Making space for your own grief when you are the strong one! 7 stages of grief paying it forward and being a blessing where you are to someone this holiday season!

Making space for your own grief when you are the strong one!

Making space for your own grief when you are the strong one!

7 stages of grief paying it forward and being a blessing where you are to someone this holiday season!

Thank you to everyone who contributed to our 6th annual toy drive! Benefiting Food First Inc.


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Finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is the new book by me Nikita Banks, a licensed psychotherapist and life strategist, leverage the knowledge and you’ll receive in this book to help you with the process of obtaining absolute clarity. Through the use of Guided Self exploration. This process is necessary to help you master all your relationships in 2019 and beyond going amazon.com or black therapists podcast calm and grab your copy of the book guaranteed to help you redesign all your relationships based on two basic principle, health and happiness. Get your copy today. Welcome to the black therapist podcast. The black therapist podcast is podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face with dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. Now if you are new to our show, I am your host author a life strategist. psychotherapist Nikita Banks in private practice in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I am available for adult psychotherapy and coaching sessions. And you can find more information about that on my website Nikita Banks calm you can listen to our podcast everywhere podcasts are found

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Apple podcast, Google Play

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YouTube, SoundCloud, pipper Stitcher, I Heart Radio and black therapists podcast com if you are a mental health advocate or a therapist and you want to buy our podcast merchandise, you can do so by visiting our site. And if you want access to our free mental health tips, free online trainings, discount is selected selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy, all one word 266866 if you love the podcast, please like comment and share. We love to hear from you. And if you want to send me some feedback, guest suggestions or simply to say hey, you can contact us at our website, black therapists podcast.com Please be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go. Hey, hey, hey. Oh my gosh, I’m,

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I’m tired.

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I hope you guys are listening to this in the daytime. I’m recording it at night time. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’ve been trying to hold it together and like be a good sport.

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I want to try to give you guys another

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show. Maybe two

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before the end of the year, but I’m exhausted lately. I think I told you guys last week. I’m trying to y’all know I try to count moms. I think I told you guys on the last episode that I had a death. Really good friend of mine died.

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Shout out to Vernard

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Poohman Lawhorn.

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If you’ve been in Brooklyn, are

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you from Brooklyn the you know that we’re really tight knit

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family doesn’t

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feel like it like, okay, so I lived in bed staff in charge of my childhood, but I kind of lived all

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over Brooklyn, which is not like,

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it’s not really a thing that people do in Brooklyn like you you pick your side. I’m from Bed Stuy rapid start it is what it is. But most of my dirt I didn’t flat, most of it. Right. And so, you know, me having the option of not going to high school in New York, so I went to high school in Alexandria, Virginia when I moved back to New York with my high school diploma. I was Wow for the night, so it was like running the streets. I partied a hung out. And so, you know, meeting point, man, I was calling by his real name, but I think I’ve just found out his real name, you know, at the services, but like, you know, knowing him over, damn past 20 Plus, my son, my kid is 22 so I’ve probably had to meet him a long time. Go. Gosh, when I was 18 I met them. And so, you know, just knowing him over 20 plus years has been a pleasure. But you know, when you love somebody, and you know, the people that you know that know them love that person, but you don’t know how deep and how far and how wide that love goes. And so, you know, this over the last week of going to his

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services,

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it just was, it was is really like a flappers reunion. I always I always, like joke that New York is like a big old Brooklyn. Brooklyn is like a big old high school. And I know people outside of Brooklyn, but we wrap our neighbors really really, really, really, really tough. And so for me to have been able to like, you know, gone to Bed Stuy and like, hang out in Flatbush and like, go to East New York and like go to Brownsville. And like be in Williamsburg. Not a lot and definitely you know be and when it when it Bushwick be in Bushwick because I lived on the border like Bed Stuy and Bushwick, so I kind of got that that twofer. And so being from all of those neighborhoods, and being able to like go in all of those neighborhoods would be good in every hood that I went to. I was like a rarity for me, and especially for girls. I’m in had never had like a reputation like a bad one. People knew who I was by sight. They may have known my name. But like my son’s dad said, Oh, I don’t trust you. I don’t know what you out there doing battle never heard anything about you. And I was like, that’s the point Yo, if there are no witnesses, there’s no crimes. But like being being added services and going to see how everybody loved them, he had that same exact love, you know, having the services in Flatbush and seeing everybody from all over Brooklyn come out and show him love. Like the church was

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packed

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to the gills standing room only. It felt like a high school reunion. It felt like going home. It felt like love. And it was so crazy because I wasn’t going to go to the repast which was the next day but I was like dad, you know if anybody deserves a real celebration, Love Life and a party. It was him and so definitely going to be missed by everybody who knew him, definitely by me. And so just to kind of have him pass be

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to die.

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Suddenly, last week was a lot. But as I’m recovering from that passing, I found out yesterday that someone else I know, passed away. So shout out to George Harris and so crazy as I still remember the day, me and George probably when I was like 1819 downtown in Macy’s, Brooklyn doing I was up to no good and I’m gonna leave it at that. Met George and I was just like, shell shocked. George has always been a fashion guy. He’s always been like, fly and you know as the legend goes, because I don’t remember what I had on but they would always say Yo you had on like a hockey jersey like the first person to ever see to wear like a hockey jersey before Mary J Blige before any of them people that were back in the days and I had on my hockey jersey down downtown. And I want to sack got that hot pot riata hockey jersey, the day before I got it from Macy’s downtown Brooklyn, I remember that night and pay for it and we’re gonna leave it at that was a long time ago. And so to see that to come home, recovering from you know, going to post services and then coming home to that I was just like, God, I’m drained and I needed to stop over the last since October since since since Halloween. Like I’ve been surrounded by people who have had real significant losses, my friend. You know, this is his chance. son’s mother and her, you know, new fiance was murdered in front of their children had dealing with clients who had, you know, family members multiple killed come to find out last week. I mean, as I was at the services for pool, you know, someone else said I grew up with gotcha got shot Mike right after I saw him. And so being a therapist and making space for other people who are sad when you are sad is a really difficult thing to do. And so I’m grateful to be able to structure my day in my life around my mode and have money that my bills will be paid and do exactly what I needed to do today. I had to like gather myself and be like, All right, I’m gonna go to work and see my patients so that I can have a lighter week for the rest of the week. And I’m taking a week off for Christmas. So I don’t know if they will or will not be a show. Though in the week between Christmas and New Year’s probably will try to do a show. But yeah, I need some time off and I have a vacation coming up in the first of the year, which I’m hoping will be a real vacation because I’m going to Africa for the first time visiting the continent, so very excited about that to to spend some time with some friends. For their wedding. I’m my friend Monique is getting married. And so I’m trying my best to be burnt out. And as I told you, I’ve kind of been neglecting my health a little bit and I’ve been a little lackadaisical ones on some aspects of my my business because when you’re doing this that in the third, me trying to be everything to everybody, you don’t take the time to like put your own mask on and

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be in tune with what you need and a lot of what I’m dealing with in my practice, and in my personal life with my friends who have either gone through this and like, you know, even now in the grief cycle of all of the friends that I know who knows the people who pass away or passed away recently, like some of those people are looking towards me, because they know what I do. And they’re assuming, I would assume that this is what being a miss minister would be like in this position where people would just assume that you know, the right thing to say and the right thing to do. And I’m like, I want to deal with your grief. But I don’t want to be a professional right now. I just want to be somebody who lost my friend. I just want to get a hug and like somebody to pat me on my back and told me that everything is going to be alright right now. I don’t want to be the one to have to give in this moment. And I think sometimes being selfish in your own grief is necessary. And I’ve been trying to convince that to some of the friends that I have around me, it feels like everyone around me has lost somebody. And so in the moments where I have, you know, usual people that I can go to and be like, Oh my god, I’m sad, I’m going through this, I’m, I’ve lost, I am lost, I feel lost, I have lost someone, not having that person around you or having that person that that checks in when you have that person that you can go to is has been really difficult. But like I said, everybody around me is dealing with this. And then there are the folks that are around me, whether in my practice or outside of my practice in my personal life who’ve been dealing with this where they’ve lost children. I don’t, I can’t even begin to like know where to create a dialogue. That could even be helpful. And so this week, I’m going to just jump right into it.

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The

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stages of grief because I know that it may be helpful for someone to hear if they are going through this right now. Scott will probably be a short show of other things that I want to get to. Definitely thank you for the people who have supported my toy drive this year. And I’m going to give you guys shout outs at the end of the show. I really wanted to do that at the beginning of the show, but I’m like, I’m in my feelings. So you have to like, excuse me, shock and denial is the first stage of grief and that’s really where I am right now. Just you know, feeling numb in not believing that the person isn’t in the physical anymore. You know, denying reality of the loss at some level in order to avoid pain shock, provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once and that that kind of may last for weeks and with me when I lost my father I, I kind of built in some protection for and I told this to my son like, you know, there’s a reason that I didn’t identify my dad’s body and why I refuse to look at him and why he I had him cremated number one, I paid for it. So I had the right to do whatever I wanted to do with them. Number two, he and I had already discussed what plans he had for his death. And he had already already told me to do whatever I didn’t want it to do with him and his remains and do it the cheapest expeditious way possible. That’s not exactly what he said. Basically, he told me to get a hefty bag and throw him by the side of the road, but clearly, that’s not a real thing. So um, yeah, I’ve tricked myself into thinking that my father is not dead, because I never saw a body and it was just kind of, it’s the way that I can process it in my mind to like that he’s not here. But he’s

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still here.

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Pain and guilt as shock, the shock wears off his replace with the suffering of unbelievable pain although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. Um I’m not really sure if everybody feels pain and guilt or pain or guilt. I don’t think you need to have both.

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But

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I think it really depends on your relationship with the person. And I think it depends on your level of peace and being in good standing so with me and my dad, and I can only really talk about my father passing away as like a major significant death to me is the closer This person that I ever knew who passed away outside of my cousin Michelle, who was my best friend and I did have pain when the both of them passed away I did not have any guilt. I wasn’t guilty I didn’t feel guilty so I don’t know if that’s a that’s a thing that people have I think depending on the circumstances you may have to deal with that. says you may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved ones. life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. I guess. So with Michelle when right before she passed away, hope I’m not bringing you guys down talking about death. If some of you guys are going through this, you it may be helpful for you to hear. I think I’m just trying to like rationalize what I’m feeling and like trying to get into My own feelings right now. Because I kind of I feel numb, like at put me at services, I was just like going through the motions of like one minute, feeling happy that I was around all of my friends and that everybody came through and I was just riding the wave of the love that everybody had for him and how we all love each other. But I was also filled with sadness, knowing that it would probably take another funeral in order for me to see a lot of these people again, it also made me feel sad that I know that I probably won’t see them. Again, some of them like that was just kind of like a never gonna see again. Then they were like, you know, reality TV stars and rappers and like family members and like celebrity DJ that were there and I was like, Hey, I can speak to that. Maybe I won’t see I won’t say I won’t see them again. As I’ve seen I’m like, a lot, but like there were other people there that I got to see and talk to that I may not have a chance to speak to every day. Um, but yeah,

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then I was crying.

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And then I was like running in the bathroom because I was crying and nobody else was crying and then I broke my nail like it was a lot going on. So I just feel like I want to kind of like process my feelings and I felt like it was it was I was okay. With everything that transpired I wished I could remember the last time he and I spoke although I am calling my name out loud and yelling at me for not coming to one of the events that he had and just kind of feeling like all right, I’m processing that loss and then to come home the within 24 hours hearing that another one of my friends passed away. For like the same thing. You know, diabetes is killing us like what we’re eating is killing us. Not taking care of ourselves is killing us it’s just like crazy. So I will not bring you down but just dealing with my feelings right now. The third stage is anger and bargaining frustration gives away to to anger you may lash out and they unwarranted blame for the death on on someone else. Please try to control this as permanent damage to your relationships may result this is the time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning why me? Why them Why us? He tried to bargain in vain with the powers that be far away out of your despair. I will never drink again. If you just bring him back. I will never do this if you bring them back. If you take this pain away from me, you know, I’ll be a better person. Anger and bargaining is not really anger is something that I see though, man there’s anytime there’s a funeral at my in my family. There’s always a fight. I don’t think I’ve ever been outside of this one here. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a funeral where there hasn’t been a fight or like bad behavior. Or somebody is not cursed out my family so strange. There’s a death in my family usually where we’re laughing, and joking. So the way we deal with it is,

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anger makes most of us.

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Now we like being angry. Same anger makes most of us uncomfortable, when uncomfortable feelings make most of us uncomfortable. The fourth stage is depression, reflection and loneliness. So just we your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely take over you This is no normal stages of grief. So do not be talked out of it by well meaning outside as encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving during this side. This time you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss and it depresses you you You may isolate yourself on purpose. Reflect on things you did with the love your loved one and focus on memories of the past you may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. I know for a lot of parents that I’ve counseled who have lost children, this is the hardest time for them, they feel really, really guilty that they have other living children that they should be taken care of. They feel really, really bad that everybody else is getting on with their lives and they feel like they should be getting over it. Oh, it’s been a year since you know so and so passed away. I feel like I should be getting, you know, getting better, but I don’t feel any better. And then I don’t want to be around people who are I guess this is the guilty party. I don’t want to be around people who who are happy and then I’m happy for a moment and then I think to myself was I’m no longer sad about losing, you know, whoever my loved one is, do I not miss them and then you feel guilty and then The guilt makes you feel sad all over again. And it’s it’s really just a death of a dream of the time that you spend with them. But I also believe that

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that Okay, so yeah, there is a guilt.

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I also think that that guilty part that a lot of people feel that is never ever talked about is really just us missing the person and one needs to be here. I’m really sad that my friend George is no longer here. He’s a really, really good person. And but he suffered a long time with diabetes, he had a lot of health issues. And so part of me wants to just be like, I’m glad he’s no longer suffering. But I cannot imagine living in a world where I won’t see a smile again. I can’t imagine not speaking to him again. And as we get older, like it’s it’s part of life is that thing that we were like, Damn, I’m never gonna see these people again, like go outside and never come home. It’s a very scary thought I’m not afraid of death of my own. And I’m definitely afraid to be left behind by somebody that I love and not being able to deal with the emotions of it. And not being able to not be consumed by the grief of the loss. Think that’s a real fear for me. I can’t imagine mothers who lose children and I don’t even want to like wrap my brain around that because I don’t think the data sadness, a level of sadness that I can ever come back from. So I think a lot of that guilt that comes for most of us is just when we knew I loved ones suffered a lot,

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just missing them. And when my cousin who Michelle, who was my best friend when she died, I remember in the weeks before she passed away, she had a really long illness. And she caught me randomly and by mistake and she was like, Well, what happened was I’ll just start with story. My sister was at my house that was And oh, I guess I did deal with grief. Yeah, I mean guilt.

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What happened was is we

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so she had decided that we

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booked two weeks before she passed away or however long it was before she went in the hospital the final time that we would all go to see the the go to Universal circus, right? And so she got tickets for everybody to go, I have no idea why. So everybody went, except for me because my son, and his school had tickets to go the following week.

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And so

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I was trying to talk her out of going that way, because I’m like, why would you want to go this week? Go, let’s go next week, wherever and she was like, Nope, I’m going this week. So I was like, I’m not going because I already have tickets. And what ended up happening was everyone went to the circus but me and my son, but I went over the house before they went to the circus. So I got this Everybody before they went, I just didn’t physically go to a circus with them. And so my sister didn’t live in New York at the time. She had come up to New York, the kids, they all went to the circus. I didn’t go.

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My cousin called me

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on the phone. I feel like I’m telling two different stories. My cousin called me on the phone who’s Michelle? And she was like, I, she, she was looking for my sister, and I was like, she’s not here. And she was like, she’s, I didn’t call you I’m telling this all wrong. I think I’m in my feelings. Let me gather my so what happened was, is that my phone ring? I didn’t answer it in time. I start 16 I actually have to start 69 but I start 69 right, but I could see on the caller ID that she called. When I saw because she called the house phone when I doubted back 69 or however I did it. She Answer the phone and she was out of it. And when she answered the phone, I said, She’s not here because as soon as she just was looking for my sister She left

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already. She’s not here and she was like, cool.

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And I said, you know, my sister’s name? What do you mean? Who she’s not here? She’s not here. You just called me and she was like, I didn’t call you and I was like, yesterday, did you just call me? And she was like, I didn’t and I was like, are you okay? And she said, No. And as I’m coming to get you and I remember studying for a test, but I packed her I got up, I went to her house, packed our kids up, put them in the car, drop them off to my cousin’s house, and I took us in hospital and as remember laying in the hospital bed with her with her insane It’s okay. If you don’t if you don’t want to be here anymore. I’m going to miss you. I just kept saying over and over and over again. And I can say I’m not I don’t know what I’m going to do when you’re gone. Like I can’t, like I like you can’t really, I know you can’t stay for me. But you can’t leave me without saying to her as like a very selfish and self aware in the moment about like, you can’t stay for me but but I don’t want you to leave me. And so

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what happened in the weeks prior to that

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she and I had got she was sick at another time. And we were talking and she was like, I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. And I was like, go to sleep. And she was like, No, I’m tired. And I was like, What you mean you tired? And she was like, I’m tired. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of doing this. And I was like, I’m not gonna lie to you. I don’t know what you’re going through. But I love you. As you said, I know. I said I’m tired. I remember telling her I loved her, and that I can’t hold her. And that, but it would be selfish of me to want her to stay for me, but I wanted her to speak for me. And that, you know, we will fully live in God. And if she believed that God could take the pain away from her, I wanted God to take the pain away from her. And I said, if you are ready, and you’re you’re preparing to transition, then let’s make peace with that. I was a young too, when we had this conversation, but I just kept saying, I love you. I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you. And it was kind of like, I lost my dad. My dad was hard, but it was sudden, like, I know, I didn’t prepare to lose my father. So I just had to deal with them at that time not being here. But I was acutely aware when my cousin passed away. That it was selfish of me to want her to stay. But I was being selfish. And being able to like talk to her about that. And knowing that she was tired and knowing that her spirit was getting weary, and knowing that she had taken all that she could possibly take physically and mentally.

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It made it easier for me.

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But when she did transition, it was really difficult for the family because she was Iraq. And I think for me being in tune with my feelings, it isolated me from everybody else in the family because people kind of had to deal with their own feelings and create spaces for their own feelings. And I felt when she passed away, no one. People were respectful of the fact that other people had independent relationships with her And although my loss wasn’t her mother’s loss or her sister’s loss, or aunts or uncles loss or daughter’s loss, or her, you know, family loss or whomever loved her loss, her best friend never. My loss was my loss. And like I could create space for what they were feeling, but also demand respect for what I was feeling as well. And I think that that was that was really hard for us to come back from as a family, and she for it for a young woman. She was like Big Mama, for all of us. She gathered us and got us all in line. And so having that loss of that glue it really did something to all of us and broke a spirit and it kind of felt like that at the services for my friend. Last. I mean, you know, this week, I kept feeling like the I would love to have send off like this. We will like we will party and no, but just like it was it was sad that we miss him and gaping hole that he left in the community. But damn Yo, he did his time and made the most out of it. And we all loved him and was grateful that we all got to know him. So was it sad? And I felt that when my cousin passed away I also kind of felt that when my dad passed away not for that reason, because his impact on the world was different. And take leave it or leave it Take it or leave it at that.

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So yeah,

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definitely I’m in a reflective period. Definitely. Um, when my cousin died I battled a lot of loneliness talking about before stay the stage of depression. Passion. But yeah, the guilt that I had was that I didn’t go to kind of that it angles and circus with the guy the them when I say kind of because I didn’t regret not going to the circus because I don’t like circus really. But when I end up going to the circus with my son, that that week that she passed away, I cried like a baby at the circus. I will never in my entire life go back to the universal circus ever again because of it just gotten real bad memory for me. stage five is the upward turn. As you start to adjust to life without your loved one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lesson and your depression begins to lift slightly after that, reconstruction and working through as you become more functionally a must also work again. And you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You start to work on practical and financial problems and restructuring yourself and your life without him or her I also thinking that restructuring period, what happens for a lot of us is that we we gain activism, we want to find meaning in the loss and find meaning in the person’s life. If they died in a way that defies logic, gun violence,

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you know, racial strife,

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a disease, whatever it is, like we want to get active and reconstruct reconstruction and working through the period we really just kind of want to make sense of the senseless by do altruistic expressions of love and kind of keeping that person’s memory going. The last stages are acceptance and hope. During this the last seven stages in the grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Except this does not mean instant happiness. But you will start to look up for particular family that I’m working with right now. There’s a baby that’s coming soon. And I try to try to work with the family to think about the new beginnings. And it’s very, very difficult. It’s holiday season. It’s Christmas time. You know, for my friend who lost his child’s mother for this to be the first Christmas without his mom is going to be very difficult the house The seasons are going to be held season is going to be very difficult for anybody who lost something. For me my dad’s birthday is three days after Christmas. And so it I already, somebody booked a therapy session on my father’s birthday. I was like, I’m not working on my dad’s birthday. I don’t know how I feel now. Or if I’m going to feel good on that day, but maybe I’ll just sit in the house and have a drink or like read the Scripture, or go outside or like on a day or do something wherever it is, like maybe I don’t want to make space for anybody else’s feelings on my father’s birthday this year. And so being able to kind of know what I need and put in limits in place, so that I can be okay. When I need to be okay and not create space for feelings of anybody else’s besides my own and being selfish is a necessary thing. And for me and the other caregivers out there. The other strong ones that people who are holding together Therefore their family members who are not emotionally equipped. You don’t have to be strong throughout this. You don’t have to be the strong one. You don’t have to be the one who is keeping it all together for everybody. You don’t have to do any of that because in the quiet moments of the night, end of the day and in the recesses of your mind when you are holding it together for everybody else, eventually you will break down and that’s okay. Like my friend when he told me that his son’s mother was murdered, he sounds so regulan I was like, bro, you are not regular. Like I know what you focused on right now is like taking care of your son and like getting your ducks in a row and taking care of the family and making sure you do what you gotta do. And being a responsible man and all it is but bro You ain’t okay and it’s okay not to be okay. But any even if you are okay now, right because you busy. We we get bogged Down with that business in the beginning of like, Oh, I gotta do this and I gotta do that

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I gotta

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play the service. And I got it. I get a suit and I gotta get this and you don’t I mean, like you you going, going, going, going going? Eventually you stop moving and I kept saying him Yo, either you got to take a minute to catch your breath and sit down. Oh, God’s gonna sit you down. And you got to be prepared like while you’re moving right now you being a busy bee, bro. Take care of your plans for what’s going to happen when you break down because breakdown, the breakdown is coming. And it’s okay. Whether that’s true just called me whether that’s you find you in a therapist, whether that’s you find somebody else, like the breakdown is comment and you you cannot break down. Wow, your son is breaking down like you could maybe take turns because you got to be strong for him in those moments, so you got to figure it out. So right now, while you’re in the planning stage, Days of doing everything and being everything for everybody, you start to plan right now for your breakdown, because life is going to get quiet in a minute. And the funeral passes, and we passes and everybody stops coming by the house. And eventually life moves on. And this is New York. I live in New York, Brooklyn. Life goes by real quick, real fast and in a hurry, and we forget about each other. And if you had a strong one, and he had a strong friend, nobody checks on you. People still quantum my phone right now, even though I’m like Yo, I’m dealing with grief issues. People still calling my phone like Yo, I need this. I’m not I can’t answer my phone for everybody right now. I have to take care of me and I feel bad because I’ve been like speaking to my son about it like you’re really sad today.

38:50
So

38:52
if you are going through the holidays without a loved one, if you are dealing with the stages of grief just No things get better. And he has shout out to my to my friends that have lost, but the ones that are here, I love you. And I definitely want to try to make more time to spend with my friends and my family and also know that life is too short. There are a lot of things that I’ve been putting off the things that I want to do plans and things that I have for my life and you know, visions that God has given me to execute and I haven’t really been doing those things to the hundred percent so this is just kind of giving me kicking ass to be like, yo, you don’t want to leave here without fulfill your mission son. So you got to get on out there and do what you gotta do. So if you are out there you will listening God has given you a vision for your life.

39:45
And you bullshitting and lollygaggin

39:48
like there’s no time like the presence to get on those things. And it’s a new year coming and it’s a new day come in and it’s not an excuse anymore, to not have any resources or influence. or know how or skills to do whatever it is that you want to do. Because, you know, we all have

40:09
our

40:11
computers and we have our phones and we have everything so we have what we need. Okay? And if you don’t have what you need, get yourself a therapist or a coach and let them assist you have been doing, I’m doing long pauses. I’ve been doing a toy drive for the past five years. I said this last week. So I’m going to end on a high note. And I’ve been doing this. For the past five years, five was five or six years I lose count, I believe, I believe six years but five years. The last two years I funded it myself. I bought all of the toys. Usually we buy toys for about 40 or 50 kids in the domestic violence shelter that I used to work at. And this year, I decided to create a target registry and Share it on the show and then share it on my social media and I swear I didn’t even post it on my Instagram pages. But you know, I haven’t been that active on Instagram because Instagram sometimes wears me out. But I shared it on my social.

41:16
And I think I did it.

41:19
I made the registry on Sunday when I do the show. I posted it on Monday by Wednesday. We were like almost all sold out. So just want to give a shout out to everybody who purchase the toys Cynthia Riggins Hey girl Shanti sale went to high school with Cody Hamilton. Not even looking at it, but I know that you bought cuz

41:47
you’re my family and I saw there were seeds.

41:52
caressa grant from Chandler Arizona. I don’t even know you says but thanks Some people gave anonymously I don’t have everybody that gave this is just what came in the mail. jessalyn Marshall of Tennessee. Thanks jessalyn who else caressa send something else teressa wet feel from Cali. Take us. Cody from North Carolina and it’s my family. Who else? Oh, okay. Jessica candy. Yes. I hope I said that right, from Douglasville, Georgia. And more some people pledged to buy toys that maybe I haven’t gotten yet literally left my office. On Saturday, I locked up the office and the the postman was coming there and I was like, I think those boxes are for me because they were from Target. And he was like black therapists and I was like, that’s me. So everybody that but for the kids in the domestic violence shelter and I have your toys if I didn’t get to your toy this week I should have them next week I will give you a shout out. But yeah in like three days you guys bought over 50 toys for with our toy drive and I think maybe there’s a few things left if you want to go on target registry to get it at this point you guys bought but a lot of the toys that we want it there are a few things left like i said

43:31
i’m gonna buy whatever is left on the list.

43:34
But before that I’m hit up a few guys that are know ahead and see if they what some people have already pledged to buy things for the the toy drive actually I told some people not to buy it but you know, I’m going to circle back around because there were a few more things to buy and there are guys in men in the shelter who are Domestic violence victims I’m trying to figure out something to buy for them, as well as the women who are there. So that’s what I’m going to do this week probably try to go get something for the women and the men that are there. Usually I just buy for the kids, but I think I’m gonna I’m gonna splurge a little because you guys help me out. So I have a few few coins in my pocket. I can make Christmas good for some of the adults that are there as well because some of them feel forgotten. Okay, so this has been another episode of black therapists podcast. I’ve hope throughout the year. If you’ve been listening to the shows, I’ve been a blessing to you. Pay It Forward, you my friend. Put man as well as George George. He taught chess in our school systems. He was the one who flies through that ever known in terms of like fashion and styling. Like these were givers. They were talented people. If you came home from jail, put maybe You have money, he made sure you have food. He took care your kids like that funeral was his services was an inspiration and something to aspire to. And it reminded me of the giving spirit that I have. But it also reminded me that this is a community. I come from a community of givers. I come from a community of doers. I come from a community of lovers, who love our people, and we do what we got to do to make sure that we are making making a difference in life. There were things that he did, that they both did.

45:40
And energies, positive

45:45
messages in the bottle, love letters, and a bottle that they sent out into the universe that I didn’t even know that they set up this the things the gifts that they put stowed upon everybody else. So if you are So we’re right now you have some friends or family if you can’t give tomorrow. So toy drive, I don’t care. But just give back in the way that you can leave somebody whether it’s this is simple act of kindness, whether it’s a random random compliment of somebody a swipe on the metro card, don’t do that in New York because you might get arrested but

46:21
just some

46:21
random act of kindness that you could do for somebody right now. to just let them know that they are loved.

46:27
It’s holiday time.

46:30
There are people out there without families, there’s people out there without homes is people out there without food. And so just do what you can to spread love where you are this holiday season and let the people you know that you know, that you love. Make sure they feel that shape.

46:51
Okay.

46:54
I want to go

46:56
This was another

46:57
episode of black their butts podcast. I love You guys I appreciate you guys for rocking with me and supported my mission be well thank you guys for listening to another episode of black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss em s ni k i think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and ik it a bank calm and on the show’s website laugh therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions, show topics for get ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

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