On this episode we discuss the reasons why having a “vent buddy” may not be the best way for you to deal with your problems when you are overwhelmed.
We also cover whether or not you should get pregnant prior to marriage JUST to make sure the “equipment works;” How you address someone in your life who does not show up for you, in the ways you show up for them.
And this week’s “What would you do if…” you knew your partner was going to cheat… how would you handle it?
Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of black therapists podcast. Okay.
earlier in the season, my last even season premiere, I premiered an episode or an episode a new segment called what would you do? And I asked you different scenarios that I want to know if you have an opinion or how you would handle it or how you deal with it when it comes up in your own life. And then we’ll talk about maybe healthy solutions or healthier ways to deal with it. Right. Well, we continue the conversation throughout the week on social media. So one episode ago, not the last episode, but the episode before that.
I forgot what the question.
So someone asked me this question. And I’m just paraphrasing right now because I don’t have it in front of me. But the question was basically, if having children was important to you and your relationship, would you have a baby with somebody prior to marriage, just to make sure that all of their equipment worked. So if you came to me as a as a therapy client, and let’s say if you came in couples counseling and 100%, one of you are ready to have a baby and 100% another one of you are not ready to have a baby. I would just say go for fertility testing, right? I mean, you don’t actually have to try out the plumbing to make sure that it works.
And I kind of think that it’s very manipulative to be like, okay, I just want to have a baby now just to make sure everything works. What is the relationship doesn’t work?
What is the commitment is not strong enough to withstand what happens when you have a baby?
What if the person that you knew prior to being a father
Or a spouse or in that kind of like forever of a commitment leaves you like what? What does that? What kind of position does that put you in? Like I don’t think that is why is to make permanent decisions offer temporary feelings shout out to the little girl that said that one
teen moms one time. That’s what I’m saying oh my god that’s so brilliant. But is there a really good quote right? I mean
I don’t know. I mean I’m a different I’m in a different area of my life right now and just thinking about having a baby and breaks me out in hives, but I’m just saying like why why would you even if it was 1,000% important to you 100,000% a non negotiable that you guys have babies. Go get tested, go freeze your eggs go go and figure out if their plumbing works. I mean there are that’s what health insurance is for no doctors fertility experts urologist like
There are so many other ways to figure out if it works, rather than just having a baby. So I don’t know somebody pose that question to me online. I completely forgot what the question was. So I didn’t answer it in last week’s episode, but I remembered
in my booth where, what the question was, I was like, what was that question? That’s what the question was. So if you have a question that you would like to submit to us for, what would you do if you have a scenario or something that’s coming up in your own life and you want to discuss that on the show? Please feel free to submit it at Black therapists podcast calm, and you can just go into the content. What is it the contact me section and drop the comments in there? Or subscribe to the email shoot me an email at Nikita Banks com Okay, and Nikita spell NRKITABANKS just like the song by elton john, just like the TV show and the movie. Okay. Yes, there was a TV show, and a movie about a dope ass assassin named
Nikita, shout out to my mother and father for that. Okay, so, on the previous week’s episode, I feel like I’m speed balling. I’m talking really, really fast. I did have coffee today, but that’s a whole nother matter. Um,
on last week’s episode, we The question was, how would you approach somebody who hurts your feelings? Let’s say if there was an event, or a graduation, a life event, baby shower, birthday party, a funeral anything that, you know, you expect people to show up in your life that you should wait, wait, wait, hold on. Sorry, let me clean that up. any of that event, a life altering or a life event that happens and you expect your friends to show up for you and they don’t friends, family member whoever. And they don’t show up for you in the ways that you show up for them. Like how would you approach that and how would you deal with that? Okay, so if you came to me
For for counseling, we would explore why it’s important for you to focus on the person that didn’t show up as opposed to the people that did. Because a lot of times we, we, we practice
our emotional, not practice, we base our emotional stability on the people that don’t show up from us. And we operate from a space of deficit, more than we operate from a space of abundance. And if you’re always operating from a space of deficit, what you don’t have what this person’s shortcomings is,
you know, traits that you don’t like those are the things I believe I believe in and those of attraction those are the things that you you attract more of in your life. And not only that, but that’s what you’re focused on. If you only focused on the negatives that I don’t have the money or I’m broke, or, you know, my my brother didn’t love me you have a whole wedding full of people but your mama didn’t show
up in that just ruin your whole day like all of those things. It
can eat you up inside.
And it robs you of the the mindset and the mastery of being able to look at a situation from, obviously a glass half full perspective, but really a glass half full, and only that you have, you have more than you lack. And so I would ask you to at least refocus your attention on the things that you have. And let’s practice, practice. Being grateful and hate the way that sounds. It’s like, oh, you’re ungrateful. No, I mean, I want you to at least, at least first focus on the spaces where you can find gratitude in your day. Because it refocuses your energy focus refocuses your emotions. It makes you feel better to think about the people that actually showed up for you and genuinely
as opposed to the people who haven’t shown up for you in your life, and then I will help you decompress. Right?
It may be it may be time for you to renegotiate that relationship, it may be time for you to decide whether or not that person is somebody that you can continue to engage in and support the way that you continue to engage in and support. It may just be like, you know what this this friend has lost its its its usefulness or her usefulness or his usefulness. Maybe the place that I position this person in my life is not the place that they’ve earned or deserve to be or no longer have the capacity to serve in. I’m no longer going to continue to go to my mechanic to fix my car if every time I go to my mechanic to fix my car, it comes out worse than when it when it
I’m not going to continue to go to you know
My dry cleaner when I get my clothes they’re still dirty. So why are you still allowing people to have have jobs and roles in your life in ways that they can no longer show up for you are no longer want to or don’t have the capacity, but they may not even have the emotional capacity their friends that I’ve had to kind of take a step back from not that I don’t love them, not that I don’t care about them. Not that I’m not that I won’t engage with them and some some other point in my life. But I’ve always left the door open that if they they come to me with an open heart ready to proceed in a relationship because they haven’t done it done anything bad to me that we can move forward when that time comes. But there are some times that people have their own emotional stuff that they’re dealing with. They everybody has their own life issues.
And I would also ask you, I don’t know I feel like I hope this doesn’t sound
compassionate because these are conversations that I’ve had to have with myself. I don’t know if that’s a real word y’all look it up.
But I don’t know if this this this sounds like I don’t have sympathy for somebody when
when they feel this way.
I’ve had to do this work. Oh, I’m getting emotional. I’ve had to do this work in my own life. I feel like I’m crying every show is other thing. I’m not crying yet, but it sounds like that touched me that touched me in my, in my private spots, said that, like I’ve had to do this work. And
but one of my clients came in and said something very profound to me.
I’m sometimes afraid to do the work because I’m some times afraid that if I do the work, I’m going to have to follow through with the consequences
I immediately knew what she what she meant, because that’s most of the reason why a lot of us don’t do ourselves work. And so a lot of us don’t, we aren’t introspective and we we won’t examine what the problems are in our life and in our relationships and how we show up for other people and how other people show up for us because we really, truly did look at what that means and how the metrics by which we judge our friendships and the standards that we have for those relationships, we would leave them
or we have to ask ourselves what is wrong with me that I stay in this relationship that doesn’t serve me.
And so I usually look at it from an openness perspective, meaning that you have to decide what you really want engage and, and if this person is somebody that hurts you deeply, you have every right to be able to voice your opinion and mature and emotionally involved person goes to the person and says, Hey, you know, I am upset with you because this happened. And keep it to the facts of the thing you caught me eight times. You told me
us on your way to my birthday party and the you never showed up and then I hear from you for days. That kind of sucks, right people doing the thing, and not your feelings. I mean, I felt like you disrespected me because that those kind of conversations really, really don’t go anywhere and they they’re not productive. But if you say, hey, you called me eight times. I’m speaking to somebody in particular. And you told me that she was on your way. So my birthday dinner I’m giving subs Okay. Now just joking. But you know if somebody was supposed to show up for you and they said that they would and you thought that they were going to and you adjusted your time schedule and your your night because of that, and then they didn’t show up for you. You have every right to go to them and say, Hey, you know what, this is what happened and allow them to say to apologize. I got shout out to Goody Garnett because good he’s like I only got five apologies a year which I was like, that’s crazy, but I get it. I’m not apologies. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. She says she doesn’t say I’m sorry, which is a good thing.
Because I don’t feel like I’m not a sorry human being. And so in words have power but you can’t apologize for bad behavior. I apologize for ragging somebody or making somebody feel some sort of way that was not your intention. But give them opportunity to apologize.
And have a real true apology is I apologize. This is how we will, you know, move going forward and keep your word.
I hate when people apologize, and there’s no resolution. Oh, that drives me crazy.
I don’t want you to apologize to me about my feelings. I apologize. You felt like that there is no real apology. I apologize for what I did. And that will never happen again. I apologize that I didn’t show up for you. This is what happened in my life at the time. I’m completely sorry. It was not my intention to make you feel that way. I truly love you and I value you and going forward if I have any
kind of issues or if I’m gonna miss anything, I will give you the courtesy of calling you that and you know, boom. That’s how you give an apology. I so
I had a question for this week our remember what it was it was it was wretchedness gah it was straight rats and so if the answer that because I be in these groups, and I’ll be seeing these questions
I’m in one now. No, Danny, I’m not gonna even that question.
the question that I have is the scenario so the the What would you do if right for this week is let’s say you have prior knowledge that your girlfriend, boyfriend or partner was in the
planning stages of committing
a meetup, a hookup cheat day, whatever it is, and you knew how would you approach that?
And I’m going to give you some some variables would you a
follow them? And then who that sounds a little crazy. I’m judging you if you say follow them, but that’s all right, because I might follow them to you a follow them to the rendezvous spot. If you have the information, be confront them beforehand, so that it would not happen and you stop it or see just allow it to happen and they confront them after like, what would you do? Okay, so that’s the scenario and a situation for this week, but we’re going to get right into this week’s episode. So there was a there was a Oh, if you want to buy one of the things
T shirts, go on the website, black therapists, podcast shop, get a T shirt, a hoodies, hoodies season. Those therapy for the coaches is my that’s my face. I can’t really say I have a favorite. It’s like saying I have a favorite child. But that’s probably the sweatshirt that up. Nope, I wear black on the healer more than anything.
But yeah, and if you want a shirt or sweatshirt or hoodie and the past posted on social media and tag me, we will repost it and tag your account and you’ll get an extra coupon code for your next purchase off the website. Okay, and then we have a sale, you $75 extra you get me you spend $75 you get a bag.
And I think it’s 10% 10% off the whole store if you are on our mailing list. Okay, now that the commercial stuff is out of the way.
So there’s a little article going around the internet that I really wanted to touch on. And I’m going to flip it so it’s the title of the article is called why having a vent buddy isn’t
into your health, boo, boo. Okay, I’m not gonna read the whole thing because I just don’t care.
Having a friend who listens, no matter how overwhelming your rants or situation in life are is undeniably good for you and your health. So keep that friend, as a woman, especially when you’re already a mom. It’s inevitable, inevitable that at some point, you go through a series of tough situations, which you try to bottle up until you can no longer handle them.
That’s first thing that’s wrong. This is when calling a friend or event buddy comes in event buddy is someone you consider a reliable friend, whom you can go to whenever you want someone to talk to home won’t judge you.
Okay? that someone is the person who will listen to your woes no matter how serious or petty they are. According to experts having a vent buddy is good for your mental health. Here are some reasons why it will help you call
you will ask someone is willing
Help, you will see a new perspective, you will be able to practice empathy. Okay, so this this this article I didn’t read all of it I just kind of read the highlights.
I think why this this article kind of touched me in a way because it’s been going around a lot of the women’s groups that I’m in, I’m in a lot of Facebook groups, etc on internet.
I don’t want to be event buddy.
And here’s why. Number one, I’m a therapist in private practice here in my hometown of Brooklyn, New York. I’m like, I’m licensed to several different states where I’m both busy and blessing God. But I listened to a lot of people vent in my work life. So when I come home, I don’t really want to
dance I don’t even like to speak on the phone. In my personal life. I really just like to
try to practice self care in other areas of my life. So there are things that people and and things
They’re going in my life that I don’t have no choice but to hold space for like my kid and my partner some days but I mean I’m real good at sending people sort of to voicemail
sorry if I sent you the voicemail but I have an excuse I’m a therapist I can’t be on my phone our that’s what I tell people.
It’s true. But you know, I’m sometimes reticent to call people back and and it takes me a while because people like to vent to me because of what I do for a living and it makes having boundaries and and practicing self care for me a challenge so I guess when I read vent, buddy it it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. The second thing is that usually event buddy is a one way relationship.
I have I have multiple friends who call me event.
Soon as I get on the phone is like rapid fire just verbal diarrhea coming at me problem problem. Pop on
problem that has like, sit and listen to them. And usually it’s the same exact problems. They don’t want solutions. They don’t want to fix it. They just want to complain, complain, complain, complain, I, in my own personal life, I don’t really have a lot of patients or tolerance for that.
And it’s not that I don’t love them. And it’s not that I don’t want to listen, it’s not that I don’t, I don’t care. But at some point, we have to be autonomous with our decisions. At some point, we have to take responsibility for our life. At some point, you can’t keep doing the same thing, year after year after year, decade after decade getting the same results and not whining about it. Like I’m gonna have to believe that you’re okay with this situation, because you’re sitting in it, you’re wallowing in it. You’re married to the narrative, you’re married to this story, and you’re not willing to do any thing to get out of it. And I understand depression and I understand anxiety and I understand how
Emotional dysregulation issues, I understand all of those things at work,
understand those things, but in my own, excuse me, in my own personal life, it becomes very difficult for me to be able to kind of navigate that.
And I’m an empath.
So a lot of times, I think I’ve said this before on the show, I know I’ve said it before on the show, any days that there have been days that I’ve seen over with my old job, I’ve seen mad clients, like
nine people in groups,
maybe seven clients a day. On top of that, like that was a lot of energy,
issues and problems and emotions to that needed to make space for on a daily basis. I don’t see that many clients now. But on any given day in my in my group practice, I mean, in my private practice, and in my consulting work, I may see a maximum of 11 clients a day.
A lot for me so to come home and listen to other people’s problems OPP, it becomes a lot
very rarely in my own personal life outside of my partner
not even my son nobody really asked me how I’m doing. How was your day?
What did you What did you have going on? Did you eat?
And I’m not a Venter. Like sometimes I like to just tell little little tales of you know, something that that’d be word on my job did or whatever like sometimes I might have just rant about certain stuff or if you riding in a car with me you can hear some f bombs and some some be words and a whole bunch of stuff because New York City traffic will take me there right? But in my own life usually I’m measured
you know, even killed emotionally like in my my regular life like there’s not a
lot that gets a rise out of me. So I don’t really vent a lot.
I don’t I, I think that that becomes a part of the problem as well. Like when somebody is venting to you and they’re dumping on you emotionally all the time, you just saw them on emotional garbage dump for all of their stuff. And they don’t want a resolution and they don’t want advice.
I’m not even talking about judgment, but they don’t even want advice. They don’t want help. They don’t want assistance. They just want to keep telling you the same stories over and over and over and over and over and over again. You start to take that on emotionally.
And like I said, the majority of the time these are people taking from you.
Or dumping on you but not not asking you anything now How are you? How was your day? How are you feeling what’s going on with you? It becomes very emotionally draining.
And what we often do sometimes is we feel like we need to dumb down our life, we need to complain about something to we need to have a narrative to tell them, we need to have a story or some drama to share with them. Because we just want to give something back to them. It’s really hard to say, Hey, I hate my job. I hate my man. I hate my hate my life. You know, I want to, you know, I’m not I’m not a good mood, I don’t have no money. And then you tell a person, okay, that’s cool, but I got a raise at work, and everything’s fine with me.
So you kind of just be like, Okay, well, here’s some bad stuff that’s going on in my life and it just becomes cyclical.
You’re feeling bad and she’s feeling bad and they’re feeling bad and to me, it’s not helpful.
Okay. And the part of the stick that stuck out the most about is having a friend who listens to you, no matter how overwhelming your rants or situation in life
Are is undeniably good for your for you and your health but it’s also undeniably selfish.
Having a friend who listens to you no matter how overwhelming your rants are, how do you know if that person had a good day? How do you know that they’re in a proper place emotionally need to listen to your rants? How do you know if they’re not going through something in their own life?
And have you made the commitment to host a safe space for them, even in the midst of your own storm?
I will tell you the majority of us do not do that.
We don’t do it. We’re not able to say you know what, I know you’re having a bad day right now but let me put my feelings and my thoughts aside, my car got towed I just got fired and I don’t have I don’t have no rent money right now. Let me put that aside to listen to your stuff.
It’s a skill.
You not a lot of us have it.
As a woman, especially when you’re a mom, it is inevitable that at some point you go through a series of tough situations which you try to bottle up until you no longer handle them. Why are you bottling up your tough situations? beloved?
Gotta put my good good Rhonda Ayana Van Zandt, we’re ready now Why? Why are you bottling up your feelings you should have an already
accessible emotional outlet to your feelings whether it be a journal, whether it be a gratitude jar, whether it be a therapist or a psychiatrist or a counselor or a minister or altar or you pray like however it is or you meditate like however it is that you are decompressing these things. It should not be dumped emotionally on somebody who may or may not be emotionally equipped to
Deal with it. That is the job of a therapist. Because your person is listening to you. You are venting. You don’t want a solution. You don’t want to be judged. You just want to vent
what skills are you attaining?
What are you learning?
How are you finding a resolution.
And the more we tell our narratives, the more we tell our stories. The more married we are to them, the more it it launches, emotional triggers our heartbeats races, our, you know,
our our, we start pacing the floor as we get into it. Like the more we tell these negative narratives,
the more it puts us in the same emotional space that that you were in when the situation happened.
It keeps us
There was a trauma that I had in my life anyway, it wasn’t that bad. It was just a betrayal that happened amongst a family member. And I have, I promise you, I spent like five years telling the same story to anybody who would listen.
And then I went to therapy one day and I swear to God, I was just like, I’m not going to tell that story again.
Not to tell the story again. People want to know about me in this person fell out. It was a real big thing I was I was completely blindsided and betrayed and hurt
flabbergasted and confluent mixed
behavior. But I’m not telling that story again, because I can’t move on from it. If I keep telling that story.
My relationship can’t move forward. I can’t move on from it. And it leaves me stuck in a place that
I no longer live in that place I no longer live in that place
and and at some point I had to say you know what that situation
was a catalyst for me being in the the better place and opportunity that I am right now.
Oprah used to have a saying that sometimes God says sometimes God will send roadblocks and if you drive over them he eventually he will send a wall.
That situation was my wall.
So I’m able to look at it from a space of gratitude now know that I would not have all that I have now like, literally it was like a situation that was like dominoes.
That thing was top of thing or top of thing on top of thing led to me being where I am right now and having having the amazing career that I have right now having the emotional clarity and capacity to do what I do for a living it led me to go into seek help from a therapist to be able to gain the necessary skills that
Had to beat depression
so wow app still looking at their personalities side of my to be honest with you, I forgiven them I’ve moved on I’ve been able to move forward I’ve been able to recall debate the relationship with them
but Fool me once
I know where the boundaries are And ain’t nobody crossing my boundaries
that nobody cuz I got a snipe on a water tower waiting for you if you do, but it is what it is
stop telling these narratives.
if you have event buddy, I really truly want you to start to think about ways that you could
be protective of what you tell that person hold safe spaces for that person to be able to
reciprocate to you what they’re going through and what their feelings are and what they’re dealing with.
Be able to hold a safe space for them, no matter what is going on in your life, no matter what challenges that you face, because that’s what a reciprocal relationship is. And if you are not being able to do those things, or if you have not mastered those things, or if you have not even tried to learn how to do those things, that you are a user, and you are a taker.
And it’s not a given take relationship.
And if you want to use somebody, and you don’t want a reciprocal relationship, get yourself a therapist because you could come to me and tell me anything you want to in the confines of my office, and
it stays between us. And I’m not judging you. And I’m not gonna bring it up later.
And I’m not gonna do it in your face. And you’re gonna hear it out on the streets or the internet web. So wherever not gonna gossip about you.
And you’ll be able to gain skills and knowledge to be able to heal from those things.
And I won’t let you wallow in it.
And I will I won’t allow a situation to your identity to be reduced to one situation or one station in life a one one mistake that you’ve made.
And I won’t keep bringing it up.
Like if you really want all event buddy, you should get yourself a therapist.
You find yourself venting all the time about what’s going on in your life. And that means that you probably need a different kind of skill set to learn how to set different goals, how to shift and pivot how to see what’s going on in your life that’s not working and to see what is going on in your life that is working and be able to do more of that could be able to build on a foundation of the things that is not working. A lot of us. Look at
failure, and a lot of us have failure to launch are afraid to even try
are scared to be better.
that comment that my client said this week, I’m it I’ve thought about it about five, six times since it happened because it’s so true. A lot of us are afraid to do the work because we do the work then we got to deal with the consequences of cleaning the mess up.
And it’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it. what’s the alternative?
Okay, so this was pretty much a short show. But I hope you’ve enjoyed this episode of The Black therapist podcast. Oh, okay. So if you are not on our mailing list, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. But over the next few weeks, I am
launching some new features on my website. I’m developing some things and I would love your input. I would love you
To be a part of it, there are some low costs and some free opportunities that are going to come up for you guys to be able to work with me. And so if you are not on the mailing list, make sure you go and sign up for the mailing list at Black therapists, podcast contacts, or if you go on at Black therapists podcast com,
you’ll be able to sign up to the mailing list so you can shoot me an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. If you are not following us on social you can go ahead and do that at Black therapists podcast
on Instagram. I have no idea what it is on Twitter to be honest with you. I think it’s black therapy pod because we can’t say therapist for whatever reason. I don’t know just check the check the inner webs girl
or guys shout out to the guys that are listening and the girls that listen to that so I always assume I’m talking to my ladies. Hello ladies. But men you are definitely welcome here in this space.
If you are a therapist and you want to be on the show, please reach out to me
Because I’m looking to do more therapy
episodes, and I want to make a platform for you, for you guys, I’ve really been trying to prioritize and get some of my friends on the show in the beginning of the season and people that I actually know, because part of what we do here is be able to clear it create a platform for the listeners to be a resource for them when they are going through mental health issues. And a lot of people hit me behind the scenes, like I’m looking for therapists here and I’m looking for therapists there and then I put it out to my network to see who I can refer you guys to but if you heard a therapist on the website, I mean, on the show, and they sound cool here, then that would give you more of a of a basis or understanding of knowing that that’s somebody that you want to work with. So, therapists if you are listening, I have a wide audience and they are going to be some other opportunities for you guys to advertise on the shows. If you are somebody you’re listening in for like your brand is in alignment with mine, just make sure that you contact me but definitely want to get more interviews.
up this season I told you in the past it has been a challenge but I’m gonna try to work out the kinks and feature more therapists psychologists, psychiatrists, social activists, social justice warriors politicians, if you are you know mentally health conscious and you are willing to you know put your put your power where your mouth is
and help support some mental health initiatives that make a difference in the communities of color then please feel free to reach out Okay, so that has been this episode of that therapist podcast be well, thank you guys for listening to another episode of The Black therapist podcast. Once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your host me Miss MS in IK I think on Instagram and Twitter.
As well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita and IKITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for guest ideas please feel free to drop us an email at Black therapist podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well