psych eval.

19:57
And I was like, I don’t know if I’m going to do that. Because if he’s using

20:00
Drugs. He has every right to be using drugs. This is home. Like I’m gonna leave, I’m going to get myself and my dog and I’m gonna get out of here that he was like well at least have the cops escort you out like if you’re, you’re fearful and I wasn’t afraid of my dad but I just felt like he wasn’t in his right mind I could not tell what this thing was like I never seen him like this before. And I didn’t have a frame of reference but

20:26
immediately I thought it was drugs but now looking back on it like he he it might have been something a little bit more psychological

20:36
but I digress. So I see the cops are outside I flagged them down they walk me upstairs we go upstairs.

20:44
They they approached my father and he’s like completely fine.

20:49
Like straight mental status exam, knew what date it was knew where he was was confused why the police was there was confused that we me

21:01
Police laugh he went in his room and he went to sleep but now I can’t sleep. I’m like this. He’s crazy like, well, I don’t, I don’t feel comfortable. Maybe I should just get my stuff and go, but I was afraid that he wasn’t all there. I remember hiding the knives and, like, hiding hammers and stuff. I was like hiding shit everywhere.

21:24
So, I’m

21:28
I’m on the computer and I’m googling and I come across this article.

21:33
And the article is like something about narcissistic personality disorder and it explains

21:41
how

21:43
you can kind of get stuck

21:46
at the point of your trauma

21:49
and the trauma being so eventful that it fuses your psyche or fuses. Your personality

21:59
is

22:00
The time of the trauma and whatever it was that kept you going in the moments of the trauma is who you end up becoming.

22:11
And so my father is always kind of been like a 12 year old boy to me, like him and my son when he was my son was little, like, it was a lot of like playing games and like, it was really cool to have like a, an adult. That’s not like an adult because he wasn’t really like an adult. Like I would literally, Madeley, my son to watch him I would have to see what I said. If I left him to watch my son, I would literally leave my son to watch him. I was a Freudian slip.

22:40
So I would have to like tell my son Okay, well, here’s the cell phone. If you need to call me This is where I am. Like, I was kind of nervous, because I knew that my kid would have to be the adult.

22:54
So we had to stop the babysitting and

23:01
I remember reading that article and like weeping

23:05
and then going to my doctor for my physical

23:08
and

23:11
saying to her, I just found out my dad is a narcissist. And she was like Nikita, I’m so sorry.

23:19
And then saying to my therapist, like, What? Why didn’t you tell me that my father was a narcissist, and he was like, you’re licensed. I figured you would figure this out by now. And I was like, literally not diagnosing my family.

23:34
And then, I remember telling my black friends, like, yo, my father is narcissist, and I was like, I’m actually selfish.

23:45
That’s Jeff.

23:48
This is regular.

23:52
And I’m like, No, no, you don’t understand. Like there’s an actual diagnosis for this. There’s a label and a term

24:00
And a treatment plan for this level of like, dysfunction and chaos.

24:08
And so if you if you’ve never grown up with a narcissistic parent if you don’t know somebody in your life who’s narcissistic

24:18
actually, you are the child metaphorically of a narcissistic parent, because we have this president

24:29
this President is bad shit crazy textbook narcissist with a bunch of other shit.

24:38
And I know that people tell you you’re not supposed to diagnose the but I’m not diagnosing the president. I am looking at the things that he displays on a daily basis behaviors. And I’m looking at the DSM five

24:52
and I’m telling you

24:54
he’s a malignant narcissist and some other shit

25:00
Vast why energy wise we as a country we feel very anxious because when you grow up with a with a parent who’s a narcissist, you always feel anxious. You always feel anxious, and and and to be the object, the love object of a parent who is Narcissus like MV Ivanka of my family.

25:22
It ain’t no fun. I can tell you that to be the love object of a narcissistic parent. I don’t even

25:29
I can’t even say that. Why he

25:35
picked me make sense. But if he knew

25:42
that

25:44
I wrote a book and I talked about him he’d be happy as hell.

25:50
Like Abu not when my my article came out, in essence, he was the hub with the magazine but I didn’t see you where you talked about me at all.

26:02
paga wasn’t about you.

26:05
It wasn’t it wasn’t about you.

26:09
All of the things that my dad took pride in my the fact that my son was smart, and he went to one the best schools in Brooklyn, and that I went to NYU, and what are those letters behind your name like all of those things. Like I used to take pride at

26:26
him being proud of me, until I realized that he was only proud of me because me doing good things, glorified him.

26:37
And if I could do good things, he was good. So he was very into my appearance. He also commented on my sister’s appearance, he was very into who I dated and how I dated. He was very into my accomplishments

26:55
and helping me and weaselly his way into those things that I know on on a regular

27:00
Level like those things sound all sound wonderful and partially was

27:10
but I’m gonna tell you somewhere in there is going to be some dysfunctional shit that happens

27:16
like some somewhere deep some not even deep like on the surface in the middle of it did he did he’s gonna have some sort of bad behavioral outbursts that’s going to make it all about him

27:33
so that’s what having a narcissistic family member it is light

27:39
and to get back to the question if his in laws actually are narcissistic

27:47
Brian a shit you’re gonna be able to do about that.

27:51
narcissism is one of the hardest personality disorders to treat personality disorders period are hard to treat

27:59
to be honest

28:00
abuse

28:01
and narcissism more than anything is hard to treat because the usually people who are narcissistic are still able to function in society and be successful. For example, your president and and and narcissism is a spectrum. So

28:19
I have a lot of narcissistic tendencies growing up with my father. It’s just they’re not as dysfunctional as him. I’m not narcissistic, I can never make like, no one can make a DSM five case of me being a narcissist. But every single one of us human beings, we have narcissistic tendencies, which is selfish tendencies. Some of it is just just bare minimum self preservation. I’m a black woman in this in this world.

28:54
So I have to think that I’m good. I have to think that I’m best. I have to have even have an instant

29:00
sense of self worth and so value because society beats me down to every every turn, and makes me feel like I’m shit. So I have to kind of have an overly inflated

29:12
sense of Oh, you ain’t no bra when I show up on the scene. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t shine with other people. That doesn’t mean that I can’t give anybody else the credit that they’re doing. That doesn’t mean that I also have to at all times be the center of attention. I don’t need that.

29:33
You don’t see me anyway.

29:36
When I walk in the room,

29:38
when I’m quiet or not,

29:41
you will see me

29:44
because that’s just the type of presence I have. So I don’t have to overly sell anything or overly be loud or histrionic or go along with antics, and what it to be seen when I come into a room like it’s not necessary and I

30:00
I can be in relationship with others in a way that allows them to have their get their needs met and to lead with love and dignity as well.

30:12
That’s not easy to do when you have a narcissistic personality disorder.

30:19
If this woman has grown up in this family,

30:23
that means that she’s learned to navigate the family. That means that she’s learned to socialize in that world in a way that mitigates

30:36
the emotional impact on their behaviors.

30:43
And for some of us, that means that she may just flat out ignore it.

30:50
She may not have the capacity to see it.

30:56
Or she is not in a place where you can chat

31:00
inch her view of her family system.

31:06
It’s like an ecosystem.

31:09
When you mess one, one thing,

31:12
by the way, when when, when I’m the woolly mammoth dive, it screws up something else.

31:21
He looks to me like all these bees a diet is messing with something else. Like we, you don’t gotta be a scientist and know that but it’s literally like remember those Chinese puzzles that used to play the kid little squares and the little squares inside of them and it had a little ring take the ring out, and you gotta move it to make the picture. Like it’s literally like that mastering relationships

31:48
where you have to move one piece of the puzzle to make the puzzle

31:55
and it’s fragile.

31:58
And so if you think that you are brand new

32:00
boyfriend girl come into a situation like Amanda, she loves you come into situation and fix her family stuff.

32:08
Now, you can’t fight family.

32:13
So the thing that you have to do is you have to ask her when she is the subject and the victim of their bad behavior. You have to ask her

32:25
Are you happy with the way things are?

32:32
Like you got to get the person to the point where they realize that this is not

32:37
this is not working.

32:39
And I’m not happy.

32:44
I’m not I’m not happy. Because you can’t isolate people from their family. You can’t fight family.

32:51
You cannot fight family. No way, shape, form or fashion. You can’t You can’t fight you can’t fight your family to

33:00
genetics, you can’t fight your family psychology. You can’t fight your family history

33:07
you can fight with them

33:13
you ain’t gonna be able to fight to change them.

33:17
Family systems are as they are because they are impacted by intergenerational information.

33:27
Hello, these are not blank words that we use when we talk like this. Navigate family systems and I don’t know. Like I’ll just say I’m like I gotta use the technical terms because that we don’t even know that we’re doing this when we doing this.

33:42
My mother

33:46
This is things I know that I’m not gonna approach her

33:51
disease things I know I’m not gonna change your mind on the SP a lot of things I will say well that changed her mind or not. I will let her know when she’s not

34:00
meeting my needs I will let her know when she’s hurting my feelings I will let her know when I have a difference of opinion.

34:07
But there are certain certain certain lines I don’t cross with her I don’t curse we’re at with her when I speak to her because she doesn’t curse. Try to be respectful of, you know, some of the boundaries that she’s put in place. But I’m not no kid. I’m gonna say whatever I want to say. However, I want to say it but I know that some things that I’m going to say are going to fall on deaf ears. So do I really want to say it?

34:30
Because the truth of the matter is this when we get we deal with our families.

34:34
Our family has every single right to be who they are.

34:41
Whether they are nasty, whether they are mean, whether they are drug addicts, whether they are whores, whether they are flawed, whether they have personality disorders, or flaws, or steal or lie or murderers or cheaters or molesters. Yes, even though

35:00
They have every right to be who they are, and make whatever choices and decisions that they want to make.

35:10
Your only job is to decide if that stuff is anything you want to have in your your life.

35:19
If that shit is anything that you can put up with, and if the answer to that is how Nah, you got to find a way to disengage, and remove yourself from the situation. And I talk about all of this in the book, your work this a workbook so there are questions, so you can read it and etc. And you could figure out some of these things on your own. You could take the course and work directly with me. You could become a client, call my office that’s on y’all. But you know, relationships, especially with family, involuntary relationships, they are the hardest to navigate

35:58
because family has this

36:00
idea that you’re going to be there no matter what.

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No matter if you honor me, no matter if you meet my needs, no matter if you treat me right, no matter if you talk shit about me or talk about me behind my back or stab me in my back or steal from me.

36:17
I’m just supposed to be there no matter what.

36:20
And my idea of family, as family is supposed to be my safe haven is supposed to be where I run to, from all of the people in the world who are trying to do all of those bad things to me. My family is the place that I go. should be the place that I go to. I don’t have that kind of family yet.

36:42
But I’m working on it. I have those kind of friends.

36:47
I know I trust them with anything I know they won’t betray my mattress. They won’t betray my confidence.

36:54
And I have to worry about them doing me dirty. Robin me.

36:58
I can’t say the same about

37:00
My family members

37:03
I can’t say the same I can’t say that if money was involved.

37:08
They wouldn’t do something bad to me. I’m not saying England try to kill me or whatever, but I’m just saying like, I don’t I don’t trust them.

37:17
And I haven’t late. This isn’t when you see certain people move.

37:23
You gotta see up certain people move. You gotta move like you move. When you see them moving like they move. What the kids say matching energy. Now I’m not matching your energy. I’m repelling energy. I’m getting it the fuck out of here.

37:40
I don’t want to do with that.

37:43
Because life is too short.

37:45
And you harbor resentment, you harbor feelings, whatever. I don’t do any of that. So

37:52
my advice if you have a in law who is narcissistic and you cannot get your

38:00
your loved one to figure that out, or to find out the best way to navigate that or see what’s going on with that.

38:09
You have to decide on whether having this relationship and I don’t mean the romantic relationship, but having the relationship with the family is conducive to the two relationship principles that I have set for you. Yes, I’m setting your relationship principles, the two relationship principles that I’ve set for myself, which is health and happiness.

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If this doesn’t promote my happiness, and this does not promote my health, I can’t do it.

38:39
You ain’t gone change a lady’s mind about her family.

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And she probably ain’t gonna change our behavior, or how she deals with her family. Because it’s learned

38:53
behaviors.

38:56
Nobody could come in and tell me anything about my family. Not about my mom.

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Not about my sister, not about my brothers. Nobody, nobody can come and tell me anything about my family.

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Even if it’s true.

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I may listen to you and I know better. But even if it’s true, you may not be able to tell me nothing about my family that I haven’t acknowledged.

39:22
You can’t tell me nothing about how I deal with my family, not a one thing. You can’t tell me speak to somebody I don’t want to speak to. You can’t tell me not to speak to somebody I love. You can’t tell me nothing about anybody in my family, but any loved one that I have axed in that to my friends who can tell me nothing.

39:44
Even if what you’re telling me is right.

39:46
I here for it.

39:49
And that’s me and I’m open mind.

39:55
I’m open minded. But you can’t tell me how to navigate my beliefs.

40:00
ship that I’ve had my entire life You can’t tell me how to change that you can’t tell me anything about that is hot as hell.

40:11
But what you can do is set limits for yourself. What you can do is decide what you really want to engage in.

40:19
And you don’t gotta use big big language your mother’s not nice to me

40:26
Your mother doesn’t speak kind of me

40:31
Your father treats me badly

40:35
your father doesn’t respect me

40:40
I don’t have to be nothing major all your mother said this under there but nah.

40:46
Huh? Your mother’s a nice to me.

40:52
It hurts my feelings when your mother does.

40:56
Concrete statements. Don’t. Don’t talk about it.

41:00
Really don’t really like the feelings thing.

41:04
When I say the feelings thing when people you bring up an arguments like, Oh, I feel that that I die. I feel that you felt. Don’t tell me what I felt by telling me what you felt.

41:19
Let me know how your needs aren’t being met your mother was disrespectful to me.

41:24
You know, I felt disrespected when your mother said x y&z

41:30
like simple thing that the least words you use, the more people understand.

41:38
Sometimes you got to repeat it.

41:41
A major disagreement that I had with my oldest sister, when we didn’t speak for a number of years. She kept trying to tell me you other people said what other people say what other people say and I said well, you didn’t call your sister

41:54
Yeah, because I heard from someone someone so and so and I’m like, Yeah, but uniquely sister. Like my main problem, which was

42:00
You didn’t you never came to me.

42:04
XC can argue against that, because that was an actual factual that in all of the years that she had been letting these disagreements go on because she said this and he said that and that

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nobody didn’t call my phone you never caught my phone. I want

42:20
you to call my phone. Did you call my phone? You came to my house. You You You rolled up for me? Because you didn’t call you never call me?

42:29
Yeah, but I heard someone so but you didn’t call me.

42:34
Like it ended the conversation? Because No, you didn’t call me. I didn’t hear from you.

42:44
I saw you last summer. You didn’t say anything to me. Did you say anything to me? Oh, you didn’t say anything? Okay. Like sometimes you gotta you gotta use concrete statements.

42:56
Why I’m not messing with you because you slept with my man.

43:00
body I know he was your man but did you see where my man though?

43:04
Like, ain’t nobody sleep when nobody’s man but I’m just using that as an example like, either you did or you did in the truth is what it is. And speaking of that loving hip hop, I’m sorry.

43:14
Paris and came show you see how our divert

43:21
bike I don’t understand what the argument is about the whole situation because she did steal $50 $5 50 cent you stole it taking without permission is stealing is theft.

43:36
Right I don’t understand what language I speak that’s different than willing she speaks and she keeps trying to justify the fact that she stole I don’t care why you stole Did you steal? Did you take without asking?

43:50
Did you take without permission? All but I thought I didn’t ask you to think don’t think

43:56
thinking is what got you here. We’re not talking about what you think.

44:00
It’s either you did it or you didn’t? Like, arguments is I don’t know. I don’t really argue with people a lot. Because I break it down to the nitty gritty. Did you do?

44:12
Yes or no?

44:16
did happen on all like, that’s how I deal with argument. Because if you start on my feelings what I found, and you found, like a person does whatever they do to you because they feel justified. So if they did it, you don’t gotta ask no extra questions. They already did it because they were justified in doing it. They felt like doing it. They felt like they had a right to do it. They felt like they care about you when they did it. So why are you asking all these extra questions? Well, what was your thinking when you when you wasn’t thinking about that? I mean, I did it already.

44:53
Like I made a mistake at work

44:56
a while ago

44:59
and I am

45:00
It immediately because I was like oh oh that oh yeah I did that

45:05
I did that yeah you right I did that. Um You gonna suspend me on all

45:10
like what’s the consequence you talk about the consequences God did it

45:15
like I’m not gonna argue about something that I did do i did it i did it Now tell me tell me what my consequences is because I’m old enough now to understand that if you do something you can’t pick the consequences

45:29
you just get whatever the hell gets you get whatever judgment the judge and sends down whatever sentence he sent down you gotta sit in that box like that is what if you cheat on your wife? She decided that she got a divorce she would take half your get Did you don’t get to sell is not fear. Oh.

45:50
You chose your

45:53
you chose the action. You don’t get to choose your consequence never ever, ever, ever.

45:59
Ever

46:01
You leave that to whoever you wronged to give you that. So that’s just my own no hard our own natural my love and hip hop and consequences and suspensions that were. That suspension was nothing. I didn’t make a mistake. But I’m too old at this point to be arguing against semantics. Well, you know what somebody told me in the training, listen, oh, that Yeah, I did it.

46:31
I did it, do it.

46:35
Can you tell me how you gonna punish me? Am I gonna get punished? I’m like, I’m going to accept my punishment.

46:43
Because it is what it is. And I wasn’t stressed out about it. I wasn’t upset about it. I wasn’t like shake my bills was still getting paid. Not I’m not gonna say I didn’t care.

46:54
I just shifted that energy to do some other things that could have taken my attention.

47:00
You know, of course, I run my own private practice, but I work for company. It’s a fortune 500 company. It’s a huge company. And I made an error. And, you know, not following protocol because I didn’t know that that was protocol, but stuff happens. And when it came to my attention, I admitted it immediately that Yes, I did. Now what? Like sometimes you gotta just like taking on the chin when you do wrong to people, when you do wrong in life period.

47:30
But I felt like if I don’t know, I didn’t have no strategy or no strategy and and I was just like, dude, you’re gonna do like, what’s the worst you could do? To me find me.

47:41
Yeah, take that.

47:44
So I didn’t have a fear of any of the consequences of it. But I also didn’t do it on purpose. I just didn’t have the information that I needed to

47:54
complete the task without making any mistakes, but

47:58
I am making no errors. No more

48:02
She’s paying attention now. Cuz I’m getting rave flow I’m not. But you know, it’d be like that sometimes you really have to, to think in terms of removing your emotions from the situation. So I hope this helps. I hope this answered the question if any of you guys have any questions that you want me to answer you can hit me up with me and my instant on my Instagram page, the me in my inbox, I miss MS and IKI Banks, on Instagram or at Black therapists podcast on Instagram. And I hope this helps you guys if you know you guys are out there struggling with a parent who has narcissistic personality disorder. My condolences. I’m still finding messages that my father left for me

48:58
and I talked about

49:00
him in the first person still because I ain’t over it. I swear I swear he’s still alive

49:07
taunting me bothering me cuz I just can’t see. He said the such a narcissist like I can’t even see him dying

49:15
and leaving me in peace for the rest of my life with

49:20
him getting on my nerves. That’s the way that is how haunting it can be when you have a parent who has narcissism but suffers from us personality disorder but that’s what it is.

49:33
So if you have the desire to fix the broken relationships you have in your life, but not the tools that is what the new book finding happy seven steps relationships that will not steal your joy is for and that is why I decided to do our relationship course to help you guys navigate your problematic relationships. This is unlike any other relationship book out there is probably unlike any other course that you have.

50:00
out there is PLC friendly designed for us by us and taking our cultural nuances into account. And so if you are looking to bring more love into your life with your families, your friends and even in at work in your work environment, a lot of us spend more time at work than we do in our homes, right. And so if you want to radiate light everywhere you go, then you might want to either buy the book finding happy seven steps or relationships that will not steal your joy. And it is available right now on Amazon, which is great by itself or buying the course which is also called finding happy seven steps relationships that will not steal your joy. And you can get information to join the course and a coupon code on my website, Nikita and IKITA Banks. com Okay, and I look forward to supporting you and all of your mental health endeavors. Because, you know, my goal here is always to promote things that promote health and happiness and so if you want relationships based on

51:00
Those two principles health and happiness this book this course is for you to everyone else Thank you for listening be well thank you guys for listening to another episode of The Black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss MS in IK I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and IKITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for guest ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

2 thoughts on “Growing Up with a Narcissistic Parent”

  1. This topic was so helpful and relatable. Dealing with an undiagnosed parent with NPD is very difficult, especially when they refuse to seek help. It’s awesome to hear someone’s story, so ypu know you’re not alone in the world. ❤

    1. Yes, when I told my Black friends my father’s diagnosis no one showed me any sympathy. It is also very common for narcissist to not think that there is anything wrong with them, except for they alienate most people in their lives and they struggle to make close connections with others. I appreciate you listening and No you are definitely not alone.

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