Self care is self preservation! There are so many myths about how to create a self care routine. And the fact remains, random acts of self care is not what we think.
Many people struggle with developing a consistent self care routine because they are inundated with myths about what self care is supposed to be as opposed to what it really is.
As women we are often taught that we are supposed to put other’s needs before ours. It becomes a struggle and a major barrier to us being able to put our mask on first.
And these issues are compounded by the way our ideas around self care and how to get our needs met are formed. That comes directly from the way we have learned to develop these skills in our childhood.
A lot of cultures believe suffering is a part of endurance. It is necessary we examine why we struggle to make ourselves a priority. And explore the extreme guilt and negative reactions when we finally make the decision to put our needs first.
For me this was not only a choice but it was an act of self preservation. Part of my self care routine was just going to the therapist.
On this episode we discuss the myths that surround self care and the difference between, self love and self care.
Also on this episode we discuss the need to renegotiate roles in families that no longer serve us and not acting like “moral martyr” in your relationships.
this needs about twenty more words and some internal links blah blah
To learn more about how to renegotiate roles in families by our book Finding Happy Seven Steps to Relationships That Will Not Steal Your Joy
Want help developing a self care routine? Request a consultation
Finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is the new book by me Nikita Banks, a licensed psychotherapist and life strategist, leverage the knowledge and you’ll receive in this book to help you with the process of obtaining absolute clarity. Through the use of Guided Self exploration. This process is necessary to help you master all your relationships in 2019 and beyond going to amazon.com or black therapists podcast calm and grab your copy of the book guaranteed to help you redesign all your relationships based on two basic principle, health and happiness. Get your copy today. Welcome to the black therapist podcast, the black therapist podcasters podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face with dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. Now if you are new to our show, I am your host, author, a life strategist, psychotherapist Nikita Banks in private practice in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I am available for adult psychotherapy and coaching sessions. And you can find more information about that on my website Nikita Banks com you can listen to our podcast everywhere podcasts are found Apple podcast, Google Play YouTube, SoundCloud, PIPA, Stitcher, I Heart Radio and black therapists podcast com. If you are mental health advocate or a therapist and you want to buy our podcast merchandise, you can do so by visiting our site. And if you want access to our free mental health tips, free online trainings, discounted selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy, all one word 266866. If you love the podcast, please like comment and share. We love to hear from you. And if you want to send me some feedback, guest suggestions or simply to say hey, you can contact us at our website, black therapists podcast.com. Please be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go. Yeah, I just want you all to know that that was busy. Welcome to another episode of black bear podcast. This almost didn’t happen. And let me tell you I didn’t it almost didn’t happen almost did not happen because I recorded a whole entire show. Like I put my foot in that show my home LA and then I look down and Nan minute of it. Not a minute not a second of it was recorded. They were lights on the thing, and everything else and nothing recorded. Okay, so last week’s episode, we talked a little bit about vicarious trauma because I don’t know about y’all but but I needed an extra dose of vitamin s last week, some self care, I need to take a take a step back, I needed to get some perspective. And you listen to last week’s show. You know, last week for me was extremely emotionally draining. Because, you know, I have so much going on in my personal life, I have so much going on in my business life. I’m finishing up one project with one of my assistants, I’m hiring another assistant, ending the semester with my, my intern, I’ve been like almost hiding in, in my office or in my house. And I know in my spirit, when it’s time for me to take stock of my sanity. I know in my spirit when I’m starting to get overwhelmed and when I’m when I’m sleeping late. And I I’m not I started working out I’m off my workout regimen already. I was fasting last week. And as per this weekend I have I’m off the fast I’m even off the fast tonight. But I will be back on it tomorrow.
So when when my equilibrium starts to slip, I know that something is about to a car. And so I recorded this whole show. And then I think the memory card said it was full. And then I could not find my empty memory card. And then I had to, to to do a whole nother memory card and like it was full and had to swap it out. And then like, reformat it and nothing was nothing was working. Then this memory card broke off in my computer. I was like Jesus Christ. Why have thou forsaken me on a day that I am doing a show about self
we got it all together. And I will definitely be practicing self care tomorrow. And today was a trial day for me. Anyway, I got up early, I went to, to, to the store, I went shopping, I went to to, to work, I had some patients to see on the psychiatric unit. And then some white guy like, tried to push me because he didn’t understand what I was getting preferential treatment because I was at work. And like he put his hands on me and thank God like, I’m centered I went to therapy this week, because it’s everything inside of me to say. So Remove your hand from me, before I lay hands on him up and up and job up in the hospital up in a psychiatric unit that they probably would have been admitted me to if he would have really laid hands on me. So I knew. And I know that I will definitely be processing and injecting and boosting more self care into my week this week, because I know I’m vibrating a little bit
wonky. This week, I already know,
I already already know, I already know.
But I also know that it is it is the time for me to do a little bit more pouring into myself than I normally do. So in my practice, it’s primarily women of color, have men of color, and then I have everybody else. And so I see all the time, this push in the community to to almost not make the necessary investments that we need to make in ourselves to get ourselves through the day. No, do the second, do the minute, do the hour, to the day through the week. And sometimes you have to motivate yourself step by step by step in order to make things happen. There are days that I wake up and I’m like God, I’m overwhelmed. I have like so many things that I have to do today, where do I even start and begin. And so if you have my book, finding happy seven steps to relationships that will master your joy, then you know that in the book, I start out with the concepts of self love and self care. Now, I have a girlfriend of mine who shared this, this article surrounding why self care is a myth. And how we don’t need more self care, we need more support. And I looked at the article, you know a little bit I bookmark that I saved it. And for the life of me, I can’t find it. But that’s just because God knows that I don’t need no junk in my space, that the article struck me wrong in my spirit. And I think for me the reason that it struck me wrong in my spirit, because I considered the messenger, not not my friends. And I’m at a space in my life where I take my friends as they are, there are some people in my life that I choose to be in my life because they have earned a place, if that makes any sense. Like they literally earned a place in my life, I know that I can depend on this person, for anything, and I’m always going to be there for her if she ever needs me. Right. However, I also know that there are some people in life who are just contrarians. And no matter whatever you say they have an opposite opinion of whatever you say. And I know this person personally, so I know that she she serves her family, her friends, which makes our great friend and probably makes a wonderful family member. But she serves her friends and her family from a space of undying obligation. But that also contributes to her. How do I say this? It contributes to her being in a constant state of appreciation, it often
telling the internal narrative that she’s always giving from people and she’s never receiving. And I don’t I don’t think that that is a true statement. But I think that that’s the narrative that she’s very comfortable telling herself. And I think that that’s the place that she likes to be there are some people who are just moral martyrs in every single relationship. So when, when she put this out, this article out in my spirit, I was like, man, I know, I know what, what spirit she’s operating by sharing this article. But I think it also took me wrong, because as black women, I know how the concept of self love and self care is a foreign one to us. I grew up in household with a single mother. And as a single mother, I had to examine the way the ideas of how I’ve made time to care for myself and invest in myself, manifest it. And I had to take a long, hard look at myself and a whole long hard look at how the unhappiness that was displayed by my mother and my grandmother. And even my sister at times, who’s my sister is older than me. So I look at her as a mother figure, my sister at times with their role. And the perceived responsibilities and sacrifice on dying sacrifice, on yielding, voluntary suffering that came with being a black woman was not going to be my lot in life. So when I had a child, I made a conscious effort to never be martyred, I did not want to be the Virgin Mary. I didn’t want to be seen as such self sacrificing, that I was unable to attain my dreams, because I realized that watching my mother struggle, it limited my vision for what I could attain in life. And it limited the way that I saw myself in the way that I was able to manifest my dreams for a lot of my clients. And a lot of you know, when I worked with students to ask them what they even imagined their future to be like, without any limitations was so with ridiculously hard for them to do. And so wanted to live a life as a as a parent, that model for my kid that you could do anything that you want to do. Now Have I done that, I don’t know, I think my son is probably seen me suffer and struggle a lot longer, and a lot more than I would like. But I’ve also, I’m getting emotional. I’ve also been able to access a world for him that was unachievable
on attainable and unrealistic
in my idea of growing up in Bed Stuy.
You know, My son is my son has done amazing things that I won’t go into here. And we’ve done wonderful things together. But I’ve been able to believe I’ve been able to kind of show him things that I never dreamed possible. And it was simply because I was willing to make the necessary sacrifices to expand his worldview. In a way that didn’t happen for me. And so for me, part of that was making sure that I did everything that I needed to do and to invest in myself and give him access to that lifestyle, like my son has been in the studio with with rap took him to meet Beyonce and Jay Z. And like he’s been on Broadway, like he’s done so many wonderful things that my mind as at his age only dreamed about. And to see him now about to graduate from, you know, university, with the full academic scholarship, going to win the best schools in New York City is harder to get into this, Harvard. And he went to school with the mayor son, like, it’s amazing for me being that we struggled for a lot of years in my parenting, but one thing that I never wavered on was making the necessary investments that I needed to make in myself, and wanted to make it in him. And so this concept of self care, versus support, I think that that’s, that’s the wrong way we think about it. As, as black women, a lot of times we always think of, of evil, or instead of thinking of and bright. So how I define self care in the book, and I made the book is called finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy, it’s available on Amazon. And I talk about the seven steps, but really what it is, is it’s it’s seven areas of investment that you need to make in your, your self development in order to get the relationships that you want. And the best thing about the book is it’s about all relationships, number one, how you relate to yourself. Number two, how you relate to others. Number three, the lessons that you’ve learned from your family of origin number for your romantic relationships and your friends. For people like me, I am closer to my friends, then people that I’m my partner, I would say people I’m in relationship with, don’t come for me, I don’t want to hear it. And he don’t listen to the show anyway, so it doesn’t even matter. But you know, I I love my friends. And so my friendship relationships. A very intimate to me, my family relationships are very intimate to me. And to me, the roles that I play in those areas of my life, either the roles that were assigned to me, or the roles that I choose, are, are just part of who I’ve become in terms of how I manage my life, although I’ll say it, it’s different in my relationship.
But Shall we can talk about that another time.
And the reason that the book is is so
good to me is because it’s a journal, and you’re able to kind of explore your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and your ideas on concept development of these seven areas. So I start with self love and self care, because to me, self love is really about looking at the concepts and how they developed around how we make time for ourselves, how we invest in ourselves, how we love on ourselves. I think a lot of us think of, of self care, as, like yoga, or, I don’t know if you guys have heard of this, but calgarian Take me away. So when I was younger, there was this commercial of this woman and she had like, you know, busy life. And sometimes she was just locked herself in the bathroom and poor cow gone, which is like a bath. I don’t know if it was a bubble bath or bath gel or what it was, she poured in the tub, and she get in and she’s like cow gonna take me away. And as a child, I was like, Wow, that looks dumb. Like, that’s not a vacation, vacation like I want to go away. But you know, I think that that’s kind of like superfluous ideas or acts of self care. And sometimes self care is just sitting in silence, one of the best things about my relationship was that I could just tell him to share, bed. And he does. Sometimes self care for me is just staying in bed An hour later, sometimes self care is being able to get clear my schedule, self care for me today was me going to the hospital, maybe not the white man that I almost had to curse out. But definitely for the fact that I know that tomorrow, I have some other things to do. And I lightened up my load by doing the work today that I didn’t have to put off, put off until tomorrow to do self care for me is being able to work from almost anywhere, being able to put myself first. And that doesn’t mean that I’m not obligated to do other things like I still gotta pay my bills, I still gotta, you know, pay my rent in the office, I still gotta, you know, do what I need to do for my interns and my assistants and everybody, like, I still got to make sure that I’m handling what I have to handle because I have people that are depending on me. But being able to do that in a way that allows me to still take the time that I need, in order to be the person that I want to be, we have to stop pouring into ourselves. Oprah says that if you have a business that you need to pay yourself before you pay anybody else, you know, pay into your savings, pour into yourself, pour into yourself spiritually, and a lot of us are not doing that work. And that becomes a problem for us. We are not doing our self work. women come to me tired and exhausted and depleted, and, you know, crying, because they are trying to be everything for everybody. And a lot of us have been assigned roles in our families that have been given to us. Not that they benefit us. Not that they do anything for us, but they benefit somebody else at our expense. And we continue to do it, knowing that it doesn’t serve us, especially if you have a strong one, especially if you are the financially stable one specially if you are the responsible one. And it becomes draining. So you have to find ways to be able to pour back into yourself you have to be to be able to find ways to invest in your own happiness, health and healing. Like I said, these women come to me and they’re all exhausted, and they’re like I didn’t even eat today. I didn’t even have time to pray today. I didn’t even have time to meditate. I didn’t have time to sit down at all today at work, I was so upset. And I’ll say to them, Well, you know what you’re in therapy now. And this is part of your self care. If you like we can sit the silence. Let’s do the breathing for a few minutes. I’ll let you catch your breath. There are days that my day gets so overwhelming thinking of all of the things that I have to do and all the things that I’m trying to accomplish that I have to just sit down and try again tomorrow.
One repetitive act of myself care since I have been in high school is I do my my hair, my nails and my toes and not enough water. You may see me outside without my hair done. Especially not an unnatural and the crows a backyard. So you may see me outside with my head not done but that’s very rare. You probably ain’t never gonna see me with my my nails done. My nails not done. I’m sorry. You definitely Anglesey, me, us our motto is not done winter, spring, summer, for a keeps my beats the period. And I used to think that it was so ridiculous. And my baby was little. I always made time to do those, do those things. My nails, my toes and my hair. And usually in that order. Right, I kept those three things down because I had to have some continuity. And I remember one day my art was over and my baby was crying and I was doing something and my son was like, he has at least be one. He just wanted me to pick him up. He just needed my attention. And he was crying. And he was fed, and he was dry. And he just needed me and I was doing my hair. The mom was like, if you don’t pick him up, you don’t pick him up, I’m gonna beat you down. And I was like you pick them up? Because the answer is no, I will lock myself in this bathroom before have to deal with that. Right now. Anyway, he was there was in what was nothing wrong with him, but he needed my time and my attention. But combing my hair in that moment was holding my sanity together. And sometimes we just need to have a breather. So yes, women need to have
But first, we need to know we deserve support. But first we need to know that we can ask for support. But first, we need to know who we can go to, that is going to support our request for support. Because a lot of people that we go to the sport as a supportive lot of people that we go to facility specially other women of color, then go It ain’t got it, and go get it. Never Never gonna get it. And we continue to go to them. And it after a while we stop asking for support because we know that support isn’t going to come. Well, that’s not true. It’s just that we got to ask other people. Sometimes we got to learn who is going to support us in the room, I know what to go to my mother for support, and what to go past her. I know what to ask her for and what she will be completely supportive to provide and what she won’t.
And I don’t I don’t have any ill will,
with what she won’t give me because she has every right to decide how she will support me. But it’s my job and my responsibility to get what I need. If it ain’t from her, find somebody else to give it to me.
if you I need a self care, I know that a lot of us are especially after last week, another just death of Nick See, hustle has kind of done the whole black community and hip hop community for loop. I know a lot of us have to practice self care need to step back. After that me personally. So I just want you guys to know that if you need self care, and you are interested in exploring your concepts of self love, then you need to get on our mailing list. You can text get happy at 66866 to do that. And if you have any questions about self love, if you have any questions about self care, if you have any questions about how I can support yourself investment in yourself healing, then make sure that you tune in this Thursday on black therapists podcast Instagram page where I will be going live at 3pm. Barring any other commitments, I normally don’t do anything with Thursdays Thursday’s my billing day. However, if I got patients to go see I will see them I think that is this Thursday, we should be good. But if you haven’t seen our lives, and you would like to see our lives going on in Instagram TV, because the the archives of our lives are there. And so there should be a new show every week, if you have any questions you can slide on and my do. And yeah, that’s it. I mean, I hope that you guys are making some investments in yourself to be better today. And I know that I know that black women are doing it, I know that you’re invested in yourself, I know that you are because I see it the numbers, bear it out the statistics bear it out. But the problem is, is that you guys are doing this by yourself. And it’s isolating. And it’s removing you from the people that you know. And God is creating spaces in your life by removing the things that will pick by the broken spaces in you to make room for the things that are going to fill you up and that are going to be a part of your passion play for the rest of your life. And you need to be around and you need to surround yourself with people that are going to love on you and invest in you the way that you need to invest in yourself. But but we have to set the model for the way other people are going to love us. By the way we love ourselves you teach people how to treat you. And if you’re not willing to do the work, to to learn what you need. And to give yourself what you’re willing to give others. Nobody’s gonna take you seriously. Nobody’s gonna take you seriously. And so if there’s any way that I can support you and your healing, make sure you reach out to me I have a few coaching spots left. If you want to contact me for that you can also DM me or hit me up on my website at Nikita and IKITA Banks calm and our premium course will be going live again in a few weeks we will be accepting new people to do it. It’s It’s It’s adult 61 resource course there are videos, there is a workbook, there are assignments, there are group check ins and one on one calls and I’ll be relaunching it again in a few weeks. And so if you want to get on the mailing list for that if you are interested in that make sure you send me an email Okay. All right guys. Make sure you take care make some time for yourself even if it’s just listening to this show. Even if it’s just sitting in silence you know make sure that you’re taking some time for you because you deserve it You deserve it and you cannot serve anybody else if you are operating from a space of deficit if you don’t put any gas in your car won’t move and you’ll be going nowhere
Okay, so you listening to another episode of black therapists podcast be well thank you guys for listening to another episode of The Black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss MS in IK I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita in IKITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laugh therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you will want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for get ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well