On today’s episode we will discuss how to learn exactly what to do when you’re dealing with feelings of inadequacy.
In fact I’ve addressed feelings of inadequacy myself. Actually many times both in my personal life and in my practice. There are a number of reasons we feeling inadequate.
Feeling as if you are not good enough is a common occurrence. Especially in the world of social media and comparison. In my therapy practice I work with a lot of people whose feelings of depression and sadness start as small ideas of disappointment based on where they hoped, and thought they would be in their lives versus where they are. This is also compounded by the excessive comparison we do to both people we know and strangers on the web alike.
For most of us it is rooted in the way we learn to cope with feelings of insecurity as a child. Our caregivers have a lot to do with how we handle these feelings. First by raising us in an environment where they are responsive to our needs. We develop our sense of safety and how we build social attachments through these interactions. It becomes the basis for our secure or insecure attachment.
If you want to learn more about how attachment affects who and how you love…. take our free attachment course.
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Second, our parents give us teach us how to cope with our feelings.
In this episode our host psychotherapist Nikita Banks, LCSW I received an email from someone who wanted to know how we explore and address these feelings when they arise and for most us no matter how much confidence we have we often times feel like we aren’t good enough.
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Welcome to the black therapist podcast the black therapist podcast podcast I am your host author life strategist and psychotherapist Akita banks in private practice in my hometown in Brooklyn New York I am available for adults Cycle Therapy and coaching session and you find more information about that on my website Nikita banks.com you can listen to a podcast everywhere podcast are found Apple podcast Google play YouTube SoundCloud Peppa Stitcher iHeartRadio black therapist podcast.com therapist in you want to buy Hour podcast merchandise you can do so by visiting our site and if you want access to our free mental health tips free online training discounted selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy or one word to 66866 if you love the podcast please like comment and share love to hear from you and if you want to send me some feedback guest suggestions or simply to say hey you can contact us at our website black therapist podcast.com episode
Like comment and share love to hear from you and if you want to send me some feedback at suggestions or simply to say hey you can contact us at our website black therapist podcast.com be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just to help get you the shoes, please feel free to reach out to us that we can find you a mental health provider in your area okay let’s go Funny things that I have
Show me like was not even going to do a show tonight my brain is so all over the place with so much thing so many things that I have going on this weekend due today and I was like man I can’t be everything that everybody so it’s basically stayed in bed and I feel watching Game of Thrones tonight I was like spent it took me an hour and a half to watch it on demand
Call all over the place with so much thing so many things that I have going onToday and I was like man I can’t be everything that everybody so it’s basically stayed in bed and I feel watching Game of Thrones tonight I was like spent it took me an hour and a half to watch it cuz I watch it on demand
Coming to the end of our season I’m going to start to see if I can get some new content for you guys for the next few weeks. But I’m kinda, I’m all talked out. I have done a lot with this podcast over the last three seasons. And we’re going into the fourth. And I kind of want to come back fresh after a few weeks, or months…however long is going to take.
I have turns out what 26 episodes this season so far and we’re going to do at least another 20-25 before the season is over so I want to take a few weeks off. And it’s May May is mental health awareness month. Its Mother’s Day is coming, my son’s graduating from school at so many things that I have going on launching the new course getting my shop site up.
So yeah there’s that. All of our International listener. We are International. We have listeners in a lot of countries, our top 10 countries.
Right now that they have less than 30 countries which is amazing to me cuz I don’t even speak so many languages. But I want to shout out, United States, Canada, United Kingdom, South Africa, Germany, Australia, Republic of Korea, South Korea, Kenya, Ecuador, and Jamaica.
Okay and so I just want to shout you guys out. If you like the show you listens please share with your friends. Or leave me a review. Our response from wherever you need to listen to it so that other people know that this is great content. somebody left me a comment recently and said that I talk too much, in the beginning, they want me to get straight to the point. If you were listening to the replays. Any single where you listen to it. You can fast-forward past all of my updates. And you let you know what goes on between me, and what’s going on in my life. But hell Wendy (Williams), does it Dr. Oz does it. Everybody talks about whatever they got going on. So you got to sit through the church announcements in order to get to the sermon, Amen, okay.
Can you let you know what goes on between me and what’s going on in my life but how windy does it dr. Oz doesn’t everybody talks about whatever they got going on so you got to take me to church announcements in order to get to the sermon amen.
Okay, this week I got an email. And I’m really just here to answer this email. But I’m going to just read the back and forth. Okay so I got two emails from this person and then I responded in the middle. And I am just going to give the answer here. So its that I came across the video you made about a year ago. Speaking on Mental Health with the dreamcatcher group. Shout out to Tiffany Aliche “The Budgetnista.”
If you guys don’t know Tiffany, she is a financial expert. And she’s just an all-around badass chick. But I’ve done a lot of classes with her group the dream catchers and we did a mental health chat. Like three or four in there. So I guess she is one of the listeners from there. But she said I came across your, video you made about a year ago. Speaking on mental health for the Dreamcatcher group.
I like your personality, thank you. And decided to reach out. I know this is a stretch, but I’m hoping for some possible direction. For a while now I’ve been telling myself I need to talk to someone, about my state of mind. There are so many terminologies and different specializations I just really don’t know where to start to find help. I’m currently unemployed which seems to happen at least once a year.
I have a young child under 5. Limited to little or no support. And I’m questioning everything, about who I am. Past traumas and pain. On top of trying to get my finances in line. I am not trying to give you a sob story. Just some insight into my current stage. I try searching for a specific set of parameters to no avail.
I’m looking for some guidance okay so there’s this particular email.
There are a few things that I want to break down in this particular email that she said. Number one she talked about her being unemployed. And unemployment should not be a barrier to you getting mental health help. I have a free course and I think I talked about this in a dreamcatcher group. Because it is a financial group. But I have a free course if you guys are interested in it, or if you know someone who is interested in it. And it goes through all the steps of therapeutic sessions. How to find a therapist, who will take your insurance. Whether it’s paid Insurance most providers in the country now have to take Medicaid and Medicare. I have to take it in my office. I just don’t know how to bill it so I very rarely take clients with those insurances. But if you need a referral to people who take that Insurance. You can contact me you can contact psychology today. You can contact the insurance companies many of them in the state of New York.
Here they have managed mental health plan neither if you have United Healthcare Medicaid, you can have Blue Cross Blue Shield Medicaid. The health plan so the Blue Cross Blue Shield part. Is where you were calling to find out who takes them pretty much everybody takes Medicaid. I’m going to back up and say that’s not actually true not every therapist. Like in private practice or mental health practitioners like myself takes Medicaid. But most big places take it, hospitals, State hospitals, city-run hospitals, in your cities.
You should be able to find when the bigger clinics that will take state aid if you have it.
So that’s the first thing. The second thing is that also in the course. I take you through the intake process. What to expect in your first session. But I also give you free and low-cost ways that you can get therapy. So I do take EAP programs and that stands for as an employee assistance program. Some people get to come to me for up to 3 to 8 sessions. I had one client, She had like ten sessions. I mean that’s not common but her plan was from the UK.
But she was in America and she saw me here. But you can get up to plenty of free sessions.
With that, or at least enough to get you started on a plan. Then there is an organization call NAMI National (alliance) organizations for mental illness and they have free and low-cost therapy. All across the country and it’s a national organization. So they have stuff every single place and different in an all of the 50 states 51 52, I don’t know how many states there are yall I’m tired.
But if you sign up for the free course to protect get happy all one word to 66866, and let me know that you want that free course. That can be delivered to you. You’ll be enrolled in it. You can take it it’s free 99, It doesn’t cost anything.
But the reason that I did it is for people who are either newly-diagnosed are struggling. And you need some mental health help, you will be able to get it. So there’s that.
And let me know that you want that free course that question be delivered to you you’ll be enrolled in it and you can take it it’s free 99 it doesn’t cost anything but the reason that I did it is for people who are the newly diagnosed and are struggling and you need some mental health help you be able to get it
So there’s that there’s. So many different specializations…you don’t have to worry about that. If you’re looking for a therapist. And you think that you may just be depressed. Allow your therapist to tell you what specialties, they believe are going to be able to assist you. There are a lot of specializations, there are a lot of different modalities and treatment methods.
That people will be able to use to help you with that just means that they’re just multiple ways to be able to assist you. Yes, some ways are better than others based on evidence-based practice methods. But the problem with evidence-based practice methods, for people of color is that we don’t make up a Lion’s Share of the research. So even though they may have something that they say. May works with depression on all people. A small sampling of that research will probably be effective on us. And so finding somebody that’s culturally competent that’s willing to assist you. That’s willing to help you. That’s going to listen to your problems and diagnose you with the issues. Are and be able to assist you is the best bet. That you don’t really have to worry about finding somebody who has a specialization or (uses) terminology.
You just want to find somebody who you think may get you and go with them.
Also therapists are people too. I have clients to come to me who don’t like me. I have clients that come to me who love me. I don’t keep anybody that doesn’t want to be kept because it’s not my healing it’s theirs. And you have to have the proper connection with somebody to facilitate the healing and get what you need from your session. So if you would decide that you want to go to somebody, or you call somebody, and you ask them an intake session, or you ask them some questions, or whatever.
And you don’t feel that connection don’t give up on getting yourself the help because you are the one that needs it okay.
Are you asking some questions or whatever you don’t feel that connection don’t give up on getting yourself help because you are the one that needs it. Okay she says, she has limited and little support that’s kind of hard with me. Especially with a child under 5. I know what that’s like on a personal level. However, when people come into my office and they bring children it’s really difficult for me to get into the meat and potatoes of like what’s going on.
Because that time is not their own. And you have to kind of try to find some way. To make an investment in yourself. In order to get the time that you need to focus on your healing. As they say when you get on a plane. If you’re traveling with old people and children.. if you guys listen to the show you’ve heard this before. You’ve got to put your own mask on first, right? Because if you are incapacitated and you are not in a place that you’ll be able to assist yourself, you cannot assist them. And so what you really have to do is try to find some time in your day. And schedule to invest in your Wellness. And your healing.
Okay, the situation with you being unemployed I mean everybody has a downtime. We’ve all been unemployed. I’ve been unemployed and under-employed. I’ve struggled a lot when it came to those things. And just trying to find my way in the world. I think a lot of us go through that. When we just don’t know what purposes and then fired from a couple of jobs Ms. Banks has been fired. How many times I’ve been fired. I think I’ve only been fired one time. But you know that loss and let me know you know what this is not the place that I need to be. And that God will create a lane and space for you to be the person that you need to be and he will create a space and a lane for you to invest your time wisely. In the things that you need to do that will propel you to your passion. So if you were let go from that job, if you are no longer at that job for whatever reason.
It’s probably because that wasn’t the path that your life needed to take okay. So then I responded, and I asked her you know let’s just break down some of the issues piece by piece.
And make a plan and then she asked me where would you like me to start? She believes her overall issue is inadequacy.
I think what made me feel…I’m sorry… I think what made me really take focus on my mental health is my child’s father and my daughter. That relationship was and is toxic for me. I question myself about myself all the time.
If I’m a good person? How did I allow myself to be with someone so toxic? That I am not a good mother?
Why I don’t have strong relationships with my family and my friends? What is my purpose? What is wrong with me? Why am I the way that I am? With me being recently unemployed, I’m stress and think about everything that has happened in my life and why I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water.
Honesty 2 weeks ago. I believe I was in a state of depression I didn’t want to leave home. But wanted to be somewhere other than where I was I didn’t want anyone to bother me. And if I was laid up on the couch. And if I wasn’t out, I was laid up on the couch or in my bed.
All I want is for my daughter to grow to be a beautiful person inside and out. A strong sense of who she is. and love for herself, I want to live life and not just exist. I want to be happy and be firm. And who I am. I want balance, is that too much to ask in life.
I’m going to try not to cry no, no, no.
I want balance is that too much to ask in life I’m going to try not to cry no no
It’s not too much to ask in life. It’s just the right things to be asking in life no. That’s what we all want.
We all want balance and we all want to be happy we all want to do more than just exist that’s what we all want to do. But the problem is that we all don’t have the tools to do that. A lot of us watched our mothers and fathers struggle through life. A lot of us watch our parents do things just because it was their obligatory duties, to do so. Or they were obliged to do so or obligated to do so.
But not because they want to do so. You can make other choices, you just need the proper support and proper information. And that’s what most of us are lacking. I could have written this email to somebody (myself) like me 15 years ago. Because I was in a toxic relationship with my son’s dad. And I was struggling with trying to be a better mother and. And not being able to get out of bed. Like I’ve been completely transparent on the show,
I’ve been where you are but sitting on the side of it. I know that there’s a way out of it. I know that more is coming to you. If you actually truly believe that more is coming to you and you continue to fight for the information. And the support that you need to get there.
You just don’t have the proper information right now. You don’t have the proper support right now and let’s talk about the belief. A lot of us say I believe, that I am greater than this. So I believe that I deserve more than this. But it’s not our conscious belief sometimes, our conscious belief is just hope.
We hope that we’re better than this. And we hope that has beliefs are really the things that keep us going it’s our unconscious beliefs and our belief system that continues us on doing the same things. Hoping to get different results. What we have to do is, we have to find us a professional to help us examine, and get in and caught up all inside thoughts feelings and emotions that are in alignment with your unconscious or subconscious belief systems, that are driving decisions that you make that are unhealthy.
And a lot of us aren’t willing to make that step a lot of us aren’t willing to take that step and the reason that we are willing to take that step and I’m not talking about you and this is not a just judgment this is an observation.
The reason that a lot of us aren’t willing to take that step is because a lot of us don’t know that we can ask for help and that help is actually going to come.
A lot of us aren’t seeking the guidance from the people that we need because we’re allowed
Take that step is because a lot of us don’t know that we can ask for help and help is actually going to come a lot of us aren’t seeking the guidance from the people that we need because we’re allowing stigma and we’re allowing Community other people to dictate what it is that we do my relationship with my son that was very toxic relationship with my father was very toxic and a lot of us do what feels familiar the love that I got or on didn’t get for my son’s dad so very familiar to me it felt better to me at times then being with somebody who was loving and who was helping who was functional because I just wasn’t used to it it mimic the love that I got from my dad in the middle of that I got from my mother and it’s it’s shameful to say that I went seeking the things that I got from these people who were broken people who broke me down there was parts of me that was attracted to the Brokenness and him in the familiarity of it but family and familiar have the same words and that’s no coincidence for a lot of us go for what is familiar because it is what has been instilled in us in our family origin that’s not saying anything about your mother or your father give us cuz I don’t know anything about about you but I’m just saying this is what I know it in terms of what I do so the first thing that you have to do is start to challenge your belief system one good thing that you can do and I’m going to reach out to this person on my own and I want to give her information but I’m reach out to her on her her own and try to provide her some of my resources I told you guys I’m starting this course funny Happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is based on my my book that’s available on Amazon is available if you want it for me you can cook whatever but in the book I examine these limiting beliefs that you have in the book there with your workbooks in their question you have to ask yourself the question that are necessary to explore the reasons why you do what you do because it’s just an unconscious decision that you make every single day that we don’t know that we’re making another thing is a lot of us don’t know that we are making the choice in the first place a lot of us do a lot of things because we feel like you don’t have no other choice but we always do so finding a professional in your area that can help you sort through that would be perfect. Be a perfect place to start and I will help you do that okay the question that I have about the relationship with the child father and it is it being toxic for me and I always go first to safety if he doesn’t present a safety risk to you and your daughter happy did you just kind of have to set up some boundaries in place if I mean it doesn’t say whether she’s still in this relationship with him or not I don’t know but you have to decide if this is behavior that you want to continue to engage in and you have to decide how to limit access to you not necessarily your daughter if he’s a good dad or if he’s around and he does what he needs to do when he provides you with support and he loves her but you’re not going to be able to insulate her for 4 to too long with who from who she is outside of the fact that she’s up she’s very young and that’s a good thing I question myself all the time if I’m a good person and how did I allow myself to be with someone so toxic yes you’re a good person you make you make mistakes we all make mistakes we all make mistakes we do what we know how to do until we can do better it’s really just that simple that I am not a good mother I don’t know that you’re not a good mother and I don’t I don’t believe you’re not a good mother I believe that you could probably put yourself in a better position to allow your daughter to be a bigger Center in your life right now but right now you have to focus with the with the things that you need like shelter and and safety and money and you know your brainpower didn’t give me the ecology in the right place so that you know what you’re doing but I’m pretty sure you’re taking care of what you got to take care of I felt that just like I’m not good enough to be the kind of mother that my son need it I felt that and I’ve recently had a conversation with him when I asked him that I was like you know did you know we were struggling or did you know that we were doing it was like I didn’t feel like he should have known he got everything he wanted I got a busted my behind he was like I did no yes I noticed but I also think that you think it was bad if it was worse than it was even like I’m not stupid so I did see certain things but that I don’t really feel like it was as bad as you think it was I really made me feel good to know that she knew that I did my best and your daughter is going to know I’m getting all emotional text your daughter’s going to know that you’re doing your best you have the desire to ask for more you have to desire to ask for the support that you need and so
And your daughter’s going to know I’m getting all emotional text your daughter’s going to know that you’re doing your best you have the desire to ask for more you have to desire to ask for the support that you need and so it’s going to get better and your baby is so little Exodus there some time for you to get up off the couch but you know listen to some of my old stole the shows you’re here especially frustrating mother you were here I have my days till we all go through our day this is what being being a human being and find ourselves in the human condition is we are going to have our times what we’re going to struggle but those things build muscle it builds character you are asking for help okay I’m going to reach out to her behind the scenes and I’m see if there’s any way that I could provide any more support from her if you are under the sound of my voice and you sit under the sound of my voice like can you be under the sound I don’t even go down the sound right but if you can hear my voice and you are struggling with some of these things that we talked about today I will have some resources coming up very very soon for you guys have courses going to open again which is why I got to take some time off but the question is going to open again.
I’m not really sure if it’s going to open in June or July. But I want to get up and running pretty soon. I mean it’s already May, it’ll probably be up and running somewhere between you know the end of June and the beginning of July.
If you have already signed up to a mailing list you will hear information about that. I really hope you guys join. I tried to develop content like I said before so that I can provide therapeutic services or at least the information and the support that I know that I needed. When I was at the same place, as this listener.
And so I just want you guys to understand, that you can do anything your mind, tells you that you can do. But you got to get the information. Like a lot of us are battling against generational curses a lot of us about laying against the self-doubt of others has a lot of us about narratives that have been put in our heads. And not even our own thoughts.
And so in order to combat, those things you need to have somebody that’s willing to go through the fire and watching the fight with you and that’s a program that I’m developing is going to help you do and I don’t have to do this like I don’t I don’t mind I’m not worried about my finances really I’m not worried about
Through the fire and walk through the fire with you and that’s what these things programs and I’m developing is going to help you do can I don’t have to do this like I don’t I don’t know I don’t not worry about my finances really am not worried about my future really but this is a passion of mine because I wanted to provide people with the resources that I wish I had information that I wish I had when I was wasting away in my twenties in my early thirties and trying to figure out life on my own and being with people in and told him my friend in the same boat that I was in in you know struggling for struggle sake like I want to tell you guys that there is greater after this and you can do anything that you put your mind to the first you have to have the right information and second you have to have the right support and so if there’s anybody else who’s listening as long as you guys send me the emails I’m going to keep doing these shows at least to ask answer the emails I’m going to just do that if nothing else if you send me an email you shoot me an e-mail then I will be a show next week how about that but if I don’t know I’m going to take the next two weeks off because I got the graduation and I’m really just kind of right now I need to like starting my own mind thank God I’m back in therapy I’ve been to go to therapy every week usually y’all see me on jump on the live to tell y’all that I’m doing the other night this week we’re doing a live Thursday at 3 p.m. and it’s going to be called Woman’s Work it’s about changing your rolls when you are a woman in your in your relationships and how to find a roll of bats to find you and that benefits you and so I talked about these things not to spend kind of negotiating going over some of you guys know we haven’t have available on and what we have coming up okay so I want you guys have a great week join us Thursday at 3 p.m. on black therapist podcast Instagram page were going to go live if you have any questions about that you can drop me some comments on the IG page email me at black therapist podcast in Gmail or email me at in Banks like in Banks Cam and am I listening to be well thank you guys to listen to another
You don’t really have to worry about that if you’re looking for a therapist and you think that you may think beat the frost allow your therapist to tell you what Specialties that they believe are going to be able to assist you there.