Existing in a toxic family system is exhausting and it is the hardest relationships to learn to navigate because you can’t run away from your family.
People are who they are it us up to us to act accordingly you have a right to decide what you will and will not participate. Don’t allow history to be the tie that bind you to a life of suffering in a toxic relationship with family.
We tend to forget our friends, families, and partners have their own struggles. Let’s face it some of those we thought were just cray… were really diagnosed as… crazy… If your family is like mine you may have someone in it who is dealing with their own mental illness and diagnosable personality disorders like my narcissistic father.
The truth is some of us struggle with our demons, we have personality quirks and struggles that rise to the level of disturbance and disorder and it prohibits us from making the connections with them we desire.
Everything that is common is not normal yet we normalize dysfunction every day due to acceptance. If you want to get off the emotional roller coaster.
Toxic relationships don’t just happen. They usually come from a poison well! Think of toxic family relationships like the water in flint Michigan. People are being poisoned today from old and buried pipes, the carried life sustaining water! We can’t live without water! We drink it, we bathe in it, we cook in, it wash, brush our teeth it permeates every area of our life. yet the exposure to this tainted water year after year seeps into our blood stream and messes us up!
Family toxins are the same way! We can’t escape them, we need them like water for our very survival. It permeates every area of our life and will poison our blood stream for generations!! If we don’t identify what dangers the situations present, unlearn the information we have learned that is WRONG! And get someone to teach us healthy new strategies to fix them.
I have said this in our mini course! I don’t look at the strength of a relationship by the length of a relationship. I would love to be nostalgic about “blood” but if you have no real true emotional tie to someone and the only thing that binds you is blood. Does it really matter.
There is a different between family and relatives! A relative is someone who connects to you by blood or marriage.
Family is a group of related things meaning things they have in common. All relatives aren’t family!
In this week’s episode we continue the conversation we started last year about how to navigate and survive toxic family systems.
Comment below if you want to join our free mini-course “Healthy Relationship Building for Boss Chicks. Learn relationship cheat codes in 20 minutes a day to get the love (life) you love.”
If you want to read part one in the series: https://www.blacktherapistpodcast.com/toxic-family-life-preparing-to-go-home-for-the-holidays/
Make this your last year of struggle!!
I am Brooklyn based psychotherapist Nikita Banks and I am your host of The Black therapist podcast the black therapist podcast the podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face when dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. If you would like to reach out to us for feedback or show suggestions show topics, please feel free to contact us at blackberry podcast at gmail. com. You can listen to new or past episodes on SoundCloud, Apple podcast Stitcher, Spotify, YouTube, I Heart Radio and Google Play. If you are having trouble listening to us on your preferred platform, or if you want us to be on a platform that we’re not currently on, make sure that you send us a private message on our Instagram page at Black therapist podcast. Or you can just drop us a message or send us an email at back therapists podcast com. If you want insider tips, resources and access to our free mental health course make sure that you text get happy to 66866 and my new book, finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is available right now on Amazon, go to our website or go to our Instagram pages and click the link and purchase because we want to help you get your relationships together for 2018. And beyond these Be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress, or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go. Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of black therapist podcast.
I have been I feel
like I’m on T shirt crazy. Because
new designs put up on the website,
I thought that
it would be finished.
Already. By the time you hear this show. If you hear this show, outside of me 2019, then the site will be up and that’ll be black therapists podcast slash
But I keep adding more things. So the damn shop so the assistant who’s making the shop, she hasn’t really been able to like completely finished it. So hopefully you within the next few days, it’ll be up and it’ll be done. But and one of my groups, somebody posted up this like generic black therapy. And I was like, man, I like that. That’s cute. But
if you like that,
I got I got something for you, Mama. So I’m, you know, I’m really excited about what we have coming up in terms of light podcast merchandise, and I’m looking at other people’s stuff. And I don’t want to toot my own horn, but BB, we’ve, we’ve really come up with a lot of good products. And I asked at this point at the stop ordering stuff. Because my house is almost like a warehouse at this point, because I’m in so many things. But that’s besides the point. The last two weeks, I have been going live on my Instagram page on Thursdays at 3pm, which is supposed to be my administrative day, which is the day go to the insurance companies and ask them to run
me my money,
which takes them forever to do. But I’ve been dedicating the last three weeks to Okay, well, the last two weeks to going live at 3pm on Thursdays and you guys seem to like it. So if you want to join our weekly live on Thursdays at 3pm please feel free to do so you might hear some noise in the background because it’s Sunday and I’m doing laundry. And I don’t know if other people recording studios, but with my schedule I’m either recording at all office or in my home. So it is what it is. But yeah, that’s that’s it our our free course healthy relationship for boss chicks learn relationship cheat codes in 20 minutes a day is still available. The coupon code for our full mental health course, which is finding happy seven steps relationships that will not steal your joy has expired. So if you didn’t go in and get your seat for the full course Shame on you, because now it’s going to cost you $100 more. And I don’t know when I’m going to be launched it and I’m pretty sure as I told you guys before, once I start the class and start the cohort to get people in it, you know, it’ll it’ll change. I don’t know if it’ll change drastically. I don’t know if it’ll change a little bit.
But you know,
it’ll change it modify, because people will be in the course they’ll test it, they’ll tell me what they liked, what they don’t like. And so there will be modification. So number one, I’m not sure if the course will stay as cheap as it is currently right now, the course, because you missed the coupon code, which expired on February 20, which would have gotten you $100 off the course is $350. And what you get in the course is you get eight weeks of video lessons, you get assignments, workbook and homework assignments. And you get three bi weekly group coaching sessions with me and everyone else as well as you get one one on one session with me. So if you missed it, shame on you. Because it the course closes with a does it close. I mean, look at the date, I want to say the course closes in seven days. Yeah, so by March 3, the course will be closed. So the last seven days that you can get into on the course. Right now we’re still offering the one on one sessions and a group coaching calls. But like I said, I’m not really sure if it’ll stay in the next we iteration of this program because my time is limited. But I feel like doing it without one on one time with me. It just doesn’t make any sense at the way the way it is currently. Plus I want to know what you what you want. I want to know what your issues are. I want to be able to help you resolve problems that you have currently and give you implementable strategies that you can go out and take into the world and make yourself happier. Live a life on purpose, live a life of purpose in achieve your dreams and be passionate about making relationships that are built on principles of health and happiness. Okay. Okay, so that that’s that. So when I first decided that I was going to do the four weeks of lives
I put out to the people what
what you want me to talk about because I have two
general topics that I was going to discuss one was I said for last week and on the episode I said for but I gave you five five personality types to avoid for love connection. That was the That was last week. In think the week before, what do we talk about? I just
you know, I told you previously, I’ll just be on here talking.
And always remember
what we talked about.
Let me see.
Don’t you love that black woman can do that. I do that more than I should. And I don’t know if other cultures do that mouth Dang, when I was like African people do it. Maybe less than the people do it like pop you copy of the roof of your mouth. Anyway. So I don’t remember what the first week was. But if you want to see the recap of those shows, they are on black therapists podcast Instagram page on my IG TV and shout out to you guys, because I think it the last time I looked at each of them had about 1500 views, I think one of them had about 2000 views. So apparently you like the lives. So I’m gonna see if I can keep doing them
on Thursdays for a while.
Okay, Instagram going off for a while. And oh, shoot, I got nominated for an award. I forgot to tell you guys about that. If you care about me even a little bit and you want to vote for me, you can go to the link on my bio. But I was nominated by Let me see nominated by it wasn’t nominated for an award by Congressional Research Institute for Social Work policy. Chris is for the by the National United States
And my category is Outstanding Individual in business. And obviously, I’ve been nominated for the work that I do here on black therapist podcast. So if you want to vote for me, like I said, the link is in my bio, if you want to just shout me out and let me know that you love what we’re doing here at Black therapist podcast, let me know, if you are a therapist and you are listening to the sound of my voice you want to be on black therapist podcast, please also let me know because I haven’t done collaborations yet for 2019. But I promise you that I will I got some people are really, really, really, really, really want to get on the show. Like really, really, really, really. And I’m hoping to schedule those interview soon. But March is crazy for me. Every year in March I I go to the United States Congress to advocate for some social work policies. And that happens at the end of the month. Hopefully, when I get there, they will give me this award that I when I’m hoping to win.
Because they say is nice to be nominated is That’s cute.
That’s that’s real cute. But a win is a win. So I’m hoping to win. So that happens in March, I have a bunch of trainings that I have to do in March, my practices like jumping. So that’s a good thing. So I’m kind of booked up in March for my practice. As you know, we launched the course that is starting this week, but starting in March.
my schedule is like crazy and to do collaborative interviews is hard to edit. And it takes a lot more time to quote meet with other person sometimes people castles to talk they show up sometimes they don’t. So I just like to kind of just record when I have time to record. And well, I’m very self reliant on myself. And so people, when you ask people to
support your dream,
they show up whenever they feel like it and I get that. And you know, I’ve gotten a lot better at not taking it personal. I used to take it personal like damn, nobody shows up for me. They don’t do what they say they’re going to do. Nobody keeps their word anymore. But I mean, I kind of take you take this is gonna sound horrible, but I kind of take the approach to asking other people to do anything for me, like I took dating in my 20s. So when I was 20 years old,
and I had my first apartment,
with no dishes, my mother bought me dishes, and she bought me a microwave, shout out to Miss Banks for thinking ahead, right. But I buy those things for myself. It wasn’t something that I even invested in myself. I told my mom, I got an apartment, my mama said, cool, I’m gonna send you a care package, she sent me a microwave. She sent me dish clubs, she sent me wash clothes, she sent me some dishes and silverware. Shout out to mama Banks, because those are not things that I even thought about purchasing.
Even though I had my first apartment, right, so
I didn’t cook too much. And because I didn’t cook too much. What I used to do was I used to play a game called whoever showed up. Got with first was the winner. So I would invite three or four guys, this makes me sound bad. Lloyd I promise you I’m working. I’m a work in progress. I’m back in therapy as well. So my therapist a through with me yet, which is also one of our T shirts
coming up. But um,
what I used to do is I used to just kind of go out and meet guys throughout the week,
whoever showed up
when I called like, okay, it’s Monday, man eaten and in the fridge, no dinner, no dinner plans, I will call two or three guys, and then see who showed up first. And whoever else whoever showed up first got me whoever they ain’t got left. So whenever I try to approach doing certain things in business, at this point in my life, I asked multiple people to do stuff that I cannot do. And then I learned to do things on my own. So if I have to pay for something, I know that I’m getting what I paid for. And so it becomes a pain in the neck, kind of vet and people but I realized, especially 2019 especially wherever I am in business right now, especially how I’m feeling about things that people just don’t show up for you. When you want them to they show up for you when they feel like it. And you know, even even launching this course, I had a couple of people that I hired to do some things, copy writing, getting some writers to come up and do some emails for me doing like my pages everything. I mean, to have them call me after the deadline. And I was like what and what, what, and I will set deadlines in my business, not with my interns not with my assistant not with anybody that a higher unless there’s like a time that I need it by I’ll let you know what’s how many by and and I’ll let you give me what time you can do it by. And so if those two things are in alignment, if you can do it before the time that I need it by that I’m good. But if you give me a time to do something, and then you don’t show up for it, how can I take you seriously? Like it’s it’s unfortunate that I can’t I cannot take you seriously.
So there’s that.
And I just remember something that I didn’t do that I was
supposed to do. I was asked to do, and maybe they can’t take me seriously. Just okay. My schedule is crazy. So I’m also if you send me an email, if you asked me to come to your event, if you you asked me to support your organization, the best way to get me to do that is to email me shoot me a couple of dates. Let me shoot you a date back, follow up with me before the date.
and then follow up with me in that week. My brain is all over the place and you know launching our e commerce store or our March March shop.
Building the courses that I’m building for myself
managing a website, even though I have an intern haven’t Inserm on my intern doesn’t work directly for my practice, and an assistant. Even if you have an assistant, you have to kind of make a list of things that your system has to do. And currently right now, the project that she’s dead, she’s working on the projects that she’s working on, I don’t really want to pull her off to anything just to remind me about an email. So you you guys have to be diligent about
following up with me.
And if I miss something, hell charges in my head. Definitely not to my heart. But, you know, anybody who listens to this show knows that I’m prone to like
Scatter brain this, the only time you really truly get me to focus is money, romance in therapy, like those are the three times that I’m really completely focused, not even in meditation. Sometimes, unfortunately, not even in prayer.
Definitely not when I’m working
out. My mind wanders sometimes, and it’s Mr. Shin, it’s in situations like those are the only three times you really truly get me present. And I’m trying to be more present now than ever, but
Like my actually therapy when I’m in my own therapy session with my therapist, and when I am a therapist and those sessions.
See, I don’t even know what Dallas said, Yeah.
Let’s get into today’s show. So
I feel like I talk about toxic relationships more than anything. But I was asked to talk about toxic relationships. This this week. And what I want to talk about is not just toxic relationships, but how to renegotiate roles and toxic relationships and why you need to renegotiate roles and toxic relationships. If you read my book, finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy. Or if you have listened to this show, you know, I talked a lot about navigating the relationships that I have in my family. And unfortunately, a lot of my relations after my family are not healthy ones. And it’s not because I haven’t tried to inject health in the situation like you can, you could give something a booster shot as many times as you possibly can, or throw vitamins at cancer,
right. But it unless you,
you radiate it, you’re right. radiate love positivity. Good energy into the situation situation, right. It’s just like having cancer, radiation shrinks those deadly cells. And if you are not radiate in positivity, and love into those relationships, and the other person isn’t being receptive to that, there’s really nothing that you can be able to do for that. So
I feel like
I mean, I’m not even really sure there’s more we could talk about toxic relationships. So what I’m going to talk about today is learning how to renegotiate your roles in toxic relationships. And I take this directly from our corresponding copy seven steps to relationship that will not steal your joy. So for me with my dad, what I had to do was learn to
see him as he was.
At some point, I got to, to realize that it was disrespectful of me to continue to hope that he be something that he wasn’t equipped to be. I had this fantasy in my mind that he would be the dad that would show up for me, the dad that would rescue me, the dad, that would would give me money. And like take care of me. And like, you know, my grandfather often told me not to give up on my dad, that was like one of his dying wishes. He was like, don’t don’t count your father out. And don’t give up on him. And so I never did. Like there was this expectation in my within my my family, outside of like any of my siblings that I was supposed to believe in my father, more than anybody else. And I
obviously I bought into that
a lot of us we take on roles and our families that are not roles that we volunteered for. These are roles that we were assigned to. And I recently had a conversation with one of my girlfriends who she has a cousin, who I don’t particularly, I mean, this is not nice. I don’t think the cousin is particularly all that cute. But that’s just on my site. But my my friend is a pretty girl, she has had a lot of privileges in her life. But it’s not really where you start out is where you end up, right. And so the cousin is extremely competitive and comparative to my friend. And so we recently had a conversation with her. And I said, Well, at what point do you stop putting yourself in a situation with this cousin,
doesn’t treat you nicely.
Because every time you go somewhere where you come back to me and you want to complain to me about the way your your family cheats you. And number one, I can’t say anything bad about the family member, even though the family member has said bad things about me and I don’t even for the life of me remember meeting her, Nick, that’s how insignificant the concept that she and I have had, I only really know anything about this cousin from what my friend has said about her. And if you tell me a bunch of things about your family member, that I don’t number one, I don’t know that I number two, I don’t have any kind of personal intimate contact with I’m never actually they said I met the girl and the girl didn’t like me for whatever reason.
But I don’t remember meeting this person. And I don’t really care about her. But if my friend keep continuing to tell me something about somebody that’s continuing to hurt them. Do you think that I would lead this person like do you think this is the person that you would fostering goodwill by telling you all these negative things about this person, right? So what I said to my friend was, I said, I’m not to judge you on this situation. But every single time you come back from spending time with this family member, you tell me bad stories about her. Hey, I think you should get a therapist or go back to therapy so that you can talk these things out about the person with somebody who’s non biased, non judgmental, and is not going to harbor resentment if I was in full feelings towards this cousin, because I don’t like this cousin, not because I don’t know, I know this cousin or because it did anything to me. I don’t like the way she treats my friend who I genuinely love. Right? So I told her you need to go and tell somebody else. This stuff about this cousin but but Furthermore, less, do you would you want to explore why you continue to put yourself in certain social situations with this cousin, when you know, the only reason that she wants you to be around is to flaunt her newfound success and her newfound wealth to make you feel some sort of way? Like why do you keep putting yourself in a social situation? I’m not saying don’t go home for
I’m not saying avoid her at Thanksgiving.
I’m saying why in the world would you continue to go out of the country with her when you know that when you get there, she’s gonna be mean to you. And then you go out of the country with her and her friends. So you completely on her terror territory, you’re isolated? You don’t even have any allies, like At what point do we stop signing up for voluntary suffering? And so I’m not really sure if I got through to her or she understood what I was trying to say, I really wasn’t part of me where I was coming from was just like, do you really want to continue to do this? Um, and she, I don’t remember the answer she gave me. But I guess I’ll find out the next time she called me to tell me about this cousin. And that’s how her, I got another call. And I’m gonna call her back. Because I’m really good for that. So lesson number one, in toxic relationships, change the damn subject. I’m a master changing the subject, when somebody talks about something that I don’t want to talk about, I’m very good at drawing boundaries, in relationships, where there needs to be, I have a friend of mine. And there was a time that my my oldest sister and I were not on great terms. And that’s fine. And I had a friend of mine who also had relations with my sister, not relations, like sex, that’s not a good thing. That’s not what I meant. But she had a, like a prior relationship with my sister outside of the relationship that I had with him. I think because he thought there was a rift between the relationship with my sister and I, that he could be my ally by talking bad about my sister. And I had to draw the line and be like, Listen, that’s my sister. And if you have anything negative to say to her, she’s a really big girl, you can go and speak to her and say whatever you need to say to her to her face, but don’t talk bad about my sister to me. And like I don’t, I don’t want to engage in that, I’m not going to participate in that. And you’re not being an ally and a friend to me by doing that. Like, I know that there are some people out there that if you you know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I don’t really play like that. Like, if you don’t like my enemy, that’s a business. On over here with with somebody else’s thoughts, like I don’t really want to engage in that unless it has some sort of therapeutic value. Like some time, there are some times that I’ve been upset with something that my sister has done, and I’m needed to process that information. But I’ve also learned not to go to my friends about that. Because just like I said, with my girlfriend and her cousin, that makes my friends feel some sort of way about my family member and then you make up with the person or you You’re still family with the person you still blood with the person and then somebody else has something negative to say like stop bringing other people into your mess. If you’re looking for an ally, the Quran, Allah, I realized that people usually only tell you their business for a few reasons. Number one, they are telling you their business or because they want events. They don’t want your opinion. They don’t want you to tell them what to do. They’re not looking for somebody to hold them accountable. They really just want you want to get it off their mind. Right. This sounds people tell you their business, especially if there’s a dispute between them and somebody else. Because they want you to agree. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like I’m doing access with my sister use a mouse my sister does when she’s on the phone guy so much like y’all, y’all. They just want you to be you want they want a yes, man, they want you to agree. Let them know that they are right. Everybody else is wrong. Fuck that bitch, right. And then the third thing is they want
They want somebody to take their side over the other person side. So whenever I’m talking to somebody about a dispute, I’m make what I had with somebody else I asked myself, am I looking to vent? Am I looking for an ally? Or am I looking for? I don’t remember the other one was? Oh, yes, man. I’m looking for somebody to Yes, me to death. Usually I want some to agree with me. Or if you’re healthy, which I would like to think that I’m healthy. Sometimes I want them to check me sometimes I do want a different perspective. Sometimes I really do want advice on what to do. Sometimes I really do want to see what what I could have missed in the situation. And one time my therapist friend hit me over the head with Is there anything that you could have done differently? And it was a very toxic relationship. And that was that work? And I really didn’t like my boss
who here listens to this show. Now
shout out to you. If you listening right now, but it was a big dispute at work and something happened and it was something really like mind blowing for me. I was I was the what is this silent sides sideswiped? I mean sideswiped is like a car accident. But
that’s kind of how was
blindsided? Yeah, I got it. I was blindsided by the fact that she drew a wedge between me and somebody in the office who was an ally. And when I went to go speak to my coworker about it was I was like, upset one of the few people of color in the office. One of the the co workers that I had, he asked me if there was anything that I could have done differently. And I thanked him for asking me that question because it allowed me to take responsibility for the things that I could control in a relationship. So back to toxic family members, if you are in relationship with someone who is toxic. And we’ll get into the definition of how you define what toxic is, you have to be controlled, and diligent about how you engage with this person, you have to be controlled and diligent about what information you allow them to have access to. You have to be controlled, and diligent about how you respond to certain things that happen and not react to them. And the difference between responding is thinking about what you’re going to do. And answering a stimulus by whether or not an action with a response, or reaction is not something you think about, it’s just something you get, like, if I punch you in your eye right now, trust me, that’s the reaction. And if I, you know, call your manager, if you do something still and we at work, and I have a conversation, and all right, cooperate, that’s a response. Like sometimes you have to take the high road. And a lot of that doesn’t happen in relationships with our family, because they know too much about us. They know how to get us they know how to get us staying, they know how to get us, they know how to get us. But we have a right to decide what we want to engage in. I have a cousin who I love dearly. Oh, that’s why I said it’s. So I started telling the story about the other two cousins. But I’m going to just segue into my own cousin is pretty
much the same story.
Our relationship have been strained ever since we grew up. And it was because of the roles that were assigned to us in the family. And in that conversation with my girlfriend and about her and her cousin, when I told her was is I don’t even think she she recognizes why she doesn’t like you I said it could possibly be something that happened between your mother and her mother growing up. I said because the amount of resentment that’s fostered between the two of y’all don’t really seem like it has anything to do with either money or like I know your heart, I know what kind of person you are, I know how you engage with this sister cousin. You know, she’s like a sister cousin to her, I know that you really extended yourself to her, I’ve known what you’ve done for her over the years, she’s no real reason that she should be so nasty to you, unless this is some deep seated rooted stuff.
And she’ll like you.
And I’ve had to come to that realization with my cousin. Um, because growing up, I don’t know what happened or why it happened or when it happened. But my family gave us roles. And, you know, when you are the cute one, or the pretty one or the dainty one, and somebody else is, you know, the masculine one or the ugly one was the boys one or whatever it is, like you internalize those things, it becomes me versus that person. And I worked really, really, really, really hard on that relationship. Over the years for getting past trans questions like getting me jumped in the street, like, you know, I’m saying like real things, fist fights, like these are real, real things like not just arguments. So I we worked really, really hard to have a good relationship. And in the end, how it ended was she and I had an adult conversation and I was like, Listen, she Matter of fact, she had, she had an she had intuited on a private situation between my myself and my father, and my mother, sister, and I had asked her not to do it. And she did it anyway. And when we had that conversation, I was like, Yo, I really respect you. I really love you. We’ve worked really, really hard. I don’t quite understand why you did what you did. But we need to, like have some boundaries moving forward. And what she said to me was like, Well, I don’t really care anyway, I just tolerate you. And I said, Okay, well, again, like I said, I love you, I don’t like a we’ve worked really hard in this relationship, I really care about you. I really want things to be different moving forward a little bit more healthier than things have been in the past. I’m like, What do we do different and she was like, I don’t care.
I just tolerate you.
And I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t need to be around anybody who just tolerates me and I need to be around a place where I feel love. I feel secure. I feel celebrated. I feel and maybe this is maybe this is not a big thing. As I’m listening, you know, saying it out loud. Maybe it wasn’t it was not as big of a thing as either one of us made it. But it was extremely hurtful to me cuz I
don’t want to be tolerated.
Like that felt horrible to me in that moment. And I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I just was like, you know, what I I’ll call you back. I’m busy right now have something to do in a hurry up and got off the phone. And that was like the end of it. And because of the will our family works. There hasn’t been another social setting where we needed to see each other that hasn’t been another situation. But she’s been talking about me behind my back. And it was just like some things I can deal with some things that can’t, I can’t do everything. Every day, everything ain’t for everybody and everybody, everybody, I’m good. Over here on my side of the street. There’s been times that, you know, my dad is called to say things about this family member, my my mom has called me to gossip about this family member, you know, other family members have called me to say things about the family member. And I like gossip. So I listen, you know, I’m human being. But I try not to engage in foolishness when it when it’s not necessary. Like I don’t want to rile up any ill will between anybody, especially when I don’t have any ill will. For them, the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference. And while I wish this person Well, I’m gonna suck one way or the other. So I’m not really going to put a whole lot of energy into hating the person or hating on the person, whatever is going to happen to her, or for her benefit in life is going to happen to her or for her benefit in life. And there’s nothing that I’m gonna be able to do to assist that there’s no now I’m not putting any energy in wishing anything bad on her. I just, you know, I think that I’ve gotten to this point in all of my relationships that when a person shows you who they are, you believe them and you have to give people the the autonomy.
I had to make sure I was recording, you have to give people the autonomy to decide what they won’t really won’t engage. And it’s possible that she doesn’t want to be my son because I’m a cultural bad. And I remind her of a time in in history where she felt bad about herself, I make her feel, I don’t give her good feels, I don’t give her good energy, I don’t give her good vibes. So she has a right to decide that she doesn’t want to engage in that and how, right to decide that I don’t want to just be tolerated absolutely fucking fabulous. For somebody just to tolerate me, I’m too much of an asset on anybody’s team to be tolerated. If you are my true friend. If you ever been around me, if you’re a stranger, and you’re in need of help, and I got the information, you got the hook up. Like, I didn’t call it the course relationship Chico’s ready thing because that’s, you know, that’s what it is. That’s who I am. And so I’m, in my own family, I recognize that I can only go around certain family members, when I had the mental fortitude and strength to deal with them, and deal with whatever version of them shows up, I have to be able to deal with whoever they desire to be in that moment when they come around me. And I have a family, which is a cast of characters, cast of characters. And I’ve I use to want them to be who I wanted them to be. How arrogant and narcissistic and selfish is it that you want somebody to show up in the way you want them to show up not taking into account, what their day was like, what they’ve gone through the traumas that they’ve had, what their experiences are. Like, that’s not even realistic. And it’s not fair. I think a lot of us that think that we’re in relationships that are toxic, we’re just we’re just not empathetic to the plight of other person. A lot of us just, we want so badly for that other person to be different than who they are, that we behave badly when they come around. So some of this is stuff that we need to check on our own.
And we need to we need to check for ourselves.
So I believe that toxic unhealthy relationships are relationships that don’t allow for you to learn, grow and change. A lot of people that we are in relationship with would like to keep us where they feel most comfortable with us being. And what I mean by that is, if you have a family member who always comes to you to borrow money from you, they want you to not know anything about financial abuse. They don’t want you to learn anything about getting your finances in orders and and, and axing them out, right because it doesn’t benefit them that you have this knowledge, it doesn’t benefit you that you have this benefit them that you have this experience, it may benefit you but then if it benefits you, it may also change the dynamics of the relationship. And a lot of people want to keep us in subservient positions in relationships. So if your relationship doesn’t allow you to learn, grow and change, its it definitely is unhealthy, even if you won’t call it toxic, right. But a lot of toxic relationships are abusive, right, but that’s on the surface, you know, if somebody is abusing you, if they’re using you, if you feel unfulfilled in the relationships, if your needs are never getting met, if they want, won’t want, but don’t ever want to give, give, give that you know, these are toxic relationships, right? Um, but you also have a right to renegotiate your roles. In the course what we do is we teach you how to identify what roles you play in different social settings. Let me use myself for example. So in my life, I don’t mean to laugh in my life and in my relationships, I like to be the authority. I usually believe that I’m the smartest one in the room. And if I am not the smartest one in the room, I’m completely aroused. Maybe not sexually, but definitely intellectually. Like if you know more than me, if you’ve done something that I haven’t done, holy shit. I’m bowing to your genius. But usually I know a lot. I’m very well read my, my youngest sister is extremely well read my mother as well with my my father was, you know, really smart, even though he was a jerk. Um, and so my son is smarter than me. And he’s, he’s an asshole about it. I’m not that bad, but I
also don’t have a penis.
And so and so if in my relationships, I’m usually the authority, it didn’t hope what did it that I became a psychotherapist, because people come to me for advice. But I can literally be sitting on a bus stop mana my own business with my headphones and the people who come to me and asked me for advice for whatever purpose, I don’t know if it’s something that I radiated for that whenever I’ve always become the authority in my relationships, I’ve always been an authority in my family. And that’s just the role that I’ve taken on. Unfortunately, not everybody wants to have a 10 year old authority or 12 year old authority. And it took me having a 10 year old and a five year old and a two year old authority, which was my son. So recognize that. Like, I remember one time I came home and I got a job at ESPN, and I’m speaking to my son, and I was like, Oh my god, I’m so happy I got this job. Everything’s gonna be great. And my son looked at me, like,
do you think you’re worthy? And I was like,
cheese? Dude, you’re six. And I was like, do you know what, where’s the is? Which is smart as he was idea like you do us deserve it. And I was like, oh, gosh, he knows what it means. Okay,
now I have to ask him.
Yes, sir. I’m not really sure if I’m worthy. But I do think that I worked hard. And I think I’ll work hard to maintain it. So it kind of let me know I must have the VC share the same birthday. So a lot of the same personality traits, but he’s like me on steroids. And so it allowed me to see that sometimes being the authority, Rob’s other people have their right to self discovery. So now in conversations, especially because I’m in light of what I told you earlier that people come to you for advice, I say air quotes for different reasons, or they come to each event for different reasons, or they tell you their business for different reasons. Now, instead of just giving somebody advice, I will ask them, if they want advice, I’ll ask them if they want me to just listen, why I asked them what’s the best way to for me to support you in this moment, because people want to be seen. And sometimes they want to be heard, they definitely want to be acknowledged. But they don’t always want you to fix things. And they don’t always want you to talk to them. And they don’t always wants you to do that thing that you do. Because it sometimes who we choose to be doesn’t benefit the other person. Sometimes who we choose to be robs them of their autonomy, it robs them of the right to learn the lessons that you need to learn. It robs them of the skills that they need to be who they need to be. And learning the lessons that they need. Like sometimes we don’t allow people to fall. But when you fall, you get up and you you do things properly. Like I literally, you know, in launching this course is this whole thing. And I’m doing like these, the classes and I have a business coach and the coach called me last week and she was like, Okay, you’ve done this, what do you think you need to do differently? And I told her, I don’t know what I mean, I don’t know yet. I said, I know that I thought I was at one part of the the process like I thought I was in the end part of the process. But now that I’m in the process, I realized that I’m in the middle. And I’m maybe still closer to the front. But in order for you to ask me what I need Next, I can’t tell you until I do what I need now, right. But we kind of almost need to go through the lessons that we need to go through in life to learn what we need to learn to make a process of elimination of what we don’t want. And so if you’re not dating or putting yourself out there, or you’re not trying new things, and you’re not failing at stuff that you would never going to be able to succeed at anything. Because you have to be able to fail and and learn the lessons that you need to learn so that you can succeed, like you have to switch, pivot and shift, you’re gonna have to change things up and shake it up. In test test test. Like testing is part of relationship building testing is part of life skills. I didn’t know that I couldn’t do anything without failure. I didn’t know that succeeding required me to fail, I had to mess things up. And if you look at it from a scientific basis, there are researchers that are out there trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and failing until we find a cure. And so with a lot of our family members, what we kind of have to do is learn to shift and change and learn what is not working and look at look at our desired results are being met with what we’ve been trying. And if you haven’t been successful doing it this way, maybe you need new information, maybe you need to try a new strategy, maybe you need to get a therapist or coach, maybe you need somebody else to hold you accountable. Maybe you need somebody outside of yourself, to look at the things that you’re doing and tell you what’s right and what’s wrong. But what I am grateful for in terms of my relationships are concerned is that I’m not the person I used to be because I was I was a beast. And I still have like, I still have monster tendencies. Sometimes I’m beauty and the bees sometimes have just the bees and actually have pretty great relationships with my parents, my father passed away, I talked about that already. But in his in his ending, I was able to kind of forgive him of his transgressions and see him as he was, I was able to take take the toxic stuff and
live with it.
It’s almost like hand sanitizer. Right? We have we have gotten to the stage in life where we use hand sanitizer so much that we were getting rid of the bad bacteria with with the good. And there is good bacteria, like some of us have to learn the lessons that we need to learn in our family in order to put us in a good position in the world. And in a way to learn our resilience in a way to build up our immunity to some of the bullshit that happens when we get out in the world. But some of it, we have to we have to leave, we have to learn to be like you know what I see what my mother did, I don’t want to be that kind of parents, I see what my dad did, I don’t want to be that kind of parent, I see what you know, my uncle did to my dad, I don’t want to be that kind of brother, oh, I don’t want to be that kind of sister. And we just have to kind of like not learn to navigate things, see them as they are and remove
the emotion from it.
When my sister and I were able to mend our issues,
and they were deep seated.
And I had no idea that they had to do with stuff that happened in childhood that I had absolutely nothing to do with. And so we had a conversation and my sister kept talking about our feelings. And I heard that you said this. And I heard that you said that. And I said but you didn’t call your sister. And she was like, Well, yeah, because so so so so so say. And I was like, well, you don’t know so and so’s motives you never ever once called me. I’ve reached out. And I’ve called you. And I’ve come to visit. And I’ve seen you and I’ve tried to speak to you and you’ve never once reached out to me. And she kept talking about feelings. And I was like, Well, you did not call your sister. And my sister never apologizes because she never does anything wrong. She’s a cancer. And I like to call cancer suicide bombers because they will take you down the whole building end themselves as long as they get to get their target, right. And so she apologized.
And that was extremely
huge for our relationship. Because I’m usually the apologist. But she, she caught me and she apologized. And she was like, you know what you are right. And what I said to her was moving forward in this relationship, these are, these are the boundaries that I have. And these, this is what I need. And if you can’t do it, that’s fine. But if you say you’re going to do it, I expect it. And we worked our way back from where we were to, you know, a really healthy place.
it’s, it’s worth it. I personally don’t think that you should ever really stop speaking to anybody, even though I said I’m not speaking to my cousin. I’m not not speaking to her. She calls me today, and she needs me. You know, conversation has to happen. But I would never, like I don’t not answer my phone, if anybody calls me. And I don’t turn my back on my family if they need me. Even if I gotta close them out first before I help them. I’m gonna say whatever I gotta say in a normal move forward. I don’t harbor any resentment. I don’t leave things unsaid. If I like you, I like you if I don’t like you know why I’m, I don’t have to processed feelings for people like, oh, when you meet strangers, sometimes you may not like them because of their energy. And you can’t really put your Nate your your finger on a tangible reason for that. I can do that with strangers. I cannot do that with family. I don’t I don’t like funny energy. I don’t like putting myself in situations that I’m not necessary to be an author not positive with an unhealthy but I never glue myself from a chance to be in the presence of people I love and who love me and we share DNA. And so I hope this helps. I’m kind of rambling Thursday will be a little bit better. But I feel like I’ll talk so much I’ll talk so much about boundaries. I’ve talked so much about toxic family, I talked so much about having a narcissistic father I talked so much about, you know, I feel like I’ve talked about things, families, to death. And so there are several other past episodes you can listen to if you are dealing with toxic family members, the the death of my father, episode toxic family members going home for the holidays, episode. I mean, you could just go on the site and google google family talk about really talked about toxic family members a lot.
The financial abuse show is a good one.
I’m getting emotional, it’s
family stuff is really, really hard to navigate.
Because I know that all you want to do is belong. And all you want to do is be accepted. And when you when your family of origin doesn’t accept you.
It’s really difficult.
But sometimes it’s a blessing. I think I saw a meme recently that said, the black sheep of the family was used the the healthy one in the bunch. Sometimes you will you are the black sheep or you feel like you are the persecuted one in your family. It’s really just because you are healthy enough to see the bullshit and the dysfunction that exists around you. And you just you can’t be a part of that. I weep in my family system for my mom, my mom is really an outsider, of her her siblings and only because she didn’t engage in drugs, like she never used drugs doesn’t drink, she doesn’t smoke. So she was kind of like the outsider in the family, which is unfair. Like she had a life together, she she owns property, she’s always had a job. Like how is being a functioning functional member of society. A reason to be isolated from your family, like I’ll never get, but I understand why that happens. And it becomes very hurtful to feel like you’re outside of a family system. And so if you guys are going through this, if you’ve you’ve been in toxic family relationships, if you’re navigating toxic family relationships, I want you guys to say a prayer to me. Do a ritual of forgiveness. Forgive yourself for some of the things that you need to forgive yourself for and the part that you play and the relationship, build some boundaries on behaviors of what you will and will not accept, make amends where you need to make some phone calls and just check in with some family members at my art. I talk about my family so much in this damn show. But my mom is so mean to like the majority of my family, right? I don’t have a problem with our call her whenever sometimes just to check on her. Because sometimes I just want to have that family love and shadow shadow call me back on her. Like sometimes you have to you have to show up for a person in the way that you want them to show up for you just so that they know that that’s what you want. Like I had to learn to hug my mother. Mother wasn’t very all that touchy feely affectionate. Because I want to hurt to do it for me. Like it was very uncomfortable for me to say I love you to my mother. But it felt really good when I said it. And then I kept saying it and then I said it again. And I said it. And then she said it back. And for as crazy as my dad was like that wasn’t ever a thing. Oh, now I’m really getting emotional. I don’t even know if I’ve ever told my dad that I loved him. But he I know he said it to me on one one occasion.
I know that he also knew that I did.
Thursday 3pm black podcast Instagram page will be wearing our brand new my brand new garden therapy t my T shirt is my favorite laid on my Mei where another one
might wear another one.
Oh, I think about it. All right, I got two new t shirts that are coming to the site. Tell me where either one of those but we’ll see. We’ll see. And then on March 7, is the next time I’m going to be going live, I may have to go live earlier. Because I completely forgot I have a training at work. And so I have to go into my office in the city. So either I have to go live from the office in Manhattan or find a Starbucks or whatever to go live in. Which probably ain’t gonna happen because I’m a late bird. I’m gonna try to I’m definitely gonna have it. I just need to figure out how I’m gonna do it if I’m gonna go an hour earlier or? Yeah, I can do it later. I don’t know. I don’t remember how I said I was gonna do it. Oh, yes, I figured it out. Either I’m gonna go that so o’clock or I’m gonna have to go to the go to Manhattan and go in the office at three o’clock. And then we go live with three, but I’ll let you know how I worked that out. But me me Get in, get into work early is probably not really a real thing for training that I don’t even know what I don’t even know what the training is about. to be, to be honest, to be honest with you. So um, yeah. I appreciate you guys for listening. I appreciate you for supporting us, I cannot wait to talk to you on Thursday. If you listen to the live on Thursday, ask me a question questions submit them to my email address black directors podcast at gmail. com slash on MIZM just contact me let me know what you got going on. Because I would really appreciate having some feedback and doing these labs you guys know that I’m recording in my house or my office or whenever wherever I’m recording this can be very isolating It’s not like I get a lot of feedback so when we do the lives it’s really important that I know you guys are there and that you rocking with me it means a whole lot to me so I just wanted to make sure that we had I got some genuine feedback from you about what we’re doing there and also getting some feedback from you period about what what I got going on let me know let me know what you want us to be doing that we’re not doing let me know if there’s a training or there’s something a resource or whatever that you need that I having giving you how we can get better and grow because like I said that’s part of the process neither going to try or you’re going to not learn by either going to fail or you’re not going to learn your lessons so
really it. Thank you guys for listening to another episode of black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your hosts me Miss MS in IKA I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita in IKITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for get ideas please feel free to drop with the email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well