Let's be honest we all have issues when it comes to creating intentional relationships, and partly because of our attachment styles. 

You got issues, attachment issues!

We all have issues, with attachment.

Hey let’s be honest we all have issues when it comes to creating intentional relationships. The reason is in part because of issues created by our attachment styles.

Attachment theory is a psychological theory that bases the idea how we form bonds with our parents is the basis of how will will create and replicate relationships through out our adult lives.

Based on the psychological research of John Bowlby, it is based on the basic principle that who we are attracted to and how our ideas around what type of behavior we believe is normal is given to us by our caregivers and pre determines who we will be as a parent. Yikes.

Attachment is set by your primary caregiver. If you have a parent or guardian who were not very responsive to our needs if we have experienced neglect, abuse, in childhood. according to attachment it makes us more prone to be with someone who has the same treatment we become used to the treatment we accept from our families of origin. 

There are four attachment styles secure, avoidant, ambivilant and disorganized. 

Ever felt like you have a fck boy finder? Like you are a bum magnet? Does your significant other remind you or someone? Someone that knew you before you knew you? Yep your parents. Did you know how we were parented has a direct bearing on the types of parents we become and our “attraction style” let’s discuss!

Curious about your own attachment style? Take the quiz inside our free course.  Healthy Relationship Building for Boss Chicks. Relationship cheat codes…20 minutes a day to a love (life) you love.⁣⁣⁣. Take the course here and take You have two weeks to get in and get your coupon code for our new premium course Finding Happy Seven Steps To Relationships That Will Not Steal Your Joy!! Inside the course we actually give you an attachment disorder quiz! So you can find our you attachment style!

Attachment Styles

Transcript:

Nikita Banks  0:00  

I am Brooklyn based psychotherapist Nikita Banks and I am your host of The Black therapists podcast the black therapist podcast the podcast where we discuss the unique issues people of color face when dealing with mental health issues and mental health diagnosis. If you would like to reach out to us for feedback or show suggestions show topics, please feel free to contact us at blackberry podcast at gmail. com. You can listen to new or past episodes on SoundCloud, Apple podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, YouTube, I Heart Radio and Google Play. If you are having trouble listening to us on your preferred platform, or if you want us to be on a platform that we’re not currently on, make sure that you send us a private message on our Instagram page at Black therapist podcast or you can just drop us a message or send us an email at back therapists podcast com. If you want insider tips, resources and access to our free mental health course make sure that you text get happy to 66866 and my new book finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy is available right now on Amazon, go to our website or go to our Instagram pages and click the link and purchase because we want to help you get your relationships together for 2018. And beyond these Be mindful that this episode and all the information that we provide here is just a resource and a tool to help get you started on your mental health journey. If you are feeling any mental health distress or you having any significant issues, please feel free to reach out to us so that we can find you a mental health provider in your area. Okay, let’s go Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of black therapists podcast. Now. Okay, so if you have been listening to the podcast, so you know that I’ve been playing like old interviews and like I know we mixing some content from other places, my dog is here. And if you’re watching us on either a YouTube channel or in our academy that you just see my dog just come up because he wants to sit on me.

Nikita Banks  2:03  

Hi, theo. Theo says hi guys.

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Then you notice that I have on our brand new merchandise master your mind t shirts,

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right? So if you want

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our T shirts because let me tell you sorry about the T shirt. So what happened was, um, I posted a picture of one of our other t shirts, which is your mind is my business and black and gray to our social media account. And then everybody was like, I love the T shirt. I want the T shirt. So if you want the T shirt, what you have to do is send me an email to black therapists podcast at gmail. com. Or send me a DM sly right over my dm and let

Nikita Banks  2:50  

me know what sizes you want the T shirt and

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what colors we have a master your mind t shirts which is what I are now

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available in

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white writing, black writing

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gold, and like a like a like like a pink gold with that rose gold pink, right. And we have black t shirts available. Wear t shirts available, blue t shirts available. army green, a bright green, a gray and then we have a few of like the baseball style jersey, t shirts available, which is like black and gray. There’s white, and red and gray and white. I hate white t shirts because I’m a dirty girl. So I didn’t buy the white t shirts. But guess if you want them in white, we get them in white. So there is that if you want the damn t shirts, t shirts. If you want the T shirts, make sure that you hit me up. Also, someone has just did somebody MMI and asked me for my paypal. And I’ve never linked to paypal to the accounts because what am I asking for money for? Right? I don’t know. But if you want my paypal to send us some monies, you can also slide into my BM for that. Now, the black therapist podcast shop is being built as we speak. And my assistant has told me that the the site will be up and running in less than a week as long as I do what I used to do, which is take pictures of the damn t shirts. So and we’re going to be able to set it up. According to her way you could just shop from the Instagram, which will be great. So I’m at Black, that

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was podcast. That’s where all of the T shirts will be

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shown and sold and etc. But I’m really

Nikita Banks  4:47  

excited to have

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podcast merchandise. The next step is we have mugs, and I’m going to post them up as soon as they are made as well well as wine glasses. Because I just you know, I’m a therapist, I drink wine glasses and stuff like that, that we’re going to put on merchandise shop. So I cannot wait for the site to be up, it should be up in about a week. Okay. However, I haven’t really had time to invest in building that site. Because I have been building our premium course, which is finding happy seven steps to relationships that will not steal your joy, as well as our mini course that is available right now for free 99. If you want to improve your relationships, that course is a good place to start. And because of it we’re going to get right into this show right now. So we could tell you why we talk about a particular issue that we talked about in the course. And we cover that on this week’s episode. Also also also, over the next four weeks, we aren’t going to go into live from my Instagram page at on Thursdays at 3pm. Because those who voted counted, I put up a post in my stories that I was going to be going live for the next four weeks talking about all things relationships. And I had two topics that I was going to cover with you guys one on one number one was the thing that we’re going to cover today, which is attachment disorders, or attachment styles, how how your family of origin creates who you are attracted to, and who you want to be attached to. And so we’re going to talk about that today. But we’re going to talk to that more, a more in depth, but I’ll be able to take questions. If you listen to the show on live. I’ll I’ll do like a brief overview. And then we will discuss it at 3pm on my Instagram page. And yeah, I’m going to also do go live on Instagram and Facebook. So if you’re not following us on our Facebook page, you should be that’s that. If you want to join our mini course, slotted into my dm, shoot me an email at Black therapist podcaster you can get the mini course, the mini course is just a smidgen of what we cover in the main course and honestly, it’s completely different. But it’s a smidgen of why you need to start to renegotiate and make healthy relationship choices in 2019 make this the last year of struggle. We won’t make you football way proof. It’s already in it. Yeah, me. We want to make you fuck word proof in 2019. Okay. And so yeah, that that’s, I hope I covered everything. I think I’ve covered mostly what I wanted to cover. And so we’re going to get into today’s episode right now. So as I say that I’ve been away because I’ve been doing a few things. Number one, we launched our mini course healthy relationships for boss chicks learn relationship cheat codes in 20 minutes or less a day, it says 20 minutes a day, but 30 minutes or less a day. And we are launching our premium course finding happy. Finally, initially, I was going to open up the course on February 10. And it’s still it’s still open, it started opening on February 10. And close it once we had enough people in there for the one on one coaching sessions. Once they are field, I was going to close it. But I think what we’re going to do is we’re going to close it when the one on ones fill up and or offer the discount code and expires when we reach our first 100 people, whichever comes first. Now if you want the discount code, there are three ways you can get it once you be on our mailing list. To do that, you could send me an episode at Black therapist podcast.com know at what you can do it at Black therapist podcast.com. But you can also do that black therapist podcast at gmail. com. You can slide into IBM, text get happy. All one word 266866. And if you want to take our course, the link is in the BIOS that’s more than three ways. I said three ways that was literally like five ways. Lincoln bio, email us go on the website, sign up to a mailing list text us and DMS, right? Because five ways right? So if you want to get into the course, if you haven’t already get started. It’s amazing. We do the course at five Beyonce theme lessons, where we give you a theme song.

Nikita Banks  9:51  

And we talk about the five reasons that you need to make health and happiness the forefront of all of your relationships right now and that way. Okay, so yeah, this is what we’re doing in in the mini course. So inside our mini course, we cover a number of topics, we will talk about how to improve not only your relationships, or romantic relationships, but we give you strategies to help you improve them all. You can take these tips into the bedroom or into the boardroom. And it will be just as effective if you are willing to do the work and stick with it. Okay. Now in the mini course we cover a number of topics. But here the five. Number one is how isolation is stopping you from getting the life you deserve, and how the power of strong social support is the key to true wellness. Finding the right tribe is the key to being the star of your own life. That’s number two, the transformative power of relationships and the importance of who you associate with, and how that can help you find your purpose and catapult you to live a life of your true destiny. Now before the necessity and healing

Nikita Banks  11:07  

nature of platonic,

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affectionate touch, and the tricks touch psychology played on the mind when it comes to romantic love, and the healing power of relationships and how they contribute to our overall health outcomes and how some of us are literally dying of loneliness. So these are the five lessons that we cover. Oh, there’s also an intro of intro lesson. And we make the case of why you need to be financially free, and stop being with the shifts your relationship. That said one of my favorite bonuses in the course is what we will talk about on the show today. A free mini course has two bonuses. And one of my favorite bonuses in the course, is what we’ll talk about on the show today. It isn’t attachment style quiz. And it’s based on attachment theory. The attachment theory is a psychological theory that states who we are attached to, and what measurements we use for love is set in our childhood. So who you love as an adult is a replica of the relationships we experienced with our caregivers. In childhood. There are four attachment styles, secure, avoidant ambivalent and disorganized attachment is set by your

Nikita Banks  12:32  

relationship with your primary caregiver,

Nikita Banks  12:34  

if you have a parent or guardian who were not very responsive to our needs, or if we have experienced neglect, abuse or missed maltreatment in childhood, according to attachment, it makes us more prone to be with someone who gives us the same types of treatment as we become adults. And we become used to the treatment we accept from our family of origin and look to replicate that in our romantic relationships. But attachment theorists also believes that our attachment is set in stone, and it also informs who we become as parents. Okay, so yes, we have to really think about our family of origin. And you know, everybody in in psychology or in science, there’s a theory on nature versus nurture, or both. This is a psychological theory that really goes back to the family of origin. And it looks at how, who we were raised by affects who we’re attracted to. So let’s talk about the four attachment styles, what they mean, and how they translate to why we love who we love, and why we’re attracted to what we’re attracted to. secure attachment is when a mother is very responsive to her child’s needs. These parents are quick and sensitive and consistent in their caregiving. They, they demonstrate that they, the child demonstrates secure attachment by feeling safe enough to explore the world and engage in play but being able to come back to the mother, the mothers proximity creates what is called a secure base, a space of security for which the child feels free to explore the world but then come back to her.

Nikita Banks  14:26  

These children

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believe that their needs are going to be met, and they have trust in their parents, that they’re going to take care of their biological needs and be responsive to what they need as a parent. So if they cried, a parent is going to comfort them. avoidant attachment is made when a mother is distant, engaging, neglectful, and non responsive behavior. The mother may be present, but shows little or no interest in playing with the child or, you know, dealing with them emotionally prefers to play with an object. Whether then people, the child prefers to deal with the object rather than people and the child is very distant from the mother emotionally. An example of this is when a child who doesn’t care if their needs are met by the mother or not, or a child is aloof or emotionally distant, not affectionate, withdrawn, the child has a subconscious belief that their needs are more than likely not going to be met.

Nikita Banks  15:26  

So why even bother crying,

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it makes them insecure, Miss trusting and paranoid, it is very hard to be open and vulnerable and trusting of the world around you if you don’t trust that your needs are going to be met by your family of origin. So these are children that have been neglected by their parents. ambivalent or anxious attachment. This is made when the parent is inconsistent. Sometimes they do respond sometimes they don’t responses a Carl on the mother’s terms or whether she feels like in other words, when she feels like being responsive, she does her availability is also inconsistent. And the changes in in response are, are sometimes neglectful, and sometimes responsive. The child feels that he doesn’t know whether or not he can trust the parent. So he feels very anxious. Sometimes the response is very neglectful. And that creates confusion. A child often seeks to get their needs met, but isn’t always sure if they will be. And this makes the child uncomfortable and anxious and unfamiliar settings, the child is anxious as if they are anticipating separation, even before it occurs. This child does not feel secure. And even when his or her parent is present, the child desires that his or her mother give them Attention all the time, comfort and proximity but also rejected that they themselves are inconsistent, avoidant, anxious, insecure and angry. Now as I listened to this, or as I as I say this out loud, this reminds me a lot of like borderline personality disorder development.

Nikita Banks  17:19  

So I’m going to talk about the four

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personalities that you should stay away from if you are trying to create an attachment. As I stated, we’re going to do four weeks of live four weeks of live shows, and one of those shows we’re going to talk about the four personality types that you should avoid. But this attachment style, it seems to lead right into like borderline behaviors, paranoid behaviors, when it comes to relationships, that whole inconsistency can create a very disturbed emotional development where you want to be in a relationship but you don’t know you want to be close to somebody but you don’t really know. And it sounds very borderline he histrionic ki thing and I know up don’t have these terms, you don’t know what they are. But if you come to our Thursday chats, on either our Facebook page or our Instagram page, you will learn what they are. But these are personalities that either you want to avoid or look out for while you out there trying to date and connect. And these are also personalities that being present and some of the people in our family that we are trying to connect to so there’s that old narcissism, I can definitely see narcissism developing from this as well, but you stay tuned. So the next attachment is disorganized attachment is made when a parent is easily rhetoric, frightening, passive and intrusive. This creates severe confusion in children, children become pathological and disengaged. This is caused by extreme neglect. This is a defensive strategy of the mothers lack of response, why bother reaching out with nothing ever happens? frightened or frightening behavior, positivity and inclusiveness? The mothers extreme and radical behavior makes it difficult for the child to form coherent coping strategies. A mother is like a mirror to her child. And when a child looks at his mother and sees something in comprehensible, the child has no way to understand him or herself or his or her behavior. This sounds like narcissism. These events are more often maltreated and seen and what is deemed to be a high risk population, extreme poverty, drug addicted parents, alcoholic parents, neglect, etc. So what does this mean for us as adults, there is a theory that states whatever our attachment type is, and childhood also lacks in the type of person we are, and the type of parent we will become. Now, I’m not sure if I agree with this or disagree with this, I think that I am a completely different mother, from my mother. And but I also think that I’ve done a lot more, you know, no shade to my mama. I’ve done a lot more internal self work. I don’t think my mother has ever gone to therapy. I wouldn’t know but I don’t believe so. It’s never been talked about. I don’t think that I’m not sure outside of going to church what internal self exploration My mother has done. And so I have children are older, right? she’s raising my nephew. But my mother comes from those School of parenting that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, like my kids, all the all out of my house and they’re, you know, relatively function, relatively functional human beings. And you know, they did I killed them yet nobody else killed them, I think are pretty successful black Mama, right. But in terms of like, I’m being emotionally responsive to our emotional development. And so my mother has a particular personality type that I think I grew up kind of insecurely attached, thinking that sometimes she would respond, sometimes she wouldn’t, I don’t know, attachment is supposed to be set from the ages of birth to like, two years old, like that’s when the studies were measured. In those responses. How the studies were conducted was, let’s say, if you put a kid in a room with two women attached to those also only based on parenting on mother, the parenting model of the mother, which I think is

Nikita Banks  22:16  

I think this is missing half of the story, right? Because they’re in two parent households, they’re two separate caregivers, right. And multi generational multi generational households, there’s more than one caregiver, right. So the more people you introduce to the the situation, the more inconsistent the parenting styles are going to be. Right. But um, I think I think I’m a different kind of mother than my mother. So I don’t know that I completely agree that your parenting style is dictated by your your opponent writing attachment style. But I do believe that my sister is more in line with the treatment that she received. I also believe that parenting was different from my, my older sister to myself, to my younger brother. Because I was parented, mostly exclusively by my mother, my sister was parents, and mostly exclusively by my grandmother. And my mother’s gonna dispute that. But this is just kind of, you know, we all have different recollections of things. I was in there with my mother, when my sister was one to two years old, because I wasn’t born yet. But from what I understand, my grandmother was a lot more of a caregiver, my mother was a single mom, but she was also in school. And she was also a teenage mother. So my grandmother’s took up a lot of that slack. By the time that I came, my grandmother didn’t want to be bothered with each other, and I was a pain in the ass. So my mother did a lot of the reason with me, but my father was also in the household for a time do that one to two year period. And my brother’s upbringing was completely different. Because he and I are nine years apart. He and my sister are 14 or 13 years apart. And like he was raised by my mother, but he spent a lot of significant time with myself and my sister. So here’s attachment stuff was was was different. So even though the three of us are one in the same household, I think that we have the same, we have different parenting styles. And I also think that because, you know, we are two women. You know, we are The Mamas and he’s the Daddy, I think that we have completely different perspectives. So it’s hard for me to say, without giving them an attachment quiz, like a family, take this attachment quiz and see where you fall, right? Taking a damn with battery quiz, I and in diagnosing them. I don’t really know what their experiences, but I have taken the attachment quiz myself. But I also think at this point in my life, it’s easy for me to cheat the quiz in the community. Now, because of a lot of the self work that I’ve done, I believe that I’m more securely attached than insecure. But I think I wish I had the results to my test that I took when I was in college, and I was first learning about these things. So yeah, I still become an I like, I think that I’m, I don’t think that I’m perfect. I think that I’m I’m secure enough to not be pathological some respects. But I have a, I still have a lot of bad behaviors. I don’t want anybody to think that I don’t have bad behaviors in relationships. I really do. So, yeah. I also think that because my sister has a parenting style, that’s a little bit like my mother’s, but she also has more children than me, I think that certain personality types, respond to person, certain person, certain personality, with perspectives or responses. I don’t think that attachment theory takes into account our unique personal development, our intelligence, our predisposition to personality types, and our individual

Nikita Banks  26:48  

ability for resilience. The same treatment of two children in the same household may manifest two very different responses based on temperament and outcome that are different, right. So my siblings and I are completely different. Um, but we were born in different circumstances. And we have unique personality responses, and we’re just different people, period. Right. So I think that for me, it allowed me to process information differently and absorb the information into my personality differently than just what’s on this paper. Now with that said, I do believe that attachment styles are crucial to understanding where what we attract, and who we attract in our behaviors in attraction. As adults. These personality types develop in the following way. As grown ups when we are securely attached, we have a positive view of self and others securely attached, people tend to agree with the following statements, it is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others, I am comfortable depending on others, and having others depend on me. Don’t worry about being alone or others not accepting me. This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions with their parents. securely attached people tend to have a positive view of themselves and their attachments, healthy self esteem, healthy self love and healthy self investment. They also tend to have positive views of their relationships. Often they report greatest satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships their people who have other attachment styles securely attached people feel comfortable both with intimacy and independence. secure attachment and adaptive functioning are promoted by a caregiver who is emotionally available and approximately responsive to his child’s attachment needs. As well as they are capable of regulating both his or her positive negative emotions that means that there are not a lot of people emotional outbursts, they not beating you and not tearing you up. Whenever you do something wrong. They are emotionally and physically respectful, responsive to your needs. And their loving way. My family was not born loving, but I’ve never I’ve never gone hungry. I’ve never not been clean. I’ve never not like I didn’t never have to worry about a meal or where we were going to live or any of those things like I’ve always had the security security of being secure in my family and I always thought if I needed something my mother would get it for me. Well that’s my dad, he is my my grandfather or somebody it was always somebody there to give me the things that I needed. So yeah, so in securely attached people are pre occupied with negative view of self and positive view of others. People with anxious preoccupied attachment types tends to agree with the following statements. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others. But I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like, and I am uncomfortable being without close relationships. But I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I valued them. That sounds like me in the past. People with this style of attachment seeks high level of intimacy, approval and responsiveness from their attachment figure to other parents, right. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extreme that they become overly dependent on an attachment figure. Compared with securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They feel a sense of anxiousness that only exceeds when they are in contact with an attachment. They often doubt their worth as a person and blame themselves for the attachments figures. Lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may have high levels of emotional expressiveness, emotional dysregulation, worrying and impulsive dance that their relationships are going to fail.

Nikita Banks  31:27  

And put a pin in that for now, dismissive, avoidant attachment types, they have a positive view of self and a negative view of others. People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements. I am comfortable without clothes, emotional relationships, it is important to me for me to feel independent and self sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others, or have others depend on me. People with this attachment style device desire a high level of independence, but this desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment together. they view themselves as self sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others, they often deny leading close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with attachments home they often view less positively than they view themselves and investigators commonly known as the defensive character of this attachment style. People with diminished dismissive, avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings. They tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the source of the rejection. I either attachment any attachments or relationships, fearful avoidant attachment they are unstable, fluctuating, confused view of self and others, people who have losses. trauma, sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence may often develop this type of attachment. And they tend to agree with the following statement, I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotional close with relationships. But I find it difficult to completely trust others or to depend on them. And I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to other people, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. And the mixed feelings are combined with sometimes unconscious negative views about themselves and their attachments. They are commonly viewed or they commonly view themselves as unworthy of response from their love objects. They love interest, they do not trust their intentions. And they are similar to avoid attachment style people with seeking less intimacy from attachments and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Because of this, they are much less comfortable expressing affection. A few example include the role of attachment in aspect, regulation, support, intimacy and jealousy. Now these examples are briefly discussed here. But attachment also plays the roles in many other interactions not discussed in this episode. Right. So such as aspect regulation, conflict resolution and communication. Now, what does this all mean? Right? So attachment? I don’t think I don’t look at attachment as the end all be all, I think that people of color are very skeptical of sciences and these studies, right, done by white people and white people, right. But I think that attachment has a lot to say, with who we are, why we’re attracted to what we’re attracted to. So in my own family, I think I’ve mentioned before that even though now, I’m very I believe that I’m very securely attached. Because I think that attachment is immutable. I think that once you know something, you will be able to correct it right. So now I believe that I’m very securely attached. I love intimacy, I love being intimate with another person, not just sexually, but being vulnerable, telling them how I feel and expand expecting them to meet my needs. I expect that if I love someone, and if they say they love me, then they’ll expect they will meet my needs as long as they’re reasonable expressions of love, right, if they’re reasonable needs that they will meet them. But I also think that even though I had a very secure mother in that we never went hungry, we never starve. She didn’t you know, beat us to excess, sometimes I got whooped a little bit. But she didn’t, she wasn’t abusive, she wasn’t, she was very responsive to certain needs. My mother was also emotionally cold a little bit.

Nikita Banks  36:18  

And that makes sense because of her upbringing. And my dad was so in consistently all over the place his energies like this, and my mother’s energy is like this, which is weird, because they both Capricorn of the, my therapist is like astrology. To can make this face when I talk about astrology, whoever, like they, their birthdays are very similar. But their personalities are like two different extremes of the same spectrum. Whereas My dad was like narcissistic over here, and my mother’s like skis over here. And I won’t go into that because that is that’s a conversation for a whole nother day. But if you are tuned in to our Thursday, live chats, because I’m going to talk about both of those personality types on the four personality types that you need to avoid if you want to get emotional connections. But because of their personality types, I believe that I’m like, a perfect mix of the both of them. So I can be very narcissistic. And I think that all of us have narcissistic traits in us. I not pathologically narcissistic, I don’t love myself above all of her like other people, like if there’s a choice we doing what I want, or what my partner needs for me to do. As long as it’s not compromising me in any way that will make him really happy, I’ll do that. If it’s a choice between myself or my child, I always choose my kid, even though as he’s getting older, that’s that’s a hard choice for me to, for me to continue to make, you know. So I do think that

Nikita Banks  38:03  

selfishness,

Nikita Banks  38:09  

as narcissism is usually bastardized to believe that narcissism is just extreme selfishness. I do think selfishness has gotten a bad rap because self care and self love is self preservation, right? But what narcissism is, is that selfishness that that denies you the ability to get close to anyone else. That’s the extreme part that you cannot function. You’re so damn selfish, that nobody wants to be bothered, like top level, selfishness is narcissism. Like he only gives a shit about himself, and I don’t want to be political. But he’s like, the most famous Narcissus on the planet right now. Right. So having both of those extremes as my parents, I feel like I’m like, directly in the middle of the two of them, where I have a healthy level of independence, and a healthy level of interdependence, which I got from my mother, and from my father. So I, what I don’t like about attachment theory is that it doesn’t take into account both parents. Right? I believe that personality development is literally like, you know, pennies in a piggy bank, I think that our personality is like a piggy bank. And we get certain, you know, money’s right, certain investments from our family and our community, whether it’s, you know, it’s our personality types, our, you know, religious backgrounds, our cultural beliefs, our social norms, our psychological and emotional development traits, how those things are nurtured the responsiveness of our people, abuse and trauma and poverty, right. So some of that some of the things that are put in our piggy banks are pennies, some of them are nickels, some of them are dimes, some of them are quarters and dollars, right. And so that we all don’t have the same amount of experiences in our bank. And some of us are definitely have deficit, some of us are in the red, and some of us are in the black, right, and the black is a good thing in this in this case, but, you know, we have to start speaking about the things that have been deposited in us and how we did use that as investment for the rest of our lives. And a lot of us are not doing the work that we need to do to make sure that we are making those same deposits into our children. And we’re not doing the same deposits into our lives as adults. And we’re not doing the same work to understand what we inherited, how that affects us. Psychology is no different than genetics, it’s just this thing that we get, when we show up, right, and the psychological and emotional investments that our parents give us, we just bought into it. Right? Sometimes our temperament affects it. And we as as human beings and children, we just assume that if my daddy is not around, that he doesn’t love us. So that is something that I must do to make our parents you know, get a divorce. That’s that whole narcissism a challenge. But we’re supposed to grow out of that we’re supposed to get at to a level where we understand that adult relationships are complicated, they always are, there always will be. And so we have to kind of think about how we can take what we’ve been given and explore the past that we need to explore to do better, and to get better and have better. And it is our job to make sense of it so that we can have happy, healthy lives. And hopefully, I would like to help you guys do that or provide support with the things that we’re doing. Hope you guys join us on our Thursday chat on our Facebook page. And on the black therapist, podcast, Instagram at 3pm, where we’re going to talk about these things, I have already come up with two topics that I wanted to talk about, which was one, building boundaries in in toxic families. And the second was personality types to avoid. And the third one was because I had two topics, but it was really three. The third one was going more in depth with attachment disorders. So this week, we’ll talk about attachment disorders. DM me, leave me a comment. Ask me questions. Text me, will text me You can? Well yeah, you can text me to get happy all one word 266866. You can text me there. But um, you know, send me an email at Black Dr. Spock? and submit your questions. Because if you have questions about attachment disorder, or attachment styles, or attachments,

Nikita Banks  43:10  

attachments, toxic relationships with families and building boundaries, and the four personality types that you should avoid. It may be more than four by the time I really start going into it. But I have for off the top of my head that I think you need to run a run and run away from if they stay come to say, No, hey, what’s happening baby, or sup Ma. As they say, shut. Wow, you see that was shot by you like yay, go cross the street when you hit that cover. So, I mean,

Nikita Banks  43:42  

those are the topics that I have. But if

Nikita Banks  43:44  

you have a suggestion for topics, I’m going to do this for the next four weeks. But if we like it, we may roll it over. And we can do it for eight weeks. So yeah, if you are ready to join our mini course or a free mini course, healthy relationship building football chicks, learn relationship Chico’s in 20 minutes a day, then, you know text get happy 266866 or dm us on social media and ask for the link to the course and I will gladly share it with you at that time. If you want my T shirt. If you want a T shirt dfj B your size. This is I think we have like five t shirts styles. This one says master your mind. The other one says black therapist podcast. The other one says Your mind is my business. The other one says Happy is the New Black. I haven’t posted them on my page yet, like I said, because I don’t want to post my stuff up and miss my blessings. If you’re going to like my stuff, and you’re going to want you to buy it, I want to make sure that it’s ready for you to buy. So the the site, like I said according to my system is going to be up in less than a week. If I do what I have to do, but these t shirts are really really cool. I cannot wait to do the mugs.

Nikita Banks  45:04  

Because I just I designed

Nikita Banks  45:05  

everything myself working with a designer who’s an amazing designer to get these things done and I wanted

Nikita Banks  45:11  

them done a certain certain way and to

Nikita Banks  45:13  

be honest with you my mommy helped me

Nikita Banks  45:16  

my mommy helped me make the T shirts. I know that is good. Well my mother’s like oh Nikita that like that because my mother is like anything she’s like my hardest critic. Besides myself, my mother is my hardest critic because she was like,

Nikita Banks  45:30  

really nice.

Nikita Banks  45:30  

So when mommy likes it that I know that’s a good deal. So

Nikita Banks  45:33  

you want the T shirts DMB your size will let you know what i have a stock and you can maybe hit me up on PayPal and we’ll figure out a shipping way to ship it because I don’t even know what I’m doing it but we’ll figure out a way to get it to you ASAP because then the next two weeks I want to be up in operational with this thing. Because we have like a plethora of shirts and I gotta get these things out of my house ordered a lot Okay, alright, so this has been your episode of black devils podcast make sure to hit us up you are watching you on YouTube you see that my hair is straight Hello hair. I don’t know what’s going on with me in my hair but y’all keep us in your prayers that’s it thank you guys for listening to another episode of black therapist podcast once again you can follow us on all our social media sites at Black therapists podcast on Instagram and on Twitter as well as black in therapy on Facebook or you can follow your hosts me Miss MS in IK I think on Instagram and Twitter as well as you can find out any information about me at Nikita in IKITA Banks calm and on the show’s website laughs therapists podcast calm and don’t forget if you want to send us any general feedback show suggestions show topic for get ideas please

Nikita Banks  46:58  

feel free to drop with the email mail at Black therapist

Nikita Banks  47:01  

podcast at gmail. com Thank you be well

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