Is it a midlife crisis or what?

Is it a Midlife Crisis or What?

Is it a midlife crisis or what? Grief, Depression, Adjustment disorder oh my.. 

Learning to deal with your emotions while navigating life on life’s terms, is a everyday struggle.. 

For your therapist! 

A THERAPIST?!?!?

Yes

 Your therapist too… 

It’s important to honor and make space for your feeling especially when you do the work of helping others heal. 

Listen to find ways to protect your peace at the same time exploring your feelings… 



Finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is the new book by me Nikita banks, a licensed psychotherapist and life strategist, leverage the knowledge and you’ll receive in this book to help you with the process of obtaining absolute clarity. Through the use of Guided Self exploration. This process is necessary to help you master all your relationships in 2019 and beyond going amazon.com or black therapists podcast calm and grab your copy of the book guaranteed to help you redesign all your relationships based on two basic principle, health and happiness. Get your copy today. Welcome to the black therapist podcast. The black therapist podcast is podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of a face when dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. Now if you are new to our show, I am your host author a life strategist.
psychotherapist Nikita banks in private practice in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I am available for adult psychotherapy and coaching sessions. And you can find more information about that on my website Niki banks calm you can listen to our podcast everywhere podcasts are found Apple podcast Google Play YouTube, SoundCloud, pipper Stitcher, I Heart Radio and black therapists podcast com. If you are a mental health advocate or a therapist and you want to buy our podcast merchandise, you can do so by visiting our site. And if you want access to our free mental health tips, free online trainings, discount is selected selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy, all one word 266866 if you love the podcast, please like comment and share. We love to hear from you. And if you want to send me some feedback, guest suggestions or simply to say hey, you can contact us at our website, black therapists podcast.com
Please be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s Hey guys, welcome to another episode. Okay, so I have always been transparent on this show. And transparent in general, I kind of live my life as a semi open book. I have no problems or qualms talking about my feelings.
And so today will be no different. As I told you guys, last
while beginning of this year, had a rough time, I don’t want to keep going into it.
If you listen to the other shows, you will hear some of the things that I’ve been struggling with and dealing with
And so
I kind of feel like I’m
coming but not fully coming out of the fog that I’ve been in emotionally and I’m just trying to like, put words to it. So I’m going back to my therapist, which is something I generally do. Usually when you listen to other people’s problems, you’re supposed to have somebody to listen to yours. I speak often about being the strong one in my family circle in my friends circle in what I do for a living and so having having the option of having somebody asked me what
I’m feeling and how I’m doing unprompted is
It’s a it’s a godsend.
I’m at a point in my life where I just I’m overwhelmed.
And not for any apparent reason like I am not super organized, but I have enough organization to know exactly what I need to do. My brain clicks really easy. I can find holes in anybody’s business holes in my business, but I’ve just kind of been like the
feeling.
And for that the the week and a half I was in Africa week. I was in Africa for a week, or the week that I was in Africa. I really was feeling as if
I don’t know so I know that I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, which most people do. Just a lack of sunshine and lack of vitamin D I am black. If you haven’t heard, happy Black History Month.
So, black people in general, we sometimes lack vitamin D and I’ve noticed as a
as a therapist whenever I’m looking at my clients medications vitamin D is usually prescribed along with mental health meds and adult.
I was explained typing guys to see why
I was explained the reason
the reason that was because it helps with absorption of your mental health meds. But now I’m looking
at an article
that there is a link between vitamin D and depression and probably a lack of vitamin D.
Depression is leading cause of disability. yada yada. Treat me considerations
evidence base
nutritional recommendations for person with depression.
Okay, so I’m looking at the article, although vitamin D has recently gained widespread interest, little information relative to its impact on mental health disorders. Okay, I don’t know. I mean, I’m not saying that
this one article and it’s a pretty well sourced article from the NIH National Institute of Health I believe that that’s what it what it is.
What you is this because I almost don’t trust anything that comes out of this. Our government sorry, yeah. But um, yes from 20 2010. So I think I can understand it. But what I do know for a fact is as I’m going through the paperwork for a lot of my clients vitamin D is prescribed along with these medications.
Mental Health match. And hello. We generally feel better. I know from just the ebbs and flows of my business that during the summertime, people are more active. That means that they are outside more they’re exercising more there’s release of serotonin and dopamine mean, when you exercise you, there’s more sunshine, you can do fun things. You know, you’re more active. You’re not hibernating, you don’t have all these damn clothes on, like I do in the wintertime in New York City here. So I know that generally sadder in the winter term, which makes sense, right? But
I’m gonna actually read this article and I’m a quote from it later, but I don’t want to do that and talk to you guys. And so yeah, there’s a general lack of vitamin D that’s happening with me right now.
I have not been sleeping that well. Just be
Because I don’t know why when I first came back from Africa, I was sleeping really good for me I was up I was motivated, but I was also sick.
Really too, too much of anything, because I wasn’t feeling well. And then
you know, I’ve hit a certain age in
my last birthday. Nothing I’m ashamed of my ages really don’t talk about it a lot. But so now I’m going to all of these doctors and I’m relatively healthy, thank God, but there are all of these appointments that I have to make. Plus, I had changed my insurance. It seems like a whole lot of stuff about me, but anyway, I changed my shirt was towards the end of last year. And so there was some appointments that I had been putting off until the insurance kicked in. So now I have like 1008
doctors appointments that I have to do so yes.
Those things are just kind of overwhelming me.
And my son is moving. He got a job. He’s moving away from me.
My dog is older. So just kind of thinking in terms of the grief and the, the grief I’m already feeling in the grieving I’m already doing for my that passed away, but also grieving the, my son is moving and then thinking or having the fear that, you know, my son, my son, my dog is getting older. And I
kind of felt like I’m having a midlife crisis. Like I literally almost bought a BMW the other day. I was actually looking at Mazda rotties
I was like, holy shit, maybe this is a midlife crisis. So I spoke to my therapist, and I was, you know, he suggested that I did a show on whether or not
You know what depression looks like?
And I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, right? Like if a client came to me, with all of the collections of the things that I just told you right now shout out to you guys, therapists. If your therapists out there, you probably know what my diagnosis is, or what I’m about to say, my I think my diagnosis is, but if someone came to me, you know, grieving the loss of a loved one, so So, you know, soon as a month, I’m
having a child move away,
you know,
try to make career transitions that I am yet to announce because I’m yet to even really discover what they what they are. I just know I’m presented with a lot of different opportunities. And some of them I wanted to take and some of them I’m mulling over and some of them I’m thinking about. So just kind of having those things and deciding you know, now that my son is no longer going to be living with me.
New York what my life looks like post child. Right? And then thinking if I ever want to have any more children or if I want to get a new dog or if I
want to adopt or if I want to get a foster kid or if I want to move or if I want to move my practice or if like, if I want to buy a frickin mas herati I feel
crazy in the combis most
weird is sweat
because when I was anxious before I’ve had anxiety, right, so when I was anxious before I knew what that was, it was usually about insecurity like dealing with housing insecurity or financial insecurity or career instability or underemployment or unemployment.
But I have everything that I need.
So for me, it’s like getting more excited going harder is it’s about just being focused and executing the plans and the building on the foundations that I’ve already done. And
on the one hand, being terrified to pull the trigger on those things, but on the other hand, not allowing myself off the hook, to get the things that I need to get done, done, right, and having absolutely no excuse. I previously the excuses where I didn’t do, I got my kick, gotta get older and I got to have a little bit more flexibility at work, or I got to work all the time, or I need more money. Like none of those things are real for me right now. Those are not barriers. So it’s like okay, so what is really stopping you from getting the things that you want out of your life or executing the vision that you have for yourself right now? And I think for that it’s having that open space.
Opportunities is scaring the hell out of me to be honest. And so
yeah, I feel like I’m this is this is what
a midlife crisis is. But of course I’m, I’m kind of not old enough. I don’t feel to have a midlife crisis, but I’m definitely old enough to have a crisis.
And so
I’m not depressed. This is not what depression looks like, you know, there are certain diagnostic criteria for depression that I can email say to you guys, yes, I’m dealing with lack of motivation a little bit because my motivation is definitely coming back to me. My Mojo is coming back. Yes, I’m avoiding people and isolating a little bit, because I’m still, you know, showing up for places that I need to be. I’m still reading
out to friends who are reaching out to me. My friends had birthday parties, I’ve called everyone for their birthdays. I have an event that I have to do, you know, I’m planning on going to visit my family.
You know, thinking about going on another vacation. I think some vitamin D would really do me well. And so I think I’m pretty, okay. But I know that I’m shopping a lot, which is what I do when emotionally, I’m not good, right? And I’m shopping like stupidly, like, I’m buying a lot of things and then like returning stuff,
or hate trying on clothes at stores, I’m buying stuff. And then, you know, getting home and like, I don’t really like this and then taking it back like four days later. So that’s like my emotional labor that I’m doing to kind of keep myself busy and things but I haven’t really been speaking to a lot of the people that I usually speak to
and I’m honestly
sad about
I’m leaving and what that transition means for my life. And
yeah, I come excited and intellectually This is an amazing opportunity. And there are things that he can do independently financially that you know I love and I’ll get better gifts and the things that possibly we will be able to do together because he’ll have he’ll have some some independent income. And so I’m really looking forward to some of that stuff but just the unknown of like him leaving me and not coming back at the end of the semester. We’re not coming back for the summertime we’re not having time to come back and him building an independent life without me is scary a ship
have to be real. And then
you know as women
we
wrap a lot of identity into
The others that we serve. So for me, it’s my patients, my clients, my child, my dog. So to have older adult lives getting older, and to have a kid that’s leaving me. It’s, it’s, it’s kind of scary.
He’s laughing at something really loud in the room. I’m glad that he’s laughing at something early, I wanted to murder him, just FYI. So binoy He’s so annoying, but I’m like, Oh my God. I don’t want him
to go, but I don’t want him to go. And so
I realize that this is a adjustment disorder, and adjustment disorder really, truly I’ve talked about this 1,000,005 times and probably never used that term before. But an adjustment disorder is that there is a life,
stressor, change,
opportunity or something that we had to learn and navigate at least the
These changes could be good, bad. They could could be, you know,
astronomical changes but just changes that we now have feelings about and then we have to learn how to navigate those new feelings to to bring our emotional balance into equilibrium. And so yeah, that’s where I am right now I know that this is an adjustment that I have to make some adjustment in my life changes is one thing that is going to always happen, you know, the earth has rotated on its axis. Since I started speaking, the time has changed.
My nails are growing.
Like my cells are moving and changing in my body and turning over so good. This is not something I can control change is that something we can control? But, you know, be able to be present with your feelings. When you feel
Dumb, be able to say to yourself, you know what, I don’t know how I feel about this, or I don’t feel about this, or I don’t like this or, you know, this makes them feel x, y, z, whatever it is to be able to honor that feeling when you feel it and sit in it at that moment. And so I don’t know, I just felt like it was kind of important for me to come on and talk about that.
All right.
So part of
what I had been doing to help me with this, I told you, I’m going back to therapy. I’m not taking any kind of psyche psychiatric medication. I haven’t taken any medication. I think I told you guys I tried medication was and the funny thing is I tried meds once years ago, and then I found the meds recently, man, I don’t know. I don’t think I threw him out. I think I just kept them just like keep them. But yeah, so I don’t need any any medication. I’m not like, clinically depressed or I don’t even think I make the
diagnostic criteria for actual depression but I do know this adjustment disorder but adjustment disorders like a catch all for anybody who’s having any kind of
mood disturbance
so
there’s that but part of what I’ve been doing I got sidetracked the second part of what I have been doing is
just following people online
I’m sorry if you guys follow me on Instagram you got if you you follow me on me my social media is shout out to you. Shout out to us. Usually I’m a lot more active on social media, but I haven’t been lately because I’ve been really trying to protect my
energy
and
I get a lot of have a lot of followers but I have a lot of get a lot of spam daily. That’s what
The easiest way to contact me and get a direct response from me is to send me an email. You can do that at Black therapists podcast at gmail. com. I’m usually really responsive. My phone numbers on the internet. I’m not my personal number, but the office numbers on the internet. So that’s that’s the thing. So I’m just kind of been not as social on social media as I used to be going live and checking in and stuff. But it’s really about protecting my energy. And for the most part, my Instagram family is really, really supportive. I don’t have a Facebook page. I do. I did have one that I ran a while back.
And so
I’ve just been following people on my personal Facebook page
and limiting contact with people.
A lot of my family and friends want treat their
And I just am not in an emotional place right now I can give away emotional labor. That’s not related to my job. It’s so strange. I have all of the patients in the world for my patients and my clients. I love to work and do what I do.
But, you know, for me, the struggle is just kind of getting up to get to the office, but when I’m in the office, I’m on fire. Things are normal. My intern is there. I feel like I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing. But it’s just getting there. And so, dealing with my family these days.
There was another death in my family recently, my uncle fincen.
So
yeah, it’s just it’s I’ve just kind of isolated myself from the things that I think are going to have the adverse
effect on my mental health right now.
And so
I kinda want to talk about the Gayle King, Kobe Bryant.
Snoop Dogg fiasco, it was on my mind to talk about it.
I thought I’d do a show about it. But I just I just don’t
have
tolerance for the complications and the emotional rollercoaster that I had to go through to speak on the disappointment and the abandonment of black women
in the, in the media, and
in relation to those cases. I mean, I’ll touch it, I’ll touch on a little bit out of it. So I’m of the generation who remembers when Kobe Bryant went to
The problem with brandy. And we know he didn’t end up with brandy, but I was kind of rooting for that good black love. And it wasn’t that I care that his wife was not black. But I think that we all kind of have a collective all man, we lost the go when that happens sometimes, right? And so
growing up in the in this time where
I remember
the incident or I didn’t really follow it completely, but I remember what my feelings were about the incident at the time was like, Damn, you know, these athletes, these guys, they really gotta do better. And it wasn’t really that I thought he had maybe sexually assaulted her was that there was a rape. And there was allegation, no complications of black men being in that opportunity being in that space, but it’s kind of like
You know, to quote Kanye when you get on leave, yes. Well, I go right. And so I kind of didn’t have that. But I was like, damn if Colby had sex with that, girl, why would he think he could get away with it? Like, what? Where’s his team? Where’s his family? Where’s, Where’s his mom at that they didn’t tell him the dangers of like,
going there on a sexual level not rape. Because I can’t say what happened. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t following the case. I wasn’t following the trial. It got thrown out. The woman didn’t want to testify. That was kind of the end of it for me. But I was I was profoundly disappointed in his choices.
And in the decades since then, he’s
done better. Right. He’s advocate for women’s sports. You know,
Black women play. He’s allied to women of color. His daughters are now women of color,
you know, part of his legacy. And so having him passed away in that way, was really sad. And I wasn’t in the emotional space even like cover it or talk about it or deal with it. I think it was it was great and sad that
black men had to learn to grieve in that way about it. And I think for a lot of men of color,
the grieving process is
it translates to anger. And so if you guys don’t know I am a Libra. Snoop is a Libra. I love the smoke. You know, I’ve hung out with him. A few days. We have a friend in common. I know his his
Security Guard. And he’s he’s the most respectful man that I’ve ever met in that environment. But he’s still like bitches ain’t shit. But hoes and tricks Snoop Dogg, right? And so I was kind of disappointed to see him as the mother of me the father of a young black girl and
a grandfather now, right even using the language that he used to disparage
Gayle King for the question that she asked me so Leslie, I did not watch the entire interview, but I think in order to judge it, you should judge it by watching the entire interview.
I got why everyone was hurt.
It’s possible that what she said was inappropriate. I only say it’s possible because I didn’t watch the entire interview. I did watch that snippet. I did feel
Bad for Lisa Leslie. I don’t think that that’s why she was there. She definitely didn’t want to disparage her friend. She was able to speak to her experience with Colby. And I felt like that’s what needed to be said. I think that her response to the question was the response that needed to be heard in that moment, which was, I think we all should move on from this. And if that one moment in time,
and that one error in judgment, you know, however you think of it, if you think of it as he sexually assaulted her, or if he just
went in a closed space, with a white woman, being a professional athlete, knowing that he’s a black man and knowing that he’s a target and knowing that what could happen in the space with what no other witnesses can be misconstrued into some
That would jeopardize my safety. He made a bad move and a bad choice. Right? If that’s all that happened, he has now since done better. And he has now since made different choices in his life that should be honored and should be the way that he’s honored. And regardless of the choices that this man made, who’s no longer here to talk about it? People have interviewed Colby Ryan over the last 20 years. I don’t really remember anybody else asking about the incident. I saw a few interviews with him recently where when when brought up, because you wouldn’t have the guts to bring that up to that man. Right. But if the the trajectory of his life showed that he made an error in judgment that he been corrected by his behavior, we should all move on. I think her response, although not the response that I wanted, I thought she should have went a little bit further with it. But the response that she gave was a perfect
And it was necessary.
I think we should have just left it alone.
I wish that Snoop didn’t say what he said. And he didn’t say it how he said it. Because, again, it makes
black women feel unsafe.
And it makes us feel unsupported. And it makes us feel like we can no longer depend on black men. And if that that narrative is tiring, and it’s exhausting.
And it’s sad and it’s traumatizing for black women to be out in the world
by themselves, like I had an incident that happened with my son and I today was something very new and dumb. But it left me with with the question
And that was damn like, I think he needs to. So as he starts to move into this next phase of his life as he’s moving out and he’ll be on his own, I think he needs to start asking himself.
How can I resolve this issue? If my mother doesn’t step up?
And that’s because I’ve been there, I’ll be there. But we as black women, we get tired of being the anchors
to nothing.
Right? In order to be an anchor, you have to be submerged. You have to be underwater. You don’t get to be on the yacht and flow, you are down. And that becomes
just using that metaphor. It’s a weight
that we sometimes don’t want to do by ourselves and it becomes emotionally exhausting. So I get
Why there’s disappointment around,
you know, Oprah and Russell Simmons documentary and
what Gayle King did with Kobe Bryant
in this interview, but speaking for Gail, she works for people
she works for she works for people. And that doesn’t mean that that’s an excuse. That doesn’t mean that she should not be held accountable. That doesn’t mean that her journalistic integrity should have should not have been questioned. That doesn’t mean that, you know, she should not have been taken to task about it, but to get death threats
that equal
that ankle, especially when we know that there was a safety issue with black women in this country anyway.
Because we expect black men to come to our
rescue
They often don’t show up Terry Crews.
They often don’t hold us down. They don’t they often don’t take our side.
And so it felt very discouraging so and I had to, like, unfollow and like block certain things. There was this black guy in like a political group that I’m in, kept posting open means and
Gayle King stuff, and it was a black woman. I was like, how is any of this goes back to history month? How is any of this taking us
forward? How does is any of this providing us with a space of unity?
how wet First of all, it’s not even the right place where this is this is a political world. What the hell is Oprah and Gayle got to do with politics?
Black women tearing other black women down to see black men Taryn, you know black women down it was kind of it was sad. It is sad to me.
It is sad.
Sad yo
and I’m tired of I’m tired of filling my mind and my space and my emotions and my
peace, my energy centers with sadness, I want to, I want to fill it with something else with love. I want to fill it with joy. I’m going to fill it with happiness. I’m going to fill it with things that I like. I’ve gotten really into
aroma therapy like I liked along with therapy before and I really like flowers but now I have like the Roma therapy pot where I bought like rolls.
essence, oh my god, first of all, I love roses. But I bought like rose essence and gardenia as a violet and I’m able to put it in. It just lights up in my whole house smells like flowers. It’s like a godsend to me.
But, you know, I want you guys to do whatever you need to do to protect your peace.
In these trying times, I know that we are spent, it’s an election year this election is sucky. We got to be active, we got to be ready to vote, we got to do it we got to do to use our voice and use our voice, use our voice and use our voice, use our voice and use our vote to help advance causes that are going to see success in our families and make a change in my life. I never really believed in politics, and how politics affected me until
this day news happened and I was like watching them make the stimulus. I was like, I
work and I was getting unemployment at the time and then they kept extending the stimulus bill. So it was like, more weeks that I would actually be able to get, you know, unemployment. And like it generally genuinely affected the finances of my household and I was actually able to keep myself and my family afloat until I found another job and opportunity just because the government decided to work on my behalf. That meant a lot to me. And and I’ve always I grew up in DC ethic. I told you guys this I went to school with Melanie Marshall Thurgood Marshall’s granddaughter, death. I grew up in DC I’m sorry. I went to high school in Virginia, Alexandria, Virginia, which is Nova Northern Virginia. So a lot of senators kids clarence thomas of down the street,
a lot of military.
So, politics was really something that I learned in high school.
When I went to live in Virginia, but before that probably wasn’t something I was socially engaged in, in New York and so
if you are listening to me, you know, I’m definitely going to talk a little bit more about politics not who you vote for or whatever who you who you support. But definitely talk about how you should be politically active and how you could use your voice, whether it’s with your mayor, whether it’s with your all demand whether it’s with your city council, whether it’s with
you know, the your state representatives, to get your interests hard.
And if you learn how to advocate for yourself, and your communities, you will be taken seriously like black women are out here we vote in and we are the ones to quote to. What is it called?
Whoo.
Whoo, we got a movie. For if you want
My vote in 2020.
Okay, and
I think it’s important that we, we start to have that discussion. We got to have it now because that’s what I’m trying to protect my energy, but it’s definitely a necessary discussion and a worthy discussion for us to talk about in the future. And I look forward to it. If you are a politician, or a political strategist, or a local
elected official, you work for an elected official, you want to come on to talk about that I will be more than then happy to have you on okay. And if you are a therapist, or a licensed mental health professional or a community activist, you want to be on the show, make sure you send us an email at Black therapists podcast at gmail. com. I’m coming out of my fog. I will be back with more interviews really, really so. I have a few of them scheduled
or one in particular, scheduled
I’m gonna get on the calendar. ASAP. If she’s listening, we had a little pre talk and he was like, Damn, I wish I was recording this. So I’m looking forward to being able to fit her back in my schedule. But Never you mind that. If you are listening and you want to be on the show and you feel like this is a good fit for you.
Send us an email and I look forward to connecting with you. Alright guys, if you still want to buy our T shirts and hoodies, they are available if you want to buy the book, it’s on Amazon for about another week
on Amazon, because I’m in the process of rebuilding some of the web stuff, something I want to do and launch within the next few weeks. And so I’m thinking about removing the book from Amazon to add it and sell it directly to my webs through my website so
but if you’re looking for finally happy seven steps to relationship that will not kill your joy and you are trying to get your love life in order
All of your relationships and beyond. In order for Valentine’s Day or for your New Year’s resolution, you want to get a jump on that. That may be a really great place to start because it has. It’s more of like a workbook, but it’s more of a narrative workbook where I tell you different stories and different things that I think that will help you be able to absorb the questions. And what I love about it is it’s a companion guide. It’s something that you can use along with your therapist, to help you navigate your relationships and figure out what you really want and what you don’t want, what you will tolerate what you won’t tolerate and to find out what the blockages and the barriers are for you to get into love.
life that you love. All right. Okay, take care.
Be well. Thank you guys for listening to another episode of black bear podcast. Once again. You can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on
Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss ms in ik I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and ik it a banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topics for Gift Ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapists podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

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Finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is the new book by me Nikita banks, a licensed psychotherapist and life strategist, leverage the knowledge and you’ll receive in this book to help you with the process of obtaining absolute clarity. Through the use of Guided Self exploration. This process is necessary to help you master all your relationships in 2019 and beyond going amazon.com or black therapists podcast calm and grab your copy of the book guaranteed to help you redesign all your relationships based on two basic principle, health and happiness. Get your copy today. Welcome to the black therapist podcast. The black therapist podcast is podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face when dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. Now if you are new to our show, I am your host author a life strategist.

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psychotherapist Nikita banks in private practice in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I am available for adult psychotherapy and coaching sessions. And you can find more information about that on my website Niki banks calm you can listen to our podcast everywhere podcasts are found Apple podcast Google Play YouTube, SoundCloud, pipper Stitcher, I Heart Radio and black therapists podcast com. If you are a mental health advocate or a therapist and you want to buy our podcast merchandise, you can do so by visiting our site. And if you want access to our free mental health tips, free online trainings, discount is selected selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy, all one word 266866 if you love the podcast, please like comment and share. We love to hear from you. And if you want to send me some feedback, guest suggestions or simply to say hey, you can contact us at our website, black therapists podcast.com

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Please be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s Hey guys, welcome to another episode. Okay, so I have always been transparent on this show. And transparent in general, I kind of live my life as a semi open book. I have no problems or qualms talking about my feelings.

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And so today will be no different. As I told you guys, last

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while beginning of this year, had a rough time, I don’t want to keep going into it.

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If you listen to the other shows, you will hear some of the things that I’ve been struggling with and dealing with

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And so

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I kind of feel like I’m

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coming but not fully coming out of the fog that I’ve been in emotionally and I’m just trying to like, put words to it. So I’m going back to my therapist, which is something I generally do. Usually when you listen to other people’s problems, you’re supposed to have somebody to listen to yours. I speak often about being the strong one in my family circle in my friends circle in what I do for a living and so having having the option of having somebody asked me what

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I’m feeling and how I’m doing unprompted is

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It’s a it’s a godsend.

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I’m at a point in my life where I just I’m overwhelmed.

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And not for any apparent reason like I am not super organized, but I have enough organization to know exactly what I need to do. My brain clicks really easy. I can find holes in anybody’s business holes in my business, but I’ve just kind of been like the

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feeling.

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And for that the the week and a half I was in Africa week. I was in Africa for a week, or the week that I was in Africa. I really was feeling as if

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I don’t know so I know that I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, which most people do. Just a lack of sunshine and lack of vitamin D I am black. If you haven’t heard, happy Black History Month.

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So, black people in general, we sometimes lack vitamin D and I’ve noticed as a

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as a therapist whenever I’m looking at my clients medications vitamin D is usually prescribed along with mental health meds and adult.

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I was explained typing guys to see why

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I was explained the reason

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the reason that was because it helps with absorption of your mental health meds. But now I’m looking

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at an article

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that there is a link between vitamin D and depression and probably a lack of vitamin D.

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Depression is leading cause of disability. yada yada. Treat me considerations

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evidence base

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nutritional recommendations for person with depression.

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Okay, so I’m looking at the article, although vitamin D has recently gained widespread interest, little information relative to its impact on mental health disorders. Okay, I don’t know. I mean, I’m not saying that

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this one article and it’s a pretty well sourced article from the NIH National Institute of Health I believe that that’s what it what it is.

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What you is this because I almost don’t trust anything that comes out of this. Our government sorry, yeah. But um, yes from 20 2010. So I think I can understand it. But what I do know for a fact is as I’m going through the paperwork for a lot of my clients vitamin D is prescribed along with these medications.

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Mental Health match. And hello. We generally feel better. I know from just the ebbs and flows of my business that during the summertime, people are more active. That means that they are outside more they’re exercising more there’s release of serotonin and dopamine mean, when you exercise you, there’s more sunshine, you can do fun things. You know, you’re more active. You’re not hibernating, you don’t have all these damn clothes on, like I do in the wintertime in New York City here. So I know that generally sadder in the winter term, which makes sense, right? But

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I’m gonna actually read this article and I’m a quote from it later, but I don’t want to do that and talk to you guys. And so yeah, there’s a general lack of vitamin D that’s happening with me right now.

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I have not been sleeping that well. Just be

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Because I don’t know why when I first came back from Africa, I was sleeping really good for me I was up I was motivated, but I was also sick.

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Really too, too much of anything, because I wasn’t feeling well. And then

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you know, I’ve hit a certain age in

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my last birthday. Nothing I’m ashamed of my ages really don’t talk about it a lot. But so now I’m going to all of these doctors and I’m relatively healthy, thank God, but there are all of these appointments that I have to make. Plus, I had changed my insurance. It seems like a whole lot of stuff about me, but anyway, I changed my shirt was towards the end of last year. And so there was some appointments that I had been putting off until the insurance kicked in. So now I have like 1008

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doctors appointments that I have to do so yes.

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Those things are just kind of overwhelming me.

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And my son is moving. He got a job. He’s moving away from me.

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My dog is older. So just kind of thinking in terms of the grief and the, the grief I’m already feeling in the grieving I’m already doing for my that passed away, but also grieving the, my son is moving and then thinking or having the fear that, you know, my son, my son, my dog is getting older. And I

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kind of felt like I’m having a midlife crisis. Like I literally almost bought a BMW the other day. I was actually looking at Mazda rotties

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I was like, holy shit, maybe this is a midlife crisis. So I spoke to my therapist, and I was, you know, he suggested that I did a show on whether or not

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You know what depression looks like?

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And I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, right? Like if a client came to me, with all of the collections of the things that I just told you right now shout out to you guys, therapists. If your therapists out there, you probably know what my diagnosis is, or what I’m about to say, my I think my diagnosis is, but if someone came to me, you know, grieving the loss of a loved one, so So, you know, soon as a month, I’m

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having a child move away,

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you know,

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try to make career transitions that I am yet to announce because I’m yet to even really discover what they what they are. I just know I’m presented with a lot of different opportunities. And some of them I wanted to take and some of them I’m mulling over and some of them I’m thinking about. So just kind of having those things and deciding you know, now that my son is no longer going to be living with me.

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New York what my life looks like post child. Right? And then thinking if I ever want to have any more children or if I want to get a new dog or if I

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want to adopt or if I want to get a foster kid or if I want to move or if I want to move my practice or if like, if I want to buy a frickin mas herati I feel

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crazy in the combis most

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weird is sweat

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because when I was anxious before I’ve had anxiety, right, so when I was anxious before I knew what that was, it was usually about insecurity like dealing with housing insecurity or financial insecurity or career instability or underemployment or unemployment.

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But I have everything that I need.

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So for me, it’s like getting more excited going harder is it’s about just being focused and executing the plans and the building on the foundations that I’ve already done. And

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on the one hand, being terrified to pull the trigger on those things, but on the other hand, not allowing myself off the hook, to get the things that I need to get done, done, right, and having absolutely no excuse. I previously the excuses where I didn’t do, I got my kick, gotta get older and I got to have a little bit more flexibility at work, or I got to work all the time, or I need more money. Like none of those things are real for me right now. Those are not barriers. So it’s like okay, so what is really stopping you from getting the things that you want out of your life or executing the vision that you have for yourself right now? And I think for that it’s having that open space.

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Opportunities is scaring the hell out of me to be honest. And so

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yeah, I feel like I’m this is this is what

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a midlife crisis is. But of course I’m, I’m kind of not old enough. I don’t feel to have a midlife crisis, but I’m definitely old enough to have a crisis.

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And so

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I’m not depressed. This is not what depression looks like, you know, there are certain diagnostic criteria for depression that I can email say to you guys, yes, I’m dealing with lack of motivation a little bit because my motivation is definitely coming back to me. My Mojo is coming back. Yes, I’m avoiding people and isolating a little bit, because I’m still, you know, showing up for places that I need to be. I’m still reading

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out to friends who are reaching out to me. My friends had birthday parties, I’ve called everyone for their birthdays. I have an event that I have to do, you know, I’m planning on going to visit my family.

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You know, thinking about going on another vacation. I think some vitamin D would really do me well. And so I think I’m pretty, okay. But I know that I’m shopping a lot, which is what I do when emotionally, I’m not good, right? And I’m shopping like stupidly, like, I’m buying a lot of things and then like returning stuff,

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or hate trying on clothes at stores, I’m buying stuff. And then, you know, getting home and like, I don’t really like this and then taking it back like four days later. So that’s like my emotional labor that I’m doing to kind of keep myself busy and things but I haven’t really been speaking to a lot of the people that I usually speak to

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and I’m honestly

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sad about

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I’m leaving and what that transition means for my life. And

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yeah, I come excited and intellectually This is an amazing opportunity. And there are things that he can do independently financially that you know I love and I’ll get better gifts and the things that possibly we will be able to do together because he’ll have he’ll have some some independent income. And so I’m really looking forward to some of that stuff but just the unknown of like him leaving me and not coming back at the end of the semester. We’re not coming back for the summertime we’re not having time to come back and him building an independent life without me is scary a ship

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have to be real. And then

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you know as women

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we

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wrap a lot of identity into

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The others that we serve. So for me, it’s my patients, my clients, my child, my dog. So to have older adult lives getting older, and to have a kid that’s leaving me. It’s, it’s, it’s kind of scary.

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He’s laughing at something really loud in the room. I’m glad that he’s laughing at something early, I wanted to murder him, just FYI. So binoy He’s so annoying, but I’m like, Oh my God. I don’t want him

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to go, but I don’t want him to go. And so

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I realize that this is a adjustment disorder, and adjustment disorder really, truly I’ve talked about this 1,000,005 times and probably never used that term before. But an adjustment disorder is that there is a life,

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stressor, change,

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opportunity or something that we had to learn and navigate at least the

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These changes could be good, bad. They could could be, you know,

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astronomical changes but just changes that we now have feelings about and then we have to learn how to navigate those new feelings to to bring our emotional balance into equilibrium. And so yeah, that’s where I am right now I know that this is an adjustment that I have to make some adjustment in my life changes is one thing that is going to always happen, you know, the earth has rotated on its axis. Since I started speaking, the time has changed.

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My nails are growing.

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Like my cells are moving and changing in my body and turning over so good. This is not something I can control change is that something we can control? But, you know, be able to be present with your feelings. When you feel

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Dumb, be able to say to yourself, you know what, I don’t know how I feel about this, or I don’t feel about this, or I don’t like this or, you know, this makes them feel x, y, z, whatever it is to be able to honor that feeling when you feel it and sit in it at that moment. And so I don’t know, I just felt like it was kind of important for me to come on and talk about that.

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All right.

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So part of

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what I had been doing to help me with this, I told you, I’m going back to therapy. I’m not taking any kind of psyche psychiatric medication. I haven’t taken any medication. I think I told you guys I tried medication was and the funny thing is I tried meds once years ago, and then I found the meds recently, man, I don’t know. I don’t think I threw him out. I think I just kept them just like keep them. But yeah, so I don’t need any any medication. I’m not like, clinically depressed or I don’t even think I make the

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diagnostic criteria for actual depression but I do know this adjustment disorder but adjustment disorders like a catch all for anybody who’s having any kind of

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mood disturbance

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so

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there’s that but part of what I’ve been doing I got sidetracked the second part of what I have been doing is

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just following people online

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I’m sorry if you guys follow me on Instagram you got if you you follow me on me my social media is shout out to you. Shout out to us. Usually I’m a lot more active on social media, but I haven’t been lately because I’ve been really trying to protect my

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energy

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and

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I get a lot of have a lot of followers but I have a lot of get a lot of spam daily. That’s what

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The easiest way to contact me and get a direct response from me is to send me an email. You can do that at Black therapists podcast at gmail. com. I’m usually really responsive. My phone numbers on the internet. I’m not my personal number, but the office numbers on the internet. So that’s that’s the thing. So I’m just kind of been not as social on social media as I used to be going live and checking in and stuff. But it’s really about protecting my energy. And for the most part, my Instagram family is really, really supportive. I don’t have a Facebook page. I do. I did have one that I ran a while back.

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And so

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I’ve just been following people on my personal Facebook page

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and limiting contact with people.

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A lot of my family and friends want treat their

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And I just am not in an emotional place right now I can give away emotional labor. That’s not related to my job. It’s so strange. I have all of the patients in the world for my patients and my clients. I love to work and do what I do.

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But, you know, for me, the struggle is just kind of getting up to get to the office, but when I’m in the office, I’m on fire. Things are normal. My intern is there. I feel like I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing. But it’s just getting there. And so, dealing with my family these days.

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There was another death in my family recently, my uncle fincen.

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So

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yeah, it’s just it’s I’ve just kind of isolated myself from the things that I think are going to have the adverse

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effect on my mental health right now.

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And so

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I kinda want to talk about the Gayle King, Kobe Bryant.

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Snoop Dogg fiasco, it was on my mind to talk about it.

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I thought I’d do a show about it. But I just I just don’t

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have

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tolerance for the complications and the emotional rollercoaster that I had to go through to speak on the disappointment and the abandonment of black women

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in the, in the media, and

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in relation to those cases. I mean, I’ll touch it, I’ll touch on a little bit out of it. So I’m of the generation who remembers when Kobe Bryant went to

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The problem with brandy. And we know he didn’t end up with brandy, but I was kind of rooting for that good black love. And it wasn’t that I care that his wife was not black. But I think that we all kind of have a collective all man, we lost the go when that happens sometimes, right? And so

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growing up in the in this time where

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I remember

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the incident or I didn’t really follow it completely, but I remember what my feelings were about the incident at the time was like, Damn, you know, these athletes, these guys, they really gotta do better. And it wasn’t really that I thought he had maybe sexually assaulted her was that there was a rape. And there was allegation, no complications of black men being in that opportunity being in that space, but it’s kind of like

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You know, to quote Kanye when you get on leave, yes. Well, I go right. And so I kind of didn’t have that. But I was like, damn if Colby had sex with that, girl, why would he think he could get away with it? Like, what? Where’s his team? Where’s his family? Where’s, Where’s his mom at that they didn’t tell him the dangers of like,

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going there on a sexual level not rape. Because I can’t say what happened. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t following the case. I wasn’t following the trial. It got thrown out. The woman didn’t want to testify. That was kind of the end of it for me. But I was I was profoundly disappointed in his choices.

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And in the decades since then, he’s

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done better. Right. He’s advocate for women’s sports. You know,

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Black women play. He’s allied to women of color. His daughters are now women of color,

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you know, part of his legacy. And so having him passed away in that way, was really sad. And I wasn’t in the emotional space even like cover it or talk about it or deal with it. I think it was it was great and sad that

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black men had to learn to grieve in that way about it. And I think for a lot of men of color,

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the grieving process is

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it translates to anger. And so if you guys don’t know I am a Libra. Snoop is a Libra. I love the smoke. You know, I’ve hung out with him. A few days. We have a friend in common. I know his his

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Security Guard. And he’s he’s the most respectful man that I’ve ever met in that environment. But he’s still like bitches ain’t shit. But hoes and tricks Snoop Dogg, right? And so I was kind of disappointed to see him as the mother of me the father of a young black girl and

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a grandfather now, right even using the language that he used to disparage

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Gayle King for the question that she asked me so Leslie, I did not watch the entire interview, but I think in order to judge it, you should judge it by watching the entire interview.

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I got why everyone was hurt.

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It’s possible that what she said was inappropriate. I only say it’s possible because I didn’t watch the entire interview. I did watch that snippet. I did feel

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Bad for Lisa Leslie. I don’t think that that’s why she was there. She definitely didn’t want to disparage her friend. She was able to speak to her experience with Colby. And I felt like that’s what needed to be said. I think that her response to the question was the response that needed to be heard in that moment, which was, I think we all should move on from this. And if that one moment in time,

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and that one error in judgment, you know, however you think of it, if you think of it as he sexually assaulted her, or if he just

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went in a closed space, with a white woman, being a professional athlete, knowing that he’s a black man and knowing that he’s a target and knowing that what could happen in the space with what no other witnesses can be misconstrued into some

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That would jeopardize my safety. He made a bad move and a bad choice. Right? If that’s all that happened, he has now since done better. And he has now since made different choices in his life that should be honored and should be the way that he’s honored. And regardless of the choices that this man made, who’s no longer here to talk about it? People have interviewed Colby Ryan over the last 20 years. I don’t really remember anybody else asking about the incident. I saw a few interviews with him recently where when when brought up, because you wouldn’t have the guts to bring that up to that man. Right. But if the the trajectory of his life showed that he made an error in judgment that he been corrected by his behavior, we should all move on. I think her response, although not the response that I wanted, I thought she should have went a little bit further with it. But the response that she gave was a perfect

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And it was necessary.

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I think we should have just left it alone.

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I wish that Snoop didn’t say what he said. And he didn’t say it how he said it. Because, again, it makes

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black women feel unsafe.

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And it makes us feel unsupported. And it makes us feel like we can no longer depend on black men. And if that that narrative is tiring, and it’s exhausting.

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And it’s sad and it’s traumatizing for black women to be out in the world

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by themselves, like I had an incident that happened with my son and I today was something very new and dumb. But it left me with with the question

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And that was damn like, I think he needs to. So as he starts to move into this next phase of his life as he’s moving out and he’ll be on his own, I think he needs to start asking himself.

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How can I resolve this issue? If my mother doesn’t step up?

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And that’s because I’ve been there, I’ll be there. But we as black women, we get tired of being the anchors

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to nothing.

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Right? In order to be an anchor, you have to be submerged. You have to be underwater. You don’t get to be on the yacht and flow, you are down. And that becomes

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just using that metaphor. It’s a weight

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that we sometimes don’t want to do by ourselves and it becomes emotionally exhausting. So I get

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Why there’s disappointment around,

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you know, Oprah and Russell Simmons documentary and

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what Gayle King did with Kobe Bryant

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in this interview, but speaking for Gail, she works for people

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she works for she works for people. And that doesn’t mean that that’s an excuse. That doesn’t mean that she should not be held accountable. That doesn’t mean that her journalistic integrity should have should not have been questioned. That doesn’t mean that, you know, she should not have been taken to task about it, but to get death threats

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that equal

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that ankle, especially when we know that there was a safety issue with black women in this country anyway.

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Because we expect black men to come to our

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rescue

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They often don’t show up Terry Crews.

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They often don’t hold us down. They don’t they often don’t take our side.

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And so it felt very discouraging so and I had to, like, unfollow and like block certain things. There was this black guy in like a political group that I’m in, kept posting open means and

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Gayle King stuff, and it was a black woman. I was like, how is any of this goes back to history month? How is any of this taking us

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forward? How does is any of this providing us with a space of unity?

32:47
how wet First of all, it’s not even the right place where this is this is a political world. What the hell is Oprah and Gayle got to do with politics?

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Black women tearing other black women down to see black men Taryn, you know black women down it was kind of it was sad. It is sad to me.

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It is sad.

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Sad yo

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and I’m tired of I’m tired of filling my mind and my space and my emotions and my

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peace, my energy centers with sadness, I want to, I want to fill it with something else with love. I want to fill it with joy. I’m going to fill it with happiness. I’m going to fill it with things that I like. I’ve gotten really into

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aroma therapy like I liked along with therapy before and I really like flowers but now I have like the Roma therapy pot where I bought like rolls.

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essence, oh my god, first of all, I love roses. But I bought like rose essence and gardenia as a violet and I’m able to put it in. It just lights up in my whole house smells like flowers. It’s like a godsend to me.

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But, you know, I want you guys to do whatever you need to do to protect your peace.

34:20
In these trying times, I know that we are spent, it’s an election year this election is sucky. We got to be active, we got to be ready to vote, we got to do it we got to do to use our voice and use our voice, use our voice and use our voice, use our voice and use our vote to help advance causes that are going to see success in our families and make a change in my life. I never really believed in politics, and how politics affected me until

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this day news happened and I was like watching them make the stimulus. I was like, I

35:00
work and I was getting unemployment at the time and then they kept extending the stimulus bill. So it was like, more weeks that I would actually be able to get, you know, unemployment. And like it generally genuinely affected the finances of my household and I was actually able to keep myself and my family afloat until I found another job and opportunity just because the government decided to work on my behalf. That meant a lot to me. And and I’ve always I grew up in DC ethic. I told you guys this I went to school with Melanie Marshall Thurgood Marshall’s granddaughter, death. I grew up in DC I’m sorry. I went to high school in Virginia, Alexandria, Virginia, which is Nova Northern Virginia. So a lot of senators kids clarence thomas of down the street,

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a lot of military.

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So, politics was really something that I learned in high school.

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When I went to live in Virginia, but before that probably wasn’t something I was socially engaged in, in New York and so

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if you are listening to me, you know, I’m definitely going to talk a little bit more about politics not who you vote for or whatever who you who you support. But definitely talk about how you should be politically active and how you could use your voice, whether it’s with your mayor, whether it’s with your all demand whether it’s with your city council, whether it’s with

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you know, the your state representatives, to get your interests hard.

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And if you learn how to advocate for yourself, and your communities, you will be taken seriously like black women are out here we vote in and we are the ones to quote to. What is it called?

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Whoo.

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Whoo, we got a movie. For if you want

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My vote in 2020.

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Okay, and

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I think it’s important that we, we start to have that discussion. We got to have it now because that’s what I’m trying to protect my energy, but it’s definitely a necessary discussion and a worthy discussion for us to talk about in the future. And I look forward to it. If you are a politician, or a political strategist, or a local

37:27
elected official, you work for an elected official, you want to come on to talk about that I will be more than then happy to have you on okay. And if you are a therapist, or a licensed mental health professional or a community activist, you want to be on the show, make sure you send us an email at Black therapists podcast at gmail. com. I’m coming out of my fog. I will be back with more interviews really, really so. I have a few of them scheduled

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or one in particular, scheduled

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I’m gonna get on the calendar. ASAP. If she’s listening, we had a little pre talk and he was like, Damn, I wish I was recording this. So I’m looking forward to being able to fit her back in my schedule. But Never you mind that. If you are listening and you want to be on the show and you feel like this is a good fit for you.

38:20
Send us an email and I look forward to connecting with you. Alright guys, if you still want to buy our T shirts and hoodies, they are available if you want to buy the book, it’s on Amazon for about another week

38:33
on Amazon, because I’m in the process of rebuilding some of the web stuff, something I want to do and launch within the next few weeks. And so I’m thinking about removing the book from Amazon to add it and sell it directly to my webs through my website so

38:53
but if you’re looking for finally happy seven steps to relationship that will not kill your joy and you are trying to get your love life in order

39:00
All of your relationships and beyond. In order for Valentine’s Day or for your New Year’s resolution, you want to get a jump on that. That may be a really great place to start because it has. It’s more of like a workbook, but it’s more of a narrative workbook where I tell you different stories and different things that I think that will help you be able to absorb the questions. And what I love about it is it’s a companion guide. It’s something that you can use along with your therapist, to help you navigate your relationships and figure out what you really want and what you don’t want, what you will tolerate what you won’t tolerate and to find out what the blockages and the barriers are for you to get into love.

39:44
life that you love. All right. Okay, take care.

39:49
Be well. Thank you guys for listening to another episode of black bear podcast. Once again. You can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on

40:00
Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss ms in ik I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and ik it a banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topics for Gift Ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapists podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

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