raising autonomous children

Raising Autonomous Children

 Want to know how to raise autonomous children on this episode of the Black Therapist podcast we discuss. If you want to raise children who feel as if they have their own voice, can own and make their own choices and be really awesome human beings it first starts with how you empower them in childhood. 

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Finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is the new book by me Nikita Banks, a licensed psychotherapist and life strategist, leverage the knowledge and you’ll receive in this book to help you with the process of obtaining absolute clarity. Through the use of Guided Self exploration. This process is necessary to help you master all your relationships in 2019 and beyond going to amazon.com or black therapists podcast calm and grab your copy of the book guaranteed to help you redesign all your relationships based on two basic principle, health and happiness. Get your copy today. Welcome to the black therapist podcast, the black therapist podcasters podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face with dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. Now if you are new to our show, I am your host author a life strategist. psychotherapist Nikita Banks in private practice in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I am available for adult psychotherapy and coaching sessions. And you can find more information about that on my website Nikita Banks. com you can listen to our podcast everywhere podcasts are found Apple podcast, Google Play YouTube, SoundCloud, PIPA, Stitcher, I Heart Radio and black therapists podcast com. If you are mental health advocate or a therapist and you want to buy our podcast merchandise, you can do so by visiting our site. And if you want access to our free mental health tips, free online trainings, discounted selected selective services and resources do so by joining our mailing list by texting get happy, all one word 266866 if you love the podcast, please like comment and share. We love to hear from you. And if you want to send me some feedback, guest suggestions or simply to say hey, you can contact us at our website, black therapists podcast.com Please be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go. Hey, guys, welcome to the show. Okay, so this will probably be a short show this week only because I don’t know I kind of

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I haven’t really been

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feeling great. I’m sorry. pain in my neck that touched it. But you haven’t been feeling all that great lately. Oh, no, change the weather. It’s nighttime outside. It’s darker earlier during the day, you know, a little bit at the sands, which is that one is called a big believe that sad, sad, sad. And by says I mean seasonal affective disorder. Sad. It’s what it’s called. And if you haven’t heard of Sad or seasonal affective disorder it’s something that happens in the fall or the winter where you are tired more often you may be phone depressed, little hopeless, socially withdrawn and I’ve been to make sense just cold outside you don’t want to go outside don’t feel like being bothered. You don’t want to deal with a bunch of people. The holidays are coming the the gotta deal with family and going home the problematic family relationships and stuff and it’s hard, right? So I like everybody else, fall victim to sometimes feeling this way. And I don’t know I don’t know if that is what the problem is, but I am Cognizant and conscious of that, that may be the problem. So I try to make myself be a little bit more social. And I try to do a little bit more but I also just like to withdraw too late. Sometimes I want to click on a little bit because it’s cold outside. So there’s that you know when you’re the winter time, blues is kind of set it apart. Although I love wearing coats, like I like, I like wearing coats, and I like bundling up, but when it gets to this cold, like it’s been over under 30 degrees in New York, with a gift like this, I just really want to cuddle up in bed with like soup and, you know, not weighted blanket and not be bothered by the world. Right? So, shout out to everybody that joined us this week for our

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Yes, I said free we did a free workshop. And it was pretty, pretty dope. You know, I doing live webinars or

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workshops or whatever, or coaching

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classes because people register for them and then they don’t show up. But you know, for the people that were on the call and they came live, they was just like, Oh, we love that it was intimate. So there will be a replay eventually. I want to look at it and I want to make sure that it’s good for what I want it to to Music for there will definitely be a replay. But it probably won’t be for like a week or two. However, if you are interested in taking some of the low costs, coaching programs or workshops that we have coming up, I’m going to be doing, I feel like I’m going to do eight of them only because there’s eight pieces in the coaching program that I want to explore. And so I already scheduled two of them, what three of them

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and they’re going to be

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program coaching programs that I’m going to do with people. But if you want to get in on some of them, that I’m going to do for the next few weeks that are going to be low cost. When I say low cost, I mean like under $50. Make sure you join the mailing list because they’re pretty, pretty dope. If you’re on the mailing list. You’ll get more information about what the programs entail, and over the next few weeks I’ll tell you, what we’re going to be doing on them specifically, if you’re a therapist, and you are, are starting, and you really want to make more money, this is for you, if you are a student, and you are, you know planning your career, as somebody who will be in private practice, this is also for you. And if you are somebody in the field and you’re not so great about technology, but you heard of this show, then this is also for you. And if you’re a solo printer, right, you don’t have to be a therapist or like you mental health advocate in order for you to utilize the the things that I’m going to teach in the course, but I’m going to market it to us to be honest with you, because I feel like I know what I’m doing with us. So yeah, that that’ll be happening over the next few weeks. And we’re going to go super duper hard in the new year, but right now I’m just like creating content for that.

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So there’s that I’m

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had a whole show planned out and a guest scheduled and then our schedules did not align. So that will probably be coming in the next few weeks. So I almost didn’t plan a show for today. I was like, I’m just gonna come on, and I’m going to chat but

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last week’s

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what would you do was about ti

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and his admission that he takes his daughter to the gynecologist every birthday to get a hymen check, just kind of gross.

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And initially,

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I really wasn’t all that grossed out about the idea of it because, you know, some some things is just kind of like what parents do if he was a single father. It would not be that big of a deal of him taking his child to the gynecologist you know, clearly he’s not going in a room and nobody’s letting him go in the room. But clearly, you know, if he if he was single father, that wouldn’t be a thing, but it just felt like Like the way he described the story that he was forcing her so I had to put myself in

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many different

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people’s position in this.

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You know, and as a parent of a child of the opposite sex, I do know that there are things that I don’t do when it comes to him in terms of seeing his, you know, I don’t go into the doctor’s office with him. I you know, I understand confidentiality, I understand HIPAA laws, and I don’t really feel like my child should be pressured to tell me something that he’s not ready to tell me. I think you should always have an open line of communication so that you allow you make you you make the environment safe for your child always tell you the truth. And so

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I don’t really feel like

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she felt

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like she had an option if you have no idea. I’m talking about last week, all of the internet was ablaze because TI said what are some podcasts and then he told some people that are the hosts female host that he takes his daughter to get a gynecology check to make sure that she’s still a virgin because he doesn’t want her not to be a virgin. And if you’ve watched his show, I remember him like, you know, giggling about his son having a girlfriend or whatever, you know, I mean, and it gives you if you wouldn’t allow your sons to violate somebody else’s daughter then you know that at some point, somebody’s gonna have sex with your daughter like it’s just

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Natural unless she’s, you know, gay or she’s she’s by the chances are the pre and even even still, chances are 50% of the people that she may have sex with will probably be a guy. So you got to get over that. Right, virginity is going to be lost and sometimes guess what you Mama did it you ground mama did it. That’s how you got here. So, I mean, I don’t know, I just I thought about it from a mother’s perspective. And I personally can’t imagine what the conversation was like for that mother, when either

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she was told that this is what he does,

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how to console your child, once your father tells the world about your virginal status and this how he’s so controlling that he’s, I mean, I couldn’t imagine. But for me, this is why it’s very difficult for and I get a lot of emails about seeing people’s children in my private practice, and this is why it’s really difficult for me to, to do that kind of work because my job as a therapist is only to give The child a voice and to allow them to say the things that is uncomfortable for them to say. and in this situation, his daughter doesn’t appear to have a voice, the only voice that she had was people commenting about, you know, how they felt about what her father did in her and following them.

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And her

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liking the comments that, you know, said that her father was whatever he was do negative connotations in the comments, and it was just really sad. I think this that parents lack the introspection to know when we are doing something that we believe that is in our best child’s best interest that is really violating their space and violating their trust. I get that sometimes with my own son to be honest with you, because sometimes I’ll just go in his room and like bother him. But we and I have that the release It will be like stop or Get out.

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Get out Leave me alone stop

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the law. You know, I may laugh about it but I eventually leave I eventually get out. I can’t imagine telling my mother to get out my room I think the most I might have said to my mother, so she get the hand is okay. Okay, all right. Okay, like bye but not saying bye because I couldn’t imagine saying goodbye to my mother. But you know, I have a different relationship with my with my kids, my son and I we also have an open door policy that even if someone hurts him and that somebody is me that he should be able to come to me about it. And he should be able to discuss with me at all times what he feels and he should he should have a voice and what’s going on and now he’s grown kind of right because he mean he paying a real bills yet. But age wise, he’s a legal adult and so

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You know, I thought about it like, What? What do

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you what do you do? Like what do you do when you are having these incidents and these issues and these moral, I’ll say disagreements with your with your children. And then there was this post on Facebook. I do have something to talk about this week. There was a post on Facebook and I wished I could find it. And the gist of it was a mother, whose daughter? Yeah, that’s what we got a mother whose daughter was dating a guy who was older than she was. So there was a post put up on one of our social media groups where there was a lady posting her daughter was 17. I think the man was 30 something I was unable to find the polls but she’s basically saying You know, this is my baby and this is the guy. I’m not happy with it. But you know, I’ve put it in God’s hands. There’s nothing that I’m able to do. If she’s if she’s happy with, I’m just going to put it in God’s hands and I thought about it like at first I got it as I raises everybody else because I feel like sometimes just black parents, we can use the Lord have it his way, if it’s God’s will. Is this a way to like Triple S and not do anything? But I thought about it like if she’s 17 she’s finished school. If she runs away, the cops are not gonna bust their behinds to go find her because she’s 17 Yeah, and you know, police are not like busting their ass to go out there and find little black girls right and then it most states in the union 17 is legal age to have sex. So legally you can’t call the cops on this grown man dealing with your baby. And if you’re a single mom and there are not fathers around it’s not like you can you can do to enforce

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this stay away from my daughter rule.

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And even if you chose to have a man if there’s a man around and he went, you know, full blown TI on it a dude to make sure that she’s, you know, these people stay apart. You can’t stop your daughter from running away and doing whatever she’s going to do to do. What do you do? Do you rant rave cars scream, act like a fool and then alienate your child or do you think Me Like You know what, I at least want to have the option of being able to communicate with this baby. And I at least want to be here. And that’s what she said basically said in the poses that I’m going to be here to help her pick up the pieces, God forbid something happens. I think sometimes as our job as our as, as parents, we forget that our jobs is not ownership, we don’t own these kids, they’re going to go out in the world and they’re going to have to make their mistakes and they’re going to do whatever they’re going to do. And what you gotta hope is that

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you give them enough input and information at the mistakes that they make are very little and you pray that society will be kind to them, kind enough to extend white privilege to them and the way or youth privilege to them and in a way so that they’re able to make the mistakes that they make, but they don’t cost them a lifetime worth of worry. So yeah, what do you do in those in those moments in those spaces when you have these children and they are growing They are blossoming. And they have to make their own choices and make their own mistakes. And we have to sit by and watch what what do you? What do you do? What do you do? How do you unplug from that? I think the only rational thing for us to do is to kind of give it to God or give it give it to the universe and just sit there and plant the seeds in them and make sure that we give them what they need. My mother taught me, you know, I’m saying to say, raise a child in the way that you want them to go. And so if you have taught your children, respect for themselves, and if you’ve invested in them and given them love, and you’ve, you’ve given them the proper platform to have their own voice and know what they’re like they like and what they dislike and know how to enforce boundaries even with you. They will go out in the world and be healthy but the problem with a lot of our parenting is that we don’t We don’t want to be subject to the things that we need for our children to learn to navigate society. They’re supposed to practice those things in love on us. And so if you have a child at home back to you, you don’t want a child that talks back to who you are just like, Yo, I want you to listen to what I’m saying, well, you also don’t want to read somebody who’s gonna go out in the street and be a sheep. You also don’t want to be somebody who’s going to not feel like they ever have their own voice so that they that their thoughts and their wants and their feelings and their desires, and their ideas are only to be shut down. You want to raise them in order to be autonomous and to make decisions for themselves. And a lot of the parenting that we do robs them of that opportunity to be that kind of adult so imagine this young woman who doesn’t feel like she has a voice and I’m speaking about to his daughter now doesn’t feel like she has a voice in her relationship. Does it feel like she can Hey Daddy, you know what I like this boy, he likes me. I’m feeling things, you know, you know, we kiss a little we hug a little. I’m thinking about taking this to the next level, how can we be safe and have the safety to have that conversation? Or had that the safety to weigh the pros and the cons of what that looks like with her and say, You know what, you you may feel this today. But what if, what if what would happen if you asked him to wait two weeks? Can you ask him to wait two weeks to see what he does? And let’s talk about it in a week. I’m going to make you a doctor’s appointment in two weeks for you to go and get on birth control. But in the meanwhile these things that we’re going to talk about in Meanwhile, can you have him come over and have less talk to go to dinner? Can you have his parents come and be involved in this conversation like there are better ways to do it then forcing your child to feel that as if they have no input on the behaviors and the the feelings that they have and the decisions that are being made about them. My mother was very lucky. Third, Tyrion, whoo. authoritarian parent. Let me look it up make sure that’s it. I use that right. I thought authoritative, I don’t think is okay. Yeah, cuz there is authoritarian. I was right. I didn’t learn a in grad school I learned that in undergrad so I had to see if I remembered it. Oh yeah, I said it right and authoritarian and authoritative parent is strict and warm authoritarian parent is strict and cold. My mother ruled with an iron fist and it was not a lot of warmth in the house. I know she loved me. She took care of me She fed me. I never wanted for nothing. But yeah, I wanted a hug and touchy feely. Miss Banks wasn’t the one. So my mother was very authoritarian. And because of that, I always felt like there were decisions being made about me around me that didn’t involve me. It was never a matter of what I cared about, or I told this this story recently. To my new boo about my old boo, which guys don’t do that, but we’ve talked about parenting and so and co parenting and so um you know I remember once asking this person if his kids liked going to summer school and I was like do they prefer going to some school or whatever and he was like I don’t give a damn what they prefer and ask them if they prefer to go to some school I just care about you know, they not gonna sit up in my face and look at grown folk and I was like damn, that’s a very you know 1984 way of parenting that you don’t give a damn if they look it up. Now I know if you grew up when I grew up and how I grew up you you don’t you come in the house went before the street lights get on. You don’t run in and out of my house that my air out the house. How do you let the air out? I don’t know. But you let out. You got up and you you got dressed and you ate breakfast and you went outside and I don’t want to see you no more to lunch. And New York City I freelance so you go and go and take your behind the free lunch. And you will come back in here and I don’t wanna see you no more to dinner. Right. So I got where he was coming from. But I The reason that I had asked him the question was because I just wanted to know about the children’s enjoyment, like if they enjoyed going to summer camp.

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And so the conversation that he and I had about parenting, I was like, you know what I my son works really, really hard during the school year, he gets all A’s and B’s, he’s always been on a roll. He’s always been in talented and gifted classes. And my son has been working since he was nine years old. He was an actor, etc. So I was like, under summertime, I just let him live for the large majority of the time that I was raising my son I was a teacher for a large number of those years are freelancing or doing other things that allowed me to work around his schedule. So if he was all during the summer, during the summer, or if I had to work he had a place to go but he didn’t have to be in the house. He didn’t have that there was no need for me to pay for daycare or need for me to pay for. You know what when he went to daycare he went all year round. But once started school if there was some recession or if he was out for the summer that he didn’t need to go. And then there was one year that I did send him to summer school. And I mean that summer school but a summer camp and he really didn’t like it. And so I was like, Okay, well, as long as you read these books in the summertime, and you do what I asked you to do when when I asked you to do it, you can stay home. And so it was really just me asking about the children’s enjoyment. And he was like, I don’t give a damn if these kids enjoy anything or not. They’re just not going to stay home stay in my face. And I was like, Well, I don’t know if parenting with you or co parenting with you would be ideal for me. Because now you shutting these kids down. You shut me down like you don’t even want to hear what I had. Like I was not I wasn’t even I didn’t have an opinion. One way or the other. I was understand. I’m trying to understand whether or not his kids actually liked something and they can express what they like what a man said he can give a damn what they like, Kim. So how do you raise children who feel autonomous in that kind of environment, and this is no shade to him like he’s a great Father, allegedly. But you know, I’m saying like how like we’re raising adult young adults and they have to learn how to be able to explore out into the world with the information that we’ve given them and come back to us when they fail. And if you don’t leave the door open for that to happen if all you’re doing is like beating and yelling and screaming and controlling, we we raise anxious children who don’t feel good about themselves who often have low self esteem and they are not confident in their decision making ability. And it becomes a very scary world for that type of person. And they make really jacked up decisions as they get older.

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And so

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yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know what would you suggest if you were the parent of a 17 year old dating a 27 year old or 37 year old I don’t remember how old the guy was in the post but whatever older the net them at least five years older than them Least older, older than 21? Like what would what would be consequences? I say be of that decision? Or how would you control the narrative in that, I don’t know. Like I, I was upset by it when I read it, I don’t think a 37 year old or 30 year old or whatever, whatever the age difference was anybody older than four or five years with the 17 year old should be with a 17 year old, anybody over 21 I don’t feel like you should be with a 17 year old, but whatever, like, that’s just me. But you, you know, you do get to a point in parenting where you don’t get to make your children’s decisions for you. But you do want to have the the option of being able to have access to them if they fail. And so what would you suggest? How would you suggest to make that environment like you can’t, you can’t beat everybody up, you, you, you you can’t punish everybody and like so how do you like what do you do? What would you do? Okay. If you want to be on the show, I’m looking for a sex therapist as a licensed sex therapist to be On the show I have so much I want to talk about when it comes to sex therapy or sex in general and nobody to talk to. So if you’re a sex therapist, you want to be on the show. Just drop us an email at a black therapist podcast and click on to be our guest tab. If you are a man therapists, male therapists,

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black male therapists, man

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you want to be on the show or a mental health advocate and you are a male I have topics that I really want to discuss with you guys have been asking for the last few weeks if you are male therapist or a sex therapist to hit me up because I want you on the show. But alas, that hasn’t happened yet. So like I said, shout out to everybody who signed up for our free workshop. If you want to get on the mailing list and you haven’t joined yet, you can go on the website and sign up to our mailing list. If you have a You can also go on our website black therapist podcast slash shop and a black therapist podcast.com slash shop and you can buy our T shirts and hoodies in our paraphernalia. Okay. Alright, so let’s everybody who’s who’s been purchasing them I want to see your pictures, make sure you you post your pictures on it the web. This whole store is 10% off right now if you’re on the mailing list, so you can go and get that and yeah, shoot me an email if there’s anything that you want me to cover that I haven’t yet covered. And this has been another episode of The Black therapist podcast. Okay, be well, thank you guys for listening to another episode of The Black therapist podcast. Once again, you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapist podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your hosts me Miss MS in IK I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information About Me at Nikita and IKITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laugh therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for guest ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

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